His Beloved

The King's Heart...

2010-10-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

For the so many men in this world who struggle to believe that they are able to fulfill their calling as fathers, husbands, providers of the family, leaders, etc. and haven't been able to believe that God sees them as "kings" in His eyes, this is for you...

The Heart Of A King

It is a matter of the heart, my brothers. There are many offices a man might fulfill as a king - father of a household, manager of a department, pastor of a church, coach of a team, prime minister of a nation - but the heart required is the same. "The king's heart is in the hand of the Lord; he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases" (Prov 21:1). The passage is often used to explain the sovereignty of God, in that he can do with a man whatever he well pleases. Certainly, God is that sovereign. But I don't think that's the spirit of this passage. God rarely forces a man to do something against his will, because he would far and above prefer that he didn't have to, that the man wills to do the will of God. "Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve" (Joshua 24:15). What God is after is a man so yielded to him, so completely surrendered, that his heart is easily moved by the Spirit of God to the purposes of God.
That kind of heart makes for a good king.
Watch how Moses leads Israel out of bondage, and guides them to the Promised Land. Notice how every chapter telling the story of the Exodus begins, from chapter six to chapter fourteen: "Then the Lord said to Moses?" and the rest of the chapter is Moses doing what God told him to do. Is this how the men you know run their corporations, their churches, their families? I'm stunned by how little daily guidance Christian men seek from God. They have a good idea, and they just go do it. Not the great kings. Look at David. "In the course of time, David inquired of the Lord. 'Shall I go up to one of the towns of Judah?' he asked. The Lord said, 'Go up.' David asked, 'Where shall I go?' 'To Hebron,' the Lord answered. So David went up there?" (2 Samuel 2:1-2). In his heart, and in his daily practice, David is a man yielded to God. He is called, may I remind you, a man after God's own heart.
This is the way Jesus lived. "For I did not speak of my own accord, but the Father who sent me commanded me what to say and how to say it. I know that his command leads to eternal life. So whatever I say is just what the Father has told me to say" (John 12:49-50). Jesus could have asserted his own will; he certainly had the power to do so, and the talent, and we might add he also could be trusted to do so. But no - he was yielded to the Father, in all things. Regardless of age, position, or natural abilities, a man is only ready to become a King when his heart is in the right place. Meaning, yielded to God in all things.

(Fathered by God )
John Eldredge

Joy in the Midst of Sorrow

2010-09-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

I've been putting off updating this because truthfully I haven't really known what I want to say. But maybe as I write, it will come together.
I'm sure many who are reading this have already heard that we did have a miscarriage after all. I opted to have a D&C on Wednesday of last week after the doctor finally came to the conclusion that what I had was a missed miscarriage. Sometime over the course of the month, the baby stopped developing even before there was a heartbeat, but my body just hadn't figured it out. So, to not prolong the already 3 weeks of agony, I wanted to move the "miscarriage" process along as quick as possible, therefore for opted the surgery.
My recovery emotionally and phyically was amazingly easy and quick. And truthfully I was just so thankful to not have the anxiety and rollercoaster of feelings anymore that I was having for 3 weeks during my pregnancy that left me sleepless, restless, and practically nonfunctional on so many levels. It was easier to know how to feel, even in sadness, than it was to not know how to feel at all. And I am experiencing a pretty big sigh of relief right now and enjoying the fact that I can actually sleep again, and think straight.
And by the Lord's hand, He also had prepared me a few days in advance for the outcome we ended up with. I knew before the doctor even said anything last week, that this pregnancy wasn't going to go on much longer. It just took me surrendering my wants and desires and accepting that God was going to do what God was going to do to find peace about it. And I truthfully didn't think I had it in me to carry on in the state that I had been in during the pregnancy much longer. Don't get me wrong, I would have done it if that was God's will. But I may have been a vegetable the whole time with the anxiety that would have come with it. But I guess we'll never know. All I know is that the 3 weeks I just endured was probably some of the hardest 3 weeks of my life! And at this point, the aftermath feels like a piece of cake comparitively.

And today, by God's grace, I am feeling thankful and at peace to know that the Lord knew exactly what I would need to endure everything during and after. And He has shown up mightily over the past month in so many ways. I can't deny that I have experienced Him probably the most through my friends, my parents, my husband, and even through people I hadn't met that were praying for me this whole time. He is so good that way.
He's also been evident through the fruit of what has come out of me despite my circumstance. I was still able to attend a party and dance with joy on Saturday night with my whole heart in the midst of what should be a time of sorrow. I was able to celebrate life and love with my prayer warrior friends on Friday night over dinner and fellowship. I even cleaned and organized my garage on Saturday for goodness sakes! Who does that after a miscarriage?
I was able to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday yesterday by making her favorite dessert and blessing her with our love and hospitality.
And last but not least, God answered a very specific prayer I prayed on Friday. I prayed that He would give me the opportunity to pay forward what many had done for me over the past month by showing sacrificial love to someone else in some way. And He answered greatly! I ended up babysitting a friends' two sweet boys all day Saturday so she could go to work when her sitter bailed at the last minute Friday night. She prayed for God to answer her prayers for a sitter Friday night and she said about 5 minutes before she was going to call into work and risk losing her job, I returned her phone call (not even knowing what she called for). Wow! Is that God or what? So I want to give an extra shout out to God for answering both our prayers so faithfully!

I do not give myself any credit for what I just shared in regards to how I am handling the miscarriage. It's kind of flooring me that I am not in a puddle of tears every day. In fact, I really haven't shed a tear since Sunday of last week before I even saw the doctor to get the final bad news. Not to say I have this great strength because of it. I think God is just giving me a break from the emotional trauma that I had faced for 3 weeks. And I'm gladly taking the break. It is all God and His faithfulness that weaves together these things within what should be a devastating and sorrowful time. He is using this circumstance to build my character, my ability to love, and mostly my ability to know Him more intimately. And I hope that time will not let this part of my life fade out as a distant memory, but that this will all become another tool that God can use for His glory for the rest of my days.

I know sorrowful days will come, as I'm sure the emotions will go up and down as I heal from all of this, but God is my constant and I trust that He will be faithful through it all as He as already been thus far.

New Life

2010-09-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

Well, after a grueling week of being tossed around emotionally by some really incompetant nurses at my OBGYN office, having tears of sorrow and loss after being told we lost the baby, then having hopes risen up again for 4 days in fear of them being squashed again while the nurses tried to figure out what the heck was going on with me, it turns out that we indeed are still having a baby..phew...and I'm still exhausted!

This has been a huge test for me of whether or not I can really still stand on what God was putting in mine and my plethera of friends' hearts about the outcome of this despite what the nurses were telling me. There was something deep inside that still wanted to believe that there was a baby still there and I held out until I got the right answer. It all came to head when I prayed desperately for God to grant wisdom to these nurses who were perplexed by some inconsistencies of the medical side of it. On big factor in this fiasco is that my doctor has been out of town this whole time so there hadn't been an actual physician overseeing my case this whole time, just a nurse practitioner...red flag! But after I had prayed for wisdom, the NP finally consulted another OBGYN in the practice on Thursday about the situation and that's when things started finally coming together and we learned that the inconsistencies were only due to lack of judgement on the NP's part in this.

We should NOT have had any ultrasounds until my hormone levels had reached 2000, but they had given me 4 prior to that which was completely unnecessary. And the NP made the wrong diagnosis Monday based on the ultrasound. So when the doctor got wind of my levels going over 2000 on Friday, lo and behold, we went in for an ultrasound again and WALA!! A BABY! They also confirmed that I am not as far along as my dates say I am, which was throwing the NP off as well. She for some reason wouldn't take that into consideration, but the doctor confirmed that I am only 5 weeks instead of 7 and everything is right where it needs to be for 5 weeks...so HALLELUJAH!! We're having a baby!!

But to be truthful, my heart is still working up to the rejoicing part. I am having shake off the emotional roller coaster that I have been through the past week. Everyone around me is rejoicing with us, but I have some things to wrestle with still for sure. I am thankful, I am. But I am actually having to ask the Lord to put my heart at ease and bring out the rejoicing that He wants me to have. Because my flesh is still fighting some fears of what is still to come.
But He is so faithful because He has confirmed to me today through a Bible Study that I am doing currently, that it in obedience and trust that my rejoicing will come! And that He delights in our glad hearts. He has given the wisdom and discernment to the doctors that I totally asked for...and has brought new life back into my heart and has sustained a little life in my womb that I could not have made happen on my own!!

I also don't want to forget to mention that this baby has been bathed in prayer by countless prayer warriors over the past 2 weeks and I have no reason but to walk in thankfulness and a glad heart for what God has done thru this. The amount of love and support that has swelled up around us by our dearest friends and family and from people that we don't know as well but are friends with through facebook...it's just a humbling thing and something we hope to never forget or take for granted. I only hope that we have the opportunity to pay forward to others the unconditional love and grace that was poured into us by our loving Father and by our amazing friends and family, because we could not have gotten through this week without it.

We serve an awesome, living, breathing God who wants to live and breathe into our lives at our deepest time of need...and that is when the "new life" He promises really takes root!

Today is the first day of a new chapter in our lives...let the rejoicing begin!

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" Isaiah 43:18

Wholehearted Trust

2010-08-28T16:01:00.000-07:00

Some who read this may already know, but a week ago today, I found out that I was pregnant. It was a big surprise to us. Then, within 24 hours, I began to have complications. I went to the docs last Monday to do the usual tests and ultrasound. Though things still seem to be in tact, there has been some fear that things may not be progressing like they should from one of the tests they ran. Now we go back Tuesday to do more of the same to get a better idea about what is going on. It has been a roller coaster for me over the past 6 days. I've had every thought, fear, doubt, faith, hope, more fear, you name it going through my mind and heart all week. But as I have been praying and and have had many many others praying for us, the peace that surpasses all understanding has fallen on me the past 36 hours. It's been amazing. I feel good about the outcome and am just having to wait til Tuesday to find out what is going on for sure at this point.
All that to say, I want to share this prayer that the Lord gave me yesterday that I am praying daily, even sometimes multiple times daily, and I'd love to have others join me in prayer if you would like. I am standing on His promises and trusting Him in this, even though I may not feel it all the time.
So here it goes:

Dear Lord Jesus,

I am asking for your manifest power and love to be evident during this time. Thank you that you have set the path before me and that my eternal pleasures are in your right hand. Thank you that you go before and behind me as a shield of protection and as my Shepherd when I am lost and confused. Especially now. I proclaim right now that You are my rock that I can set my feet firmly on no matter what happens or how I feel. Thank you that this life inside of me is in Your arms no matter what.

Father God, I thank you that you love your children and that you love giving good gifts to your children. I will say with an honest heart that I want this baby to survive in my womb and that I want to meet this child face to face while we are still here on earth. But if it is your will to take this child into your arms in heaven, then I will choose to trust that your plan is better than mine, even if my heart breaks, even if I get angry, even if I feel despair, and even if I lose my grip on You or lose faith. Thank you that you never lose your grip on me and that you will ultimately use this experience to reveal yourself to Tim and I in a mighty way. We want your will and your plan over ours, even if we don’t feel it. That is the heart you gave us…to ultimately fulfill your plan and your will.

Lord, I need you now more than I can express and you know that. Help my eyes to be fixed on You and that any other things that want to get me distracted or discouraged, that you will put your hands square on my shoulders, look at my face and give me the strength, courage, and faith to walk forward and seek you no matter what happens. Bless this life in me, bless my friends who have been praying for me. And as a little extra prayer, if it’s your will, make my hormone levels skyrocket to where they should be to sustain this life. And give the doctors and nurses wisdom and a more compassionate and sensitive heart toward me to give me a peace that I am in the right hands with them.
I ask all these things in the name of Jesus,

Amen

Psalm 16:8

"I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."

The Divine Conspiracy

2010-08-09T20:46:00.000-07:00

My husband and I are probably quite comical to God a lot of the time. Sometimes I wonder if our little life here just entertains Him. We are a piece of work sometimes and yet God knew exactly what He was doing when He put us together, even if sometimes I wonder what in the world He was thinking on those rougher days that couples go through. I am just going to list the differences in Tim and I individually and see if you can relate at all:

I am an extrovert to the inth degree.
He is an introvert to the inth degree.

In my perfect world, I would sit and have a two hour conversation with him every day.
He can go a few days without any communication and not skip a beat.

He is a physical touch guy.
I am not a touchy-feely person at all.

He loves words of affirmation.
I never have been good at giving them or receiving them.

I love quality time with him.
Must I remind you again, he is an introvert.

I love to do things outside the house and be adventurous on my free time.
In his free time, he just assumes read a good book for hours on end at home or sleep.

I am the people-pleaser.
He says what he says and well, to Tim, if it ruffles feathers, it's not his problem.

I am impatient about getting things done.
He's the procrastinator.

I want to be pursued and desired.
He many times just wants to be left alone (not meaning this negatively).

I am a woman.
He is a man.

And God knew all of these things when He put us together before we did...well, except that we knew the woman and man part. I had to clarify :). I heard recently from John and Staci Eldredge that marriage is a "divine conspiracy" designed my God to make us not only become more like Him but also to make us need Him more than we would ever otherwise. It's also defined as something that joins two broken people who love each other but also desperately need Him to keep them together and to create one-ness that can only come thru and remain in our Savior. Because if we do things our way, we are sure to keep ourselves in a pile of broken pieces.

Some days, I think I can't go another day with the differences we have individually. Some days, I feel lonely. And some days, he feels like I am too needy. Some days, I nag too much. And some days he probably wonders where the woman he first married went. But the fact is, we are both changing through our journey together and I've noticed that in some ways we are slowly taking on the others' traits sometimes... God is funny that way. Yet one thing we are both becoming more and more aware of is that because of our stark differences, our pursuit of Christ and His pursuit of us are the only thing that are going to keep us glued together.
I still question how to not depend on my husband for things only God can provide me with. I still struggle with waiting for God to bring revelation to both of us at the same time about certain circumstances. But one thing I don't think often enough about is that our relationship is for eternity, and that God is creating a love story between us within a larger Love Story. It may not always look like that romantic movie on the screen, but it is perfect in God's eyes because He sees the outcome. And for that I am truly thankful for the man that He has blessed me with to share that with here and for eternity.

Just Rest

2010-07-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

God is stirring some things up in me lately and it's been very hard to put my finger on what it is completely and why He is stirring it up. But I can say that it seems the outflow of what is going on within me is just merely the feeling of discontentment, but not necessarily the bad kind of discontentment. The Lord told me yesterday that is actually what some call "Holy discontentment". It's the kind that has made me completely unsatisfied with the status quo. The day-to-day mundane side of life is just not cutting it for me anymore. Though I enjoy some areas of my life for mere enjoyment, and am looking for the silver lining in those areas that just seem cloudy right now, it still is leaving me feeling a bit empty, realizing that there is more to this than finding things to fill my time up just for the sake of getting through the day. For those things that maybe in that moment make me feel happy but leave me empty still later. You probably see where I'm going with this and honestly it has become almost too cliche when you hear that only the Lord can fill these longings, but it is becoming more and more evident and true in my life and He is obviously doing a lot to make this a total reality in my life rather than just head knowledge. I still am working it out and can't say that I feel completely content just in Him yet. But He knows what it takes to get me there.

For example, this whole issue of our finances and not hardly being able to pay our bills month to month. Yet still thinking that if I just had this or that extra thing, it would bring satisfaction. If we could just get our debt paid off, or if we could just go on a nice dream vacation debt-free and with not a worry in the world. Though I believe God is capable of fulfilling this desires, He is obviously trying to accomplish something else beyond my grasp or understanding because those desires just aren't being met at the moment and all I can come up with is that He has to be enough for me. And He is whether I feel it or not.

So the only thing left to do is rest in Him. Rest in His perfect plan that is currently in process, even if it doesn't feel perfect. So much easier said than done. I am to rest when I feel stuck when all I want to do is just get out there and do something that feels useful or productive, or that I have some worth to give to someone (disclaimer: not my own worth but Christ's worth in me) and also move me out of the rut I feel myself in a lot of the time lately. The more of a rut I feel in now, the more I want to get myself out of it. But then I usually find myself back in it. And God just simply says, "Rest"?? How, Lord, how?

In January, the Lord made my heart come alive again thru Discovery. I was able to receive and give love like never before after that weekend and God's love was more real to me than ever. My receiver had been broken for a long time and the Lord repaired it. And by March, I was able to find some direction and purpose out of all of my life experiences that had left me broken for so long. My heart felt free and I was given this driving force from that to love without limits, help others' lives be changed through what God had shown me and love the way Lord has so freely loved me.

But I'm learning more and more that to find a place where people can receive that is few and far between. So many people are still walking around with their "receiver" broken. And I am lately finding myself trying not to let mine break again. Because I am letting words and actions of man leave me disoriented and confused when their responses don't come out like I'd hoped...and at times I just want to shut my heart down because it hurts too much to keep it open. I'm also finding that receiving from others in my time of need can be just as difficult. Lately I've been tested with that greatly and it was tougher than I thought it would be. But I really can imagine now how Jesus felt when it came to giving to others who wouldn't receive it. What a humbling place to be to experience what He did. So here I am still left with this discontentment. Though the Word says that we are to be content in all circumstances, I don't believe we are to be content with the status quo if it is leaving us lifeless, heartless, and loveless. Jesus taught outside the box and I want to live outside that box. But I also have to accept that just resting in Him is as outside the box as you get in this world. Because the world tells us to do the opposite and keep trying until we succeed. But if resting in Him makes our heart open, loving, and full of Him, when the Lord says, "Go be my disciples", we will be ready and willing to go wherever He leads without abandon...and with His love and power...and that is when we will have all we need. So now I must rest...sigh. Again, so much easier said than done.

This verse really spoke to me last week. I believe it applies to my post because we are nothing and useless without His love flowing through us. And learning to rest in that love is vital.

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. 1 Corinthians 13:1-7 (The Message)

It is Done!

2010-06-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

God is clearly working overtime to purge this spirit of guilt that I have allowed to consume my life for too long. I think our finances has been the main thing to expose this false belief in me even though I've claimed over and over that I don't live by this lie. But I am here to attest that today that victory is mine! Yesterday, the enemy came in roaring at me through some very unwelcome sources in regards to this whole issue of our finances. The enemy tried to steal what God was doing in me, but it didn't work. In fact, God turned it around on him and used it as an opportunity to help me personally to rid of this false sense of guilt once and for all!! And today, I am claiming victory. After the lies hit me hard yesterday, it was revealed that there was still a part of me that couldn't find the freedom that God has so graciouslly given me in all my areas of sin. And today, God is drawing me to Him closer and closer as to find that freedom I so desperately have needed and didn't even know it.
So I want to share this in hopes that someone out there needs to know that God is a God of love, forgiveness, peace, salvation, and hope. He does not use punishment to bring his children to repentance. He uses love...and Truth!....NOT FEAR. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18.

God is out to make us perfected in love...not fear! So if there is anything in your mind that is making you feel fear, guilt, condemned, or like you can't come to God boldly with who you are or what you've done, rebuke it! It is the enemy. God wants relationship with us. Jesus came so that we can have that and come to Him boldly despite our sin. Christ died so sin can't separate us from Him anymore. He knows we will sin before we do it, but He also knows that He has already paid for it...and He wants us to live free lives!! I know it grieves His heart when we think we have to still pay for our sins. Because many of us still live as if we are! But today, I'm done with that!

So, how do we live by that Truth? This is what His Word has spoken to me. If we come before Him daily, know Him, seek Him first and His kingdom, I think we will be astounded at how our sinful nature will literally melt away. The truth is, we can't make ourselves not sin or bear our own good fruit, but HE CAN...and He has!! He will change us from the inside out in order that the Spirit-man will become strong so that the flesh becomes weak. We just have a choice to feed the Spirit, not the flesh with our daily choices. What we feed ourselves with will be revealed by our fruit. What goes in, must come out. So which is it?
"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4.

The lie that enemy wants to tell us is that we are still attaining or earning something from God that is actually already ours...only to leave us chasing the wind. And the scariest part is that many don't even realize they are still living this way. If we are living the Christ-centered life, we will reflect the finished work that brings Power and Love to and from our lives...not the continual cycle of guilt and condemnation.

It was done on the cross, now will we believe it and live like it?

Oh the Pitfalls

2010-06-21T14:41:00.000-07:00

Today I fell into a trap. I went shopping. I talked myself into taking Hannah to get a few new pairs of clothes know we had less the $200 to our name for the rest of the week. Not to mention I had my other two children in tow…who I’m sure would lure me into buying them a few things too. I justified it by seeing it still as a need and not a want. After all, my husband even said I need to get some new clothes for Hannah. All 3 of my kids’ clothes are getting shabby too and I figure a few cheap new outfits won’t hurt especially cheap ones. And my friend tells me last night that this particular store is having a huge sale and she got all kinds of things for $2-$3 apiece for her daughters. So I thought, “wow!” I need to go check that out.

So this morning it was on my mind and figured it would be something to do….even though I just told my husband this morning we have very little money in the bank and I watched him come home for lunch in order to avoid spending money. Nonetheless, I still move forward with my plan of shopping. What kind of idiot am I to not use such common sense? Ok, I know. Enough beating myself us. I’m good at that as you can tell.

I’m on my way to the store, and I keep thinking, “What are you doing?”. But yet I still tell myself that it’s just to check things out and if nothing is within my price range, I won’t buy anything. Whatever!! I get there and of course there’s a plethora of options, clothes all over the place to sort through, sift through, check prices for. Then the kids of course don’t help with their distracting behavior and also Hannah looking so happy shopping with me and looking for clothes. So I just kept looking, and looking, and looking….

…and an hour and a half later, I walked out spending $40 on 12 things. Not too shabby by most standards. Good sales! But that $40 feels like $400 now. I don’t even know how we’ll get groceries for the week and I went and did this? I feel like the scum on the bottom of someone’s shoe. I’m asking God for forgiveness but am feeling so sorry for myself I can’t even fathom receiving forgiveness. So I’m waiting for the shoe to drop, for my due punishment…for my husband to completely light into me when he finds out. Do I go ahead and tell him? Do I wait for my kids to talk about their new clothes only to get caught? I want to run right now…but the thing is, I don’t really want to run from God. I want to run from my husband. I want to crawl in God’s lap though, and I want Him to tell me it’s ok and that my mistakes are not gonna change how much He loves me nor will they change His provisions for us. But the hard part is, accepting and believing that will happen. Will He punish me? Will I get yelled at for this from Tim? Will I never be trusted again? I don’t trust myself, how can anyone else trust me?

Well, as I’ve been typing, God has been speaking to me about this. But before I go on, it's amazing to me how one little slip-up can take the rest of your day on a downward spiral and have you grasping to get back on your step. I wish I could just rewind the tape and have a do-over but here's what I'm learning from this already. I guess nothing goes wasted, huh?

So how would God want me to address this if it were my children? And how does God see me as His child in this? Was He surprised I did this? No. And He will probably see me do it again. This is stirring up a lot of things that I don’t really know how to sort through. When you do something wrong deliberately, but are so scared of your punishment that you can’t face the one who might be punishing you, what lie are you believing about them or you? And what has God done that would make me think he would bring unjust punishment that would affect our relationship? I guess I still don’t know God enough. Does God want to do something that will ultimately cause our relationship to suffer? No. So what is the right response here? God knows I’m beating myself up over this. That’s no secret. What if he doesn’t want to hear me say another word about it because it is already forgiven and forgotten? Because it sounds a whole lot like I’m making this more about me than Him. What if this is so minute in his mind already that He can’t even figure out why I’m still mulling it over and over? But if I accept his forgiveness so easily, doesn’t that just make me feel like I just got away scot free and that I’m accepting cheap grace? Do I deserve punishment? Yes. But God doesn’t use harsh punishment to bring His children to repentance anymore. The word says that He uses the careful instruction and guided discipline of the Holy Spirit. He knows we don’t want to do it again. And He knows we probably will make more mistakes. So it comes down to this. I guess I just need to be willing to accept what it takes to not let this not happen again. And trust that whatever that is, is good…even if it’s hard.

So my response is this:

“God, we have hashed this out enough. I want this offense to be wiped clean and in your Word you say ‘that we can come boldly before you and are washed clean by your blood because our sins are forgiven. They have been cast as far as the east is from the west.’ I just don’t want to accept cheap grace though. I want to accept the grace that is necessary for pure repentance and change in the area of spending habits. So today, I will give over my rights over the finances to You. You are in charge. I simply want to be obedient. So guide me through each day as if this money is not mine to manage…but Yours. Help me change my mind daily to realize that everything comes from You, through You and to You. And please protect Tim and me when this comes up. Prepare us somehow with the grace needed to prevent the enemy from getting between us with our finances. All that we are and all that we have is Yours. I want us to live our lives in that way in all that we say and do. May we give over whatever rights we think are ours that you never gave us. This is gonna take a lot of major discipline probably but I don’t want to be subject of financial traps and attacks anymore. May we pass over the pitfalls that the enemy tries to throw in our path so that we will remain steadfast in Your will and plan. And keep us alert, and pursuing You daily so our lives my reflect You in every area."

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Real Relationships

2010-06-14T14:48:00.000-07:00

You'll have to bear with me with this one. The truth is, I just have so many thoughts and questions flowing through my mind day after day, sometimes minute by minute, I don't even know where to begin most of the time. I've been on a standstill with this blog 'cause I don't know how to get out what I want to say nor even have known really what I want to say. But maybe as I type, the clouds will clear a bit and I'll finally be able to come to some sort of direction.

I know I have felt very discontent with so many things lately and really, truthfully, I don't think it's all bad. But like many, I do struggle with the balance between discontentment from the status quo and just being still and enjoying where God has me, even if I feel he has me on a path where each step feels like more of a mountain most of the time.
Probably the number one question that comes back more than any is, "What is real anymore?" We have the obvious answer that Christ is real. And I'll get back to that. But really when it comes to my relationships with people and how people relate to me, how in the world do I be real without being too real with those that don't want to hear the good, bad, and ugly of Bethany's life? And how do I lay myself aside for the sake of others so that they know they can be real with me and find me to be a safe place to come for comfort, truth, and unconditional love when they need it most. I know I fail at this too often. And it frustrates the crud out of me. Sometimes it's just easier to be away from people altogether. Yet I know that is NOT the answer. I love people too much. Probably way too much. Which is why this is so hard for me.

But seriously, I have been thrust into this realization over the past few years...that just being superficial and sweet with everyone is just not bringing out what my heart's desire nor will it bear that fruit of what Christ's life was about. Keeping things at surface level will not get anyone anywhere. It may have to start that way to build trust or whatever, but it can't stay that way to actually have true, authentic relationships. And it has to go both ways. Both parties have to be willing to go thru some uncomforable things and sometimes the fire to find true authenticity in their friendships. It hurts but has to happen. I've experienced it thru my marriage and one other friendship and am now on the other side where the beauty is shining from it all...all because of what we went through.
Christ is all about this stuff...to go thru the fire with you, to let you stumble and fall but will be right there to pick you back up when you're ready to trust again...and ultimately He is about transforming lives and having an eternal relationship with them now matter how hard it gets for Him or for us.

So my question is...how in the world do we follow that example that He did? Well, unfortunately we WILL have our heart stepped on. Recent happenings have had me facing that to a degree and it hurt bad! But look at Jesus' life. Talk about facing the ultimate rejection. And to become more like him, we must face that too. It's just reality.
(wow, I think I just answered a question of my own? :) )

To add to that here's some specific things that I've run into as I've been pursuing more of authentic approach with people:

Not everyone is gonna be honest with you.
Not everyone wants what you have to give.
Not everyone is yet capable of receiving Christ's unconditional love.
Not everyone wants to know every last detail of your life or even to get to know you better even if you want to with them.
Not everyone is willing to take risks and step away from status quo to be transformed into something better that God has for them.
And last but not least (this one has been the hardest for me personally), not many trust your heart toward them.

This is called living in a fallen world with broken people. Hurt people hurt people. That's just all there is to it. And I know I've hurt people as much as anyone else over the years and probably sometimes I didn't even know it. But God made us for relationships. Many of just don't know how to do it right because we lost our truster along the way. And that can wreak havoc on any relationship, especially with God. Jesus was in contact daily with these people that I described. He knew what to expect of them because they were human, yet also loved them all the way to the Cross...and still does for eternity.

So as I look back and reflect on Christ's example, all I know to do is keep my eyes on Him, the One who wants the ultimate real relationship with all of us...and knows how to make that happen. He wants our whole heart. And that's a huge and hard thing for us to give away to him or others that we cross paths with. But that's when relationship really gets REAL! It can get ugly at times but I have to believe it's worth it. We see through the masks, the walls of our hearts and others' hearts, and can become authentic in our relationships...and experience something you can't put a price on. That's what my heart desires...and that's what God's heart desires with us. So if you haven't already, are you willing to get REAL?

Rescue

2010-05-23T13:10:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite songs ever! God gave this to me today as I was praying through some struggles...so I'm passing it on to anyone who needs to here this.

Stretching and Making Strides

2010-05-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of amazed right now. I've been thinking about the fact that it's been almost a year since I have started doing something that I never dreamed I'd make a regular part of my life...exercise! Anyone and everyone who has never made that a part of their life can say without a doubt that they will never enjoy it nor do they even desire to even start to do it. Well, I remember over a year ago desiring to just simply desire it and I remember praying for God to somehow miraculously help me become a regular worker-outer (how's that for a word?) After dealing with depression and anxiety after my 3rd daughter was born and going through marital struggles, not to mention carrying and birthing 3 kids, and just forming poor eating habits out of survival over the past 15 years or so, I figured working out may be something that could spring me back into a somewhat active lifestyle and help pull me out of the rut I had been in for too long. I mean, who says exercise is bad for you, but how many people say they love it?

Well, lo and behold, here I am a year out from that little desire that came in and though I've had my share of lulls out of the gym for weeks at a time, I am still a member of a gym and still am getting up there a few times a week at least, if not 3 or 4 times at best...and I ran/walked 3 miles on a trail on Sunday out of my own will!! Who am I and where is Bethany? But I really can't say that any of this has come about out of my own strength OR my will truthfully! I believe it's just an answer to a prayer that I prayed fairly regularly for about a year after I saw this one naturopath doctor 2 years ago for depression and anxiety. She said that exercise needed to be almost a daily thing for me and at the time I just laughed inside as I knew that would be an impossible feat. Me? Exercise almost every day? Well, I am now 2 years out from that time and have actually gotten to the point where not only do I exercise, but I actually somewhat enjoy it. and I've learned how much I love to dance again in the process by taking Zumba and other dance classes!

Many people actually roll their eyes when I talk of my exercising because really I've never been one to struggle with my weight. I've never been obese so why in the world would someone feel such a strong need to exercise if they aren't overweight or obese? But I notice that there are people of all shapes and sizes at the gym, and they are all going toward the same goal...to be in shape, or for some, to stay in shape. So let me just tell you, just like our spiritual lives and exercising our faith, exercising our bodies is always a good thing, even if on the outside it appears one doesn't need it. Sure there are those we can point fingers at and say they need to get in shape physically and even those who are downtrodden spiritually. But when it appears that someone has it all together spiritually, does that mean they just need to put their faith on the shelf and hope they still keep up with the race that God has them on? It just doesn't work that way, does it? In order to build our faith, or to some, keep our faith strong, we must stretch it constantly. So to add to that here are a few other things that God has had me do over the past year that seemed impossible other than exercise and it has definitely kept me stretched and challenged in my faith and kept me in the race so to speak:

He had me start a prayer group for the first time in my life in which I've had to depend solely on Him for as I have felt so inadequate and ill-equipped to lead out most of the time.

In September of last year my husband and I began to co-lead a class at church, another challenge for sure.
Tim and I attended Discovery in Jan, Feb, and March, (see post "Hearts Alive" from January) which was a huge leap of faith and going thru it stretched my heart in ways I didn't even know it needed...and from that experience, I have been challenged to stretch myself more and more by pouring my heart out to people like never before. I could add a whole other post about that. Learning how to give my heart out to others freely has been quite a new road for me, but has been very vital to my growth.
And then there's our finances in which we are literally living by daily right now...trusting God to provide all our needs as they come, not knowing what will be next. Stretching out the bank account and my will power to not spend money is quite challenging at times for sure.
I've just started challenging myself with my diet. Cutting back on a lot of stuff starting this week. On day 3 right now. We'll see how it goes....

So all that to say, this past year has been a year of stretching, exercising, building and challenging me to do things that I never thought possible or that I thought I could ever talk myself into. And I can say that I am forever grateful for this leg of my journey because it has thrust me out of the status quo and put me into the game of life more than ever...and allowed me to see the true heart that God gave me. And that takes a heart of pure trust in Him and perseverence that I also didn't know I had before.

^"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phil. 13:14

Taming the Imagination

2010-05-10T09:07:00.000-07:00

So I don't do well when I don't get responses from people when I'm talking to them or sharing something important with them. Uncomfortable pauses or silence makes my skin crawl really. I know I have been accused more of being the master interrupter, guilty as charged...sigh! And I know it's for two reasons. One, I don't like to forget a thought I'm having when I want to speak it. And in past experiences, if I try to wait for the opportunity to speak, many times, by the time I get the opportunity, the conversation has gone in such a different direction that what I wanted to say wouldn't make sense and therefore I don't usually get the chance to speak. And if I do it anyways, I get wierd stares, like "what does that have to do with our conversation"? It's all a matter of insecurity really. And not wanting to be overlooked. So I've coped with that by getting my 2 cents at the expense of others trying to speak and finish a sentence. I do it with God too.
Do you see where my brain goes too often? It's more about when I'm gonna get my little shining opportunity to be noticed and not about being a good listener at the expense of never getting a word in edge-wise...and being ok with not being able to speak. I really hate my brain sometimes....well more than sometimes. How selfish I can be if I let my mind take over where it doesn't need to go...without taking my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. And of course those around me suffer for it. Am I really ever gonna want listen to others as much as I want others to listen to me? I'm working on it, really I am.
So moving on, I've been reading through one of my favorite books again this week,"Walking with God" by John Eldredge. Eldredge is probably my favorite authors of all time. I totally get him, the things he wrestles with, His view of the reality of the spiritual realm, (his love for nature is one thing I haven't grasped to his extent, though I'm growing into a much bigger appreciation for that even) and I love the kinds of communication that He has with God. And "Walking with God" is all about our communication with God, and how little we let Him in on the details of our lives. But it gives a very practical and powerful approach to how we can let Him in on every detail and see the fruit of this life of simply walking with God constantly...and communicating with Him about everything...down to whether I should speak when I want to. Many times the answer is probably "No" but I fail to ask Him first.

This also deals simply about our imagination which is all about the mind. Eldredge talks about how we people don't realize how quick our imagination can take us into a place that is completely and utterly in the hands of the enemy. Imagination is a gift, but can also be a tool for the enemy to get a foothold in if we let him. I'd never put much thought to that til this week. And God has been revealing to me how much that has been something the enemy has been really dwelling in too much lately for me. I'v probably put my heart out on the line more in the last 5 months than I have in a long time in order to hopefully reach out others and also be real with them about where I'm at in my life, and ultimately I have not received the responses I've been hoping for. So when I pour my heart out to God or someone else, and don't get a response, or maybe not the response I wanted, my imagination goes wild...to my own detriment. Really, I'm just trying to fill in the empty spaces but somehow it always ends up being on a more negative bent.

For example, I start doubting the heart behind that response or lack thereof. Then the enemy goes to town on me really. Why don't these people trust my heart? What part of me makes what I have to give so hard for others to receive? And before I know it, I'm on a tailspin of feeling hurt, rejected, abondoned, overlooked, and ultimately just all around unimportant and unfruitful, and the worst is feeling the inability to hear from God correctly. Oh that I may know His voice with confidence! When I do something that I feel God has told me to do, or say something that's on my heart that God has poured on my heart to give out, and it goes all wrong, there comes the doubt that I can't even hear from the One who is my ultimate teacher and guide. Did God really tell me to do that? Did I misunderstand? Talk about a path that leads to destruction. If we can't trust that we can hear from the One who we depend on, then what?
So what about when God is completely silent. What do we as control freaks tend to do when we don't feel we are getting a clear answer? Either we worry and fret about it until we get an answer, or doubting Thomas come in and things God just doesn't care, or we start taking action in places we have no business taking action in before God has even given us an answer. But sometimes God will say, "Go for it!", and then we start doubting our ability to even do what He has given us the go ahead to do, and the very thing we asked Him to give us an answer in. Poor God! I'm so glad I'm not Him because He deals with a lot of crap from us, doesn't He?

Well, Eldredge says it well when says what we are to do with this wild imagination in trying to fill in the blanks that leave us unsettled and that is:
To bring it under the rule of God, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Because if not, it will be unfettered, reckless, and therefore unsanctified.
"We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ". 2 Cor. 10:5

So to finish this off, here is an exerpt of a prayer that Eldredge has in this book that I am praying a lot these days and over time, I hope that this crazy imagination of mine will ultimately be used for His glory and not for my destruction:
"Lord Jesus, I come to you to be restored in you, to be renewed in you, to receive your love and life, to take refuge in you. I honor you as my Sovereign, and I surrender every aspect of my life totally and completely to you, (this is where I will list specific areas that need surrender as God reveals them, like my "imagination", "discouragement", "doubt", and anything else He reveals).
I give you my body, soul, and spirit; my heart, mind, and will. I cover myself with your blood, and I ask your Holy Spirit to restore my union with you..." By the authority and power of Jesus Name, Amen.
Let's begin together to tame the wild horse that is our imagination thru surrender...and experience the sanctification that God is wanting to accomplish in this area...and ultimately live out the mind of Christ!

More on Prayer

2010-04-29T18:08:00.000-07:00

I'm building on the last post regarding prayer and how we treat it. Lately, God has been little by little changing the heart of my prayers to him. For a long time, I struggled praying period because I felt way too selfish in my motives to even lift anything up to God about whatever was on my heart. I was always praying in a way that seemed pointless and really not in line with how God would have me pray them. My husband then was introduced recently to a beautiful prayer that had a complete heart of surrender to it. I've been actively praying it nearly every day. It really has opened my eyes to how skewed my prayers had become because many times they were always based on my wants, my desires, my motives, etc that were simply self-serving. I mean I knew that I did that before, but didn't really know how to pray sincerely with a pure heart and then expect pure results from Him or what to look for...and accept the answers or lack of answers given.

Well, Jesus says in Matthew 6 clearly that we are to keep our prayers simple but also in a position of giving over control and manipulation to get God to do what we want Him to do. We can ask for His daily provisions, for answers, to protect us from temptations and the enemy, but in the end admit to Him in our hearts that all the we are and all that we have belong to Him and it is about His will and His purpose in the end. So in that, as I'm learning to pray more in this way, I'm also finding that a surrendered prayer definitely is the most freeing way to go...and one that will open my eyes to see God in ways I couldn't before.

Jesus says in Matthew 6: 9-13, Pray, then, in this way:
         'Our Father who is in heaven,
         Hallowed be Your name.
    ¹⁰'Your kingdom come
         Your will be done,
         On earth as it is in heaven.
    ¹¹Give us this day our daily bread.
    ¹²'And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
    ¹³'And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

Simple but pointed but recognizing God as the head of it all.

But then you see the ultimate surrender prayer from Christ before His crucifixion:

Matthew 26:39 And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will."

How often are we able to have this heart that Christ has...and how can we have it? I'm finding that as much as we don't like to admit it, it is through the impossible circumstances and when we are at the end of ourselves, that we tend to be most likely to surrender everything. So sometimes when we ask to have the pain and suffering removed, we are asking for Him to remove our surrendered hearts as well...and ultimately we will miss the joy and freedom of what He might do with that surrendered heart despite our circumstances. So I have been taking on the challenge of praying with surrender and being in awe of God and His mighty plan that is so much bigger than my wants, desires, and pleas for relief from difficulties. It is then that I believe we will see our true desires and wants met...because God doesn't ignore the true heart that He gave us.
I may be off some in my thinking, I don't know. But that is just what I have come to discover in this part of my journey. Surrender is hard, but necessary for a liberating life in Christ.

A Word on How We View Prayer

2010-04-28T06:21:00.000-07:00

Another great reminder from Wilkerson on how we view praying and what we see as answered or unanswered prayers. This really spoke to me. I've been struggling lately on how to pray the things I want to see happen vs. surrendering it all to God's will....it's without a doubt a pure journey of faith!

WILL MY PRAYERS EVER BE ANSWERED?

I believe in Holy Ghost timing. In God’s own time, all our prayers will be answered—one way or another—but the trouble is, we are afraid to submit our prayers to Holy Ghost scrutiny. Some of our prayers need to be purged because often our faith is misspent on requests that are not mature. We do not know how to pray, “Thy will be done.” We don’t want his will as much as those things permitted by his will.

Abraham exercised his faith to keep reminding himself he was a stranger on this earth. His blessing pact produced only a tent to dwell in, because he put all his faith in that city whose builder and maker is God.

Were some of these faith warriors not living in faith? Did God refuse to answer some of their prayers? After all, not all of them were delivered and not all lived to see answers to their payers. Not all were spared pain, suffering and even death. Some were tortured; others were torn asunder, wandering about destitute, afflicted, and tormented (Hebrews 11:36-38).

Some who had a reputation for having great faith “received not the promise”

(Hebrews 11:39). Those who did “obtain promises” used their faith to work righteousness, to gain strength in times of weakness, and to put the enemy to flight.

Don’t worry about whether God is saying “Yes” or “No” to your request. Don’t be downcast when the answer is not in sight and, please, quit concentrating on faith formulas and methods. Just commit every prayer to Jesus and go about your business with confidence. He will not be one moment early or late in answering, and if the answer you seek is not forthcoming, say to your heart, “He is all I need. If I need more, he will not withhold it. He will answer in his time and in his way. And if he does not fulfill my request, he must have a perfect reason for not doing so. No matter what happens, I will always have faith in his faithfulness.”

God forgive us if we are more concerned about getting prayers answered than in learning total submission to Christ himself. We do not learn obedience by the things we obtain but by the things we suffer. Are you willing to learn by suffering a little longer with what appears to be an unanswered prayer? Will you rest in his love while patiently waiting for the promise?

The Great Escapist Victim

2010-04-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

I'm sure many can relate to this, but I tend to be the type who is really quick to want to escape from reality of my responsibilities. This is where addictions happen really. I know my husband and kids can attest, the computer is the number one thing I run to as a source of escape.
But I'm also the type who is very aware of the wrong choices I am making each moment I make them. So I'm not completely ignorant to what I'm doing. Actually, I am aware so much that I am really good at beating myself up about it, self-loathing in my own pit of my own yuck really well until I finally tell myself to buck up and get over it. But that isn't fixing the problem obviously. It's still just avoiding it only to see it happen over and over.
As I've been reading through a book called True-Faced, which is about taking off our masks that we think are covering our sin, and trusting God and others with who you REALLY are, I have been made aware, as recent as yesterday, that I really don't let God tend to me in my sin areas like I should, hence my escapist tendencies. That's a mask really. I know the sins are there, but if I can just escape from the things that bring it out, then I can pretend they aren't there and not have to feel bad about myself and maybe no one else will see it either. Because that's about as far as I've gotten when I face my sin areas, just feeling bad about it. So I escape into things that enjoy to make myself feel better. Ugh! This is the world's way of doing things. And we know where that gets you. Right into more sin and the hands of the enemy!
So today I finally got real with God on a whole new level. It didn't feel good but I had to do it. Granted He knew it already, but I had to get real with myself and confess it to Him so we could work on this TOGETHER once and for all. I finally faced something that hurt really bad to have to say but knew it had to be dealt with. And that is the fact that I don't really enjoy spending time with God. Oh I am quick to run to Him when I need Him, but just enjoying His presence at any given time? I'm still not there. Because if I was, my actions would show it. Really, He is usually never the first thing I run to. It's usually the computer, or getting out of the house to escape from the reality of my responsibilities, being with friends, eating out, or spending money I shouldn't...blah, blah, blah. God is usually my last resort....ouch! But there it is...out in the light. And guess what, I didn't get struck by lightening?
But I also had to confess that I don't enjoy spending time with my kids like I should. To many, that may seem proposterous to not want to be with them. Or maybe you can relate. But in reality, who can quickly bring out our sin nature more than our own kids? See, our kids mirror us when you think about it. So if we are sinning in some areas, they ultimately will follow. Truthfully, I never lost my temper until I had children. It completely threw me for a loop. I didn't know I was capable of such thing. And I never really dealt with it the right way by letting God take a hold of that part of me when I was aware. I just kept letting it happen hoping God would forgive me each time and ultimately and unkowingly was blaming my kids for my temper. Now THAT is proposterous. So now 11 years and 2 more children later, I'm good to make it through a day without lashing out at one of them for some rediculous reason.
And this is where I had to confess that for the same reason the "escapist" comes out, I have also put the "victim" mask on. The temper flies out when I feel wronged in some way. It happens in my marriage too. So that victim mentality is one more thing that ultimately keeps me from facing my own sin. It makes others look like the sinner, not me. I've been wearing that mask for way too long but this one I didn't even realize it was a mask. I just thought being hurt was being hurt and it was rightly there. But when you think about it, who really wants to walk around feeling hurt all the time? And on another level, does God want me to walk around like this?
So the good news is, WE are made in GOD'S image, so we can come boldly into God's arms, so He can lovingly care for our hearts the way they need to be cared for, and walk us through the sins that want to keep us in bondage. And if we say we can't go there yet, confess it, face it, and let God help you deal with the lack of trust you feel toward Him. God is just waiting for us to come to Him JUST AS WE ARE so He can reveal Himself to us and transform us into His likeness.
For me, I need to stop escaping from him, but to Him, start trusting Him with my own sin and stop playing the victim all the time and just face the fact that I am a broken, sinful person, who needs Him as much as anyone else in every moment of every day. I can say it all day, but will my actions reveal that I truly believe it? I hope one day they willl. He wants to help me face every part that is broken and work on it with me, not to overwhelm me and condemn me, but to heal and renew the real me and ultimately help me find freedom and joy in every part of my life.

Pure Deception

2010-04-19T08:01:00.000-07:00

I feel I haven't posted in ages. But I guess it hasn't been as long as it feels. The past month feels like a year truthfully. You know that song "I get knocked down, but I get up again, nothing's ever gonna keep me down"? Well, I'm in the process of picking myself back up again from a pretty heavy blow I've taken recently....known as the blow of deception. And it's knocked the wind out of my sails quite a bit.

How did I get into this mess? Well, I got myself into it thinking all the right intentions were there, following my BIG dreams of fulfilling my purpose, thinking this would be part of my path to fulfilling my heart's desire, and in the middle of my vulnerability of it all, an individual was introduced to me from a trusting friend. And it appeared that this individual was just what God brought me to come alongside me and help me along after a sincere prayer I prayed to Him. It all looked great and exciting at first. Our purpose seemed in line with each other. She was giving me great insight, knowledge into my own heart, and even prayed some powerful prayers over me. But then a red flag would pop up here and there, but no one's perfect, right? So I'd let go. Then another one, but we don't want to judge and she's human so maybe God is working on her with that. Then the red flags started getting too hard to ignore, and suddenly it was revealed to me and ultimately through my husband that this individual of good intentions is walking in pure deception and taking others with her through this ministry that she is trying to get underway in this area. Scary, huh? Great intentions, and a good heart, doesn't always lead to truth. Because this lady has a good heart and I believe loves the Lord. And it scares me to death now to think of how many people like this are walking around leading others astray with what looks right. I am just so thankful that God was taking care of me all along, and opened mine and my husband's eyes before things got out of hand. I also think God allowed me to take this path as a learning experience and word of warning! So I don't believe it was a mistake that this happened. There's a purpose for everything.

Get this. A few weeks ago, God actually gave me a great word picture of what happens when our eyes go astray, and try to look to others or even our own understanding to stay on the right track with God. He gave me this before I even met this individual that I've been speaking of. You tell me if this isn't timely:
I take a dance/exercise class each week. And one thing that God showed me is what happens if I try to look at myself in the mirror or the other individuals in the class to get my moves right and not the instructor. Everyone has their own version of what all the dance steps are. But the instructor is the one who leads with all the right, original moves. If I start looking to someone on my right or to my left, suddenly I find myself doing it my own way or how someone else does it....then before I know it, I'm off track...and ultimately will get lost in the dance. But as soon as I look at my instructor again, I get back on track.
I'm sure you see where I'm going with this. I like to think of God as the instructor. God wrote the original Word, therefore we have to wholeheartedly keep our eyes on Him for Truth..and to keep in the step with His Spirit. Not to say He doesn't use others to help us along and I have many amazing friends who have helped me stay the course, but I know now more than ever that God's word will always keep me going in the right path...and hopefully I can ultimately bring others in that path that ultimately leads to Him and His truth!

So what did I learn from this whole experience? Get into God's word daily!! Test the spirits from those that come in your path that are teaching what they claim to be His word. In the end times, the enemy will come as an angel of light. Really, as far as this lady is concerned, her heart is in the right place, she loves the Lord, but her :truth" is a bit twisted. It's actually not truth at all! And we have to be on watch for that whenever people speak into your life. So I guess take this post as a word of warning. Not to bring fear but to bring an awareness and hopefully a new motivation to dig into God's word more, to seek Him in all that you do, and test the spirits that come in your path. And last but not least, put on that armor that God has so freely given!

The Armor of God

Eph. 6: 10-18
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

A Word of Hope

2010-04-12T07:21:00.000-07:00

This is a beautiful word of encouragement for those who have lost hope in whatever circumstance you are in. I receive an email 'gem' each day from this author, David Wilkerson. I hope this blesses someone today:

THE WAY UP

I have known of great Christians who have experienced a trial so dark and deep that life itself seemed almost not worth living. In his very darkest hour, Jeremiah discovered a glorious truth that brought new hope and assurance to his mind. It was something he already knew about God, but it didn't touch his soul until he came to the end of himself. He discovered that at the very bottom, God was there! The farther down he went, the more God was to be discovered. God was not to be discovered up there in some blissful soaring into untroubled skies, but in the shadows of grief and despair. When Jeremiah hit bottom, he bumped into God! He fell hard against the faithfulness of a compassionate God. Listen to his discovery:

"God is a God of compassion...his compassions for me cannot fail.... They are new every morning...great is his faithfulness..." (Lamentations 3:22-23).

Little by little, Jeremiah came to realize great truths that can only be discovered by those who are down.

1. When I am at the very lowest point; when troubles flow over my heart like water, and I say, "I am cut off," God draws near and whispers, "Do not fear!"(Lamentations 3:54-57).

2. When God seems to have "covered himself with a cloud, so that my prayers could not pass through," he will still see my oppression and will “judge my case” (Lamentations 3:44, 59).

3. If the Lord allows grief and sorrow, he will at the same time uphold me with abundant compassion and love (Lamentations 3:32).

4. God is not against me, trying to crush me under his foot when I'm down like a prisoner in trouble (Lamentations 3:34).

5. God is not trying to sabotage any of my plans; he is not causing my confusion; he is not working against me (Lamentations 3:35-36).

6. Even in my despair and bitterness, when I hated to face a new day, his compassion failed not. His mercies were waiting for me, new each morning (Lamentations 3:22-23).

7. Because God is always faithful, he will not cast me off. He will do right by me and save me (Lamentations 3:25-26).

8. When I am at my lowest, I have nowhere to turn but to God, so I will lift up my heart and my hands, and thank him for his faithfulness! (Lamentations 3:40-41).

9. Being down has spent my strength and hope. I am left empty and humbled, so now I depend totally on his mercies! (Lamentations 3:18, 20-22).

Turning Pain into Purpose

2010-03-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

Who has been in pain of some kind, large or small, at some point in this world? Everyone! Who has felt unloved, unimportant, and unworthy at some point in their life. Everyone! Who yearns to have a hole in their heart filled up with something that seems illusive and hard to find at times? Everyone! Do you know this is a tool God can use to change lives? My heart is breaking for all that have been to these places and are even still there because I have been there myself, even as recent as this week in some form or fashion.
But God has opened my eyes to the reality of this need people have for God's everlasting love in their life...all the way down my own children. Have you ever thought about how our children come with a hole in their heart, with a need to feel worthy of love and grace from the moment they are born? If anything, they are the perfect example of the honest response that happens when they are feeling unloved, unimportant, abandoned, and empty. But I've also realized that through life, we unfortunately learn to deal with all of this need by self-protecting, putting walls up, hiding our true feelings, and even forget that we are empty because we try to fill that hole with other things besides God. Therefore many people don't even know there's an aching need there anymore. And they become clogged up and therefore unable to receive love or even give it. And that is how we will stay empty. By closing up, not being real with God, with ourselves or others about our deepest need for love and purpose in life, and even not being willing to go through some pains in life in order to grow, we will not learn to live free and alive in Christ!

All that to say, today, I have a new passion, a new perspective, a new love for God's people that I didn't even know was possible. This is just where God has me right now. He's unclogged my heart I guess as I started getting real with Him about a lot of things over the past few years. Not to say everyone has to be there but let me tell you, if you open up your heart to God's heart, get ready! The floodgates will open! All I have to do is think of a few people I know that are hurting anymore before I have to fight off tears. God has opened the eyes of my heart more and more to what He sees in the day-to-day when people are walking around empty, hurting and unloved, and with that, my desire to guide as many as I can safe into His arms and give them a new hope and purpose in their life is growing daily. It's a beautiful yet kind of daunting feeling all at once really.

I don't really know how this is all gonna play out or if others will even see this when I cross their path. I am a work in progress like all of us so it may be hit or miss for a while. It took me 4 days to draw of the courage to send a card to my neighbor who God has placed on my heart this week...ha! I mean, honestly, over the last week, the darts have been flying from all direction as the enemy is trying to throw lies into my head and stop me in my tracks. Lies like, "People don't want your joy bad enough". "You might scare others off if you act too Godly or joyful". "Don't speak too openly about your new joy or you will be held accountable by others if you fall on your face"....ugh!! But the key to fighting off these lies is to stay out of my head and get into my heart daily. I know what my God-given heart is desiring and I have to trust that God will fulfill it as long as I stay willing and pour myself out like a drink offering at every opportunity. I will fail at times and I have to accept that. My perfectionistic tendencies want to get the best of me. But God isn't about perfection in ourselves, but finding His perfection of love that He wants to pour into and out of us. It still all scares the pants off me, though...lol.

But am I willing to do it anyways? Will I be able to turn the pains and struggles of my life and find purpose in them as I cross people's path by giving them hope thru the love of Christ? Will I be able to lay down my own agenda of what that looks like and trust that God will guide me day by day so His agenda will prevail? These are the questions that have run through my mind all week. And it comes down to letting Him completely take over my life, surrendering daily to His plan and his purpose...and taking every fear and thought captive so that I can take on the mind of Christ and let Him live THROUGH ME!

So the question remains for you out there reading this. What pains in your life have you experienced and overcome with God's help that you can now use to help others overcome their own struggles and pain? We have an amazing tool when we've endured a struggle and hardship in life, or are even going thru it at this moment. God doesn't let anything go wasted if we seek Him daily and recognize His hand in everything we go through. People want empathy, not sympathy most of the time. If we can tap into God's perspctive and ask Him to show us the world as He sees it, look out because He may have a mission for you that you didn't even know was possible. And it's all about baby steps. You don't have to save the whole world. But you can save a life if you ask God to give you the opportunity. And that is turning your pain into a purpose.

"But it has been granted to you on behalf of Jesus Christ not only to believe in Him, but to suffer for him" Phil. 1:29

"God can do anything, you know-far more than you can imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working in us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us" Eph. 3:20 (The Message)

Wrestling

2010-03-18T08:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a rough day. I wrestled in my heart and with God for the thousandth time about some frustrations that like to creep up on the days when I have to sit down and look at finances.I dread those days. It's not as intense as it used to be but there is still some frustration there that I am working thru. More times than not, the projected budget doesn't always turn out like I'd like. Meaning, we are usually going to be under somewhere by the end of the month due to some financial set-backs we've been experiencing over the past few years. I am a left-brained person who likes things to match up and look how they are supposed to look. I don't do well with the unknowns and nor do I like open-ended situations that I can't fix. I like things to be tied up in a pretty bow and have a conclusion to come to so I can make daily decisions accordingly. So because of that, finances will steal my peace in a nano-second if I think about them too much because I don't remember the last time we've had that assurance that things are all gonna come together perfectly on paper and I'm sure I've said before on some past blog post, I like 'PERFECT' a little too much.

I've also had to face the fact over the past 24 hours that I am nothing short of a spoiled brat when it comes down to it. I'm like a 3 year old who is always discontent. And most Americans are spoiled brats in some way because of our high-society living for so long. If we don't have all the extras, we feel God is holding out on us or that we aren't doing enough to make our lives happy and fulfilled. And that we need more, more, more. And that is called "the love of money", my friends. And also "lack of faith" in who God says He is and what He is doing. And I've had to face the fact that my love for the things of this world is still way out of control and my faith in God is not where it should be. I mean, what is ALWAYS dictating my inner peace or lack of? It seems to come down to discontentment in finances all the time.

I also know in my head that if I take the world's perspective on things, it will always look as if we are not being provided for and I'll always feel as if God is not taking care of us. And a lot of times it's because I'm angry that I can't get all the "extras" that the world expects should be handed to them. I want to travel more to see new places, have nicer things like a new couch to replace our old smelly, kid-stained, dog-smelling one. Or I want new flooring to replace the now stained carpet that was actually brand new just 3 years ago. I want a nicer yard. Heck, I could hardly enjoy spending $10 yesterday buying a few new towels for my newly-painted bathroom and I was mad about it. Anyways, you get the point. There will always be something out there I want. Even if we were millionaires.

But the Bible says, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess. 5:16-18

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Heb. 13:5

I can read these words til I'm blue in the face! I can say I believe them but my actions are still not following what I want to believe. I am really wresting with this and really have had to face once again that I don't get it yet. My heart is not following what my head knows still. I still want what I want, and when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, I throw a fit when I can't have what I want.

Lord, I know in my head you are working this out with me, but I really want once and for all to experience, wholeheartedly the freedom from this trap of discontentment. My heart is not free of this yet. I want to have the freedom to love You wholeheartedly without having to strive to get there. I can't do this on my own. I am not pretending that I can be content on my own strength anymore. I am falling flat on my face every time I try. Take this heart of mine and make it beat for yours and yours alone. I can't do it as long as I let the world's ways get in my way. I am not my own or the world's. I am yours. Everything I have is not mine. It is yours. Oh to live this out wholeheartedly experience the freedom of it. You know my heart better than mine. So help me to give it over completely to you daily so I can see your providential hand like never before and be content no matter what.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Fun Facts About Me...

2010-03-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

I just thought I'd get a little on the lighter side of things and share some tidbits about me, my likes, dislikes, my interests, and experiences that have marked my journey. Just for a little change of pace. So here it goes...

1. I was very, very shy as a child.

2. I am 2 1/2 years younger than my brother.

3. I was always the following-type kid growing up and seemed to always attract dominating friends for that reason...even into early adulthood.

4. I went to a private Christian school thru 5th grade, then public school from 6th-12th.

5. I was born down near the border of Mexico but have actually never been in Mexico before...go figure.

6. There are 3 things I am strongly phobic of: 1. open heights(like being on a tall ladder or a cliff) 2. tarantulas 3. lice

7. I went thru what many call a rebellious, partying stage late in high school 'til I was around 20 and gave my parents a lot of..well..hell during that time. I sorely regret those days but they were part of my journey. I do thank God often though for his protection over me during that time. He literally saved me from myself and that's something I can never take for granted.

8. My dream job outside the home would probably be to become a Doula or a dance instructor.

9. My love for music started when I was in junior high. I sang in the choir in school and church up thru high school.

10. Worship thru music is a passion of mine and I really love to sing harmonies in a group setting.

11. I am a total social bug, a people person, and never get tired of meeting new people. People actually energize me and I can get depressed if I isolate too much.

12. I don't really like talking politics because I know little about them, everything about it seems fake to me, therefore I really just don't trust the system. Is that bad?

13. I love college football...and as if many don't know, I love the Longhorns passionately (but only in football)!

14. I am not fond nor ever have been of eating vegetables...even as an adult. If I had it my way, I'd live on fresh bread, peanut butter, chocolate, mexican or chinese food. But I am getting better about the veggies to survive.

15. I am not very good at small-talk and still can come off shy or even stuck up to people who don't know me well.

16. And ironically, I loathe uncomfortable silence in a conversation. It makes my skin crawl really. And I usually work pretty hard to keep that from happening if some haven't noticed :).

17. Up until recently, I never thought of myself as a very good listener. My mind kind of checks out easily in conversations to be honest or I can interrupt badly. But God is changing that and I am truly eager to hear other peoples' stories and their hearts more than ever before.

18. I have a beautiful testimony of God's redemptive power in what seemed to be a doomed marriage just over 5 years ago. He has brought my husband through an amazing process of forgiveness, freedom and healing from sexual addictions that almost wrecked our marriage...and has shown me the power of forgiveness and what true unconditional love is all about. We are celebrating 13 years of marriage this June and are more in love than ever!

19. And lastly, though I accepted Christ as a child, age 7, my true growth in my relationship with God has probably grown more in the past 5 years than it did over the first 25 years of my life.

I guess that's all. You'd think I'd get to 20 but it's past midnight and my eyes hurt now...haha! But I had fun with this nonetheless.

G'night!

Treasures in Jars of Clay...

2010-03-12T06:36:00.000-08:00

I got a great treasure today from a daily email I receive from author David Wilkerson. I so can identify with what he had to say, especially this week.
I've been having one of those weeks where those little sins are trying to creep up and deem me powerless and are trying to steal my victory. This Word couldn't have come at a better time today.
It really is in my weakness that He is strong...and my hunger for Him intensifies...and there is victory in that in some mysterious way. So I am claiming victory over my weakness, my foolishness...because the power I long for comes from only God and not from me.

Here's what Wilkerson had to say:

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." 2 Cor. 4:7

Then Paul goes on to describe those jars of clay—dying men, troubled on every side, perplexed, persecuted, cast down. And even though never forsaken or in despair, those men being used by God are constantly under the burden of their bodies, waiting anxiously to be clothed with new ones.
God mocks man’s power. He laughs at our egotistical efforts at being good. He never uses the high and mighty but, instead, uses the weak things of this world to confound the wise.

"Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him."1 Cor. 1:26-29

Does that ever describe me! Weak thing—foolish thing—despised thing—a base thing—not very noble—not very smart. Yet that is his perfect plan—the greatest mystery on earth. God calls us in our weakness. He puts his priceless treasure in these earthen vessels of ours because he delights in doing the impossible with nothing.

Have you failed? Is there a sin that so easily besets you? Do you feel like a weakened coward, unable to get the victory over secret sin? But with that weakness in you, is there also a hunger for God? Do you yearn for him—love him—reach to him? That hunger and thirst is the key to your victory. That makes you different from all the others who have been guilty of failing God.
That sets you apart. You must keep that hunger alive. Keep thirsting after righteousness. Never justify your weakness—never give in to it—and never accept it as a part of your life.

Seasons....

2010-03-10T12:32:00.000-08:00

Seasons are a part of life....on the calendar and in our journey of life here on earth. I have been going over in my head a lot lately the analogies of life seasons vs. weather-related seasons. One thing I've noticed is, no matter what season of life we are in, we usually are always looking for it to be different, or better...unless everything going on around us is peachy keen and then we really have a hard time functioning in contentment when our lives are at a point where it feels like a perfect 70 degree beautiful sunny day. I also have noticed that in weather-related seasons, it isn't much different as far as our response, even though the we know that each season has its purpose and really needs to happen for the earth to function the way it is supposed to. So what I am about to write may be able to bring a lot of insight to our lives whatever season of life we are at. I will be doing one season a day so it won't be as daunting to read.

Winter - winter is usually welcomed by many when it begins. We've overcome the warm summer, been thru fall (what is fall in Texas?), etc. Some get beautiful snow, some just get some nice cold snaps like we do in Texas with mild weather in between. But come January, most EVERYONE is ready for it to go. Even us Texans who really don't have it all that bad compared to the northern hemisphere. But they say that most suicides happen in the winter due to the lack of sun in winter. Very sad statistic indeed. But whether people realize it or not, they like change. The mundane can grow tiresome and boring...and usually will eventually bring out the worst in us. I'm not so good at withstanding cloudy, cold days for very long. I can get depressed quite easily with what I am feeling and seeing once January comes.
And isn't that a lot like we respond to the "winters" of life? We let only what we can see and feel get us down. But underneath it all, there is purpose in it. Just like underneath the ground, there is new life ready to spring up when winter ends. The truth is, things have to die out so that God can work on some new things in your life and sometimes the process just doesn't feel or look good. God has a beautiful purpose in His mysteriousness even in those cold, gloomy days, in weather and in our lives. We just don't see it very well because we tend to react to what we see, not to what it is preparing us for. And that usually is coming from lack of faith in God's sovereignty and goodness.
What in your life do you feel is just lifeless, purposeless, and pretty much depressing? Is your heart feeling dead today? Are you finding yourself wanting something different, something that feels better or looks better than where you are at? Think upon that and then realize that God is putting you through this season because He is trying to prepare you for the "spring" when this season of life is over. And realize that you can't rush God just like you can't rush winter to end. He knows what all needs to happen before your next season comes. Ask Him to reveal what this season is accomplishing. Try to see it through His eyes. I bet it won't make it look so daunting. But know that this season will pass...and the things that God is going to do with it will make it not seem so bad when "spring" rolls around. Just make the best of today wherever you are at...and try to look forward to "tomorrow". God has great things coming.

"Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:3

My "spring" post coming soon...stay tuned...

Getting My Joy Back

2010-02-28T19:49:00.000-08:00

Sadly as I look back over the past 5 years or so, I really seemed to waste a lot of time trying to find joy in all the wrong places. Because of depression, anxiety, losing myself in my kids and family responsibilites and just going through the motions after a while, I had just lost my joy altogether and really couldn't find it consistently anymore. Yet there was still this deep longing for that joy to return. I just didn't know how to get it back.
I haven't talked about this much with many people but the only thing for a very long time that I could remember feeling true joy and fulfillment from was when I was pregnant and when my children were born. Therefore, my longing for more children would never go away, even after my 3rd child. Up until a few months ago, I wanted a 4th child pretty badly, but couldn't really figure out why. I had really lost that ability to find joy in my life outside of the idea of carrying and bringing another child into the world. Even raising my kids wasn't bringing any joy to me like I'd always hoped. It was a duty that turned into a daunting task each and every day because I truly felt I was a big failure daily with this job, as I know many parents feel, and it was zapping any joy I could find from my children sadly. They were just exposing my weaknesses and that didn't feel good. And of course there was always this voice that said I was nuts for wanting more kids because i could hardly take care of the ones I had without being a neurotic mess most of the time. But I still couldn't make the desire for more kids to go away. And I knew that desire was coming from a lack of something deeper.
I have maintained a relationship with God all this time even yet I still wasn't satisfied. I mean the Bible says that He is the one who satisfies our deepest longings, but I wasn't feelin' it still.

Well over the past several months, God has been unleashing some things in my heart that have allowed this longing to finally start being fulfilled. He has given me a world of things around me to enjoy and be filled by. I have been challenged to really list what these things are and recognize them as gifst from God. I think He tries to fulfill us in ways beyond our recognition sometimes. And as I have been recognizing these things, it has revealed to me that there has been a joy-filled life here for the taking each and every day of my life that I have been missing out on because I had that "grass is always greener" mentality all this time. Now I just have to choose to recognize that it's here...now...and to let my life be full...now...right where God has me. My dad used to say all the time to look for God's fingerprints everywhere you go. And that is just what I've been doing. And you don't have to look far. This is that "taking God outside of the box" mentality too. He's EVERYWHERE if you just look for Him.
So I'm gonna get even more personal and list some things that have been restoring my joy each day. Notice they don't have to be BIG or expensive or life-altering. Many are small things but that fill my heart up immediately if I just soak in the moment.

1. The freedom to pray and read the Word anytime
2. My kids' laughter
3. Hugs and kisses from my kids
4. hot baths (I just had to put this one in)
5. My husband's companionship and love for me
6. Serving my husband selflessly
7. Serving my kids their favorite meal and seeing the smiles on their faces
7. Dancing for fun
8. Worship music
9. Sunny 70 degree days
10. Speaking a word of encouragement to someone
11. The privelege of being at home full time
12. new opportunities to share Christ with others

These are just some of the things that I've found that I've taken for granted too long. But if I choose to see them all as gifts from God, my whole perspective changes. Do you realize that all of these things don't cost a dime (well I guess we could get technical about that baths..ha). And do you notice some things even involve giving out to others? Giving out I've found can be the most fulfilling if my heart and motives are in the right place.

Well, there you have it. Some improvements being made in Bethany's life. And God is behind it all. Just like we love to see our children filled with joy, he wants the same for me. That alone brings me joy.

What would your list look like? What things can you find joy in again? You dont' have to look far. It's all around you for the taking.

Psalm 16:11
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

My Bad Dream

2010-02-20T20:41:00.001-08:00

For some reason I've felt led to share something that happened a few nights ago that woke me up in the middle of the night with my heart just pounding. I was gripped with fear when I woke up. This is the second time this has happened to me in the past month and it doesn't seem ironic that as my heart is being healed in areas, the enemy is going to use one of my most vulnerable states, in my sleep to try to attack it.
So the other night, I had a nightmare where I was almost killed, and others were actually killed in my dream in a helicopter crash. I woke up in a panic, knowing I was safe in my room, but at the same time I felt very unsafe because it didn't feel like my room...like I was in the twilight zone or something. Tim has had a hard time sleeping in our room for several reasons so he was out on the couch sleeping as he has for a while. So I was alone, and I almost crawled out on the couch with him I was so scared. It was about 2 in the morning when this awful dream woke me up.
As I laid there, I was trying really hard to wake up completely so I could combat this fear that was piercing me and keeping me from resting. I then kept reciting the verse "I lie down and sleep in peace for you O Lord make me dwell in safety". I had to say it over and over. Then the Lord prompted me to pray for the others in my dream. I began to battle for them in my prayers and was so heavy-hearted toward them. I have to trust it was for a reason. Then the Lord gave me a vision of angels that were surrounding my room. They were protecting me, ready to take on any dark forces that would surround me. The crazy thing is, even the thought of angels around me spooked me a little. I thought, "What is wrong with me?" Now I'm fearing the very thing that God sends to protect me?
So anyways, it took me an hour to finally settle myself back to sleep. I still haven't quite figured out what that was all about. We are told when we come out of D2, our hearts are very vulnerable for attack, so that could be just what that was. I don't know. But it was aweful and I really don't want to go through that again.
So to whoever is reading this, any insight would be welcome on what you think this was all about. Any verses that would help me fight it if it happens again are also very appreciated. Any thoughts?

Peace out :).

Purging...and Filling

2010-02-18T19:25:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to figure out where to begin with explaining where I am at this week emotionally and spiritually. Tim and I went to our second phase of Discovery last weekend, a.k.a. D2. This time it dealt with our present obstacles in life. Last month dealt with our past.
Let me just say that this was my major breakthrough weekend for me. MAJOR!! Last month was great, but I knew this past weekend would probably be even better for me as I really do struggle more with my present circumstances than I ever did my past ones. And I was right. There was some "heart surgery" that still needed to be done obviously and that is just what happened. And it really did bring some healing for me.

So I'm just gonna share the two hilighted experiences that were defining moments for me:

To start off, in one instance, we were asked to think of one relationship in our life that we needed the most healing in. I was torn between two different ones. I prayed for the Lord to tell me which one He wanted me to address. And before I knew it, I was speaking my heart out to my 5 year old daughter. I didn't see that comin' actually.
I knew I had been dealing with some frustration and disconnectedness toward her and had been defeating myself as a mother in general for a long time. She is such an amazing little girl. And she brings so much joy to my life. And yet I've been finding myself just being so distant from her emotionally...and also butting heads with her way too much lately. I know many parents deal with this. But I had beat my head against a wall too long and I had had enough. And I kept saying to myself, "she's not getting younger, she's only gonna get older and even more difficult to reach out to". Yikes! And I knew that this precous gift from God, as well as my other 2 precious gifts, deserves a whole mother, not a self-defeating, insecure, and frustrated one. And until I was able to speak from that dark place in my heart the way I needed to, there was no way I could have known what was down there. So out it came. And wow! Little did I know what was in there. I wept so hard. Tears were a-pourin' like a waterfall. But it felt so good to get it out. It was so healing. Like flushing out the toxins so things could flow freely again out of my heart. Then after I got it all out, the person I was speaking to just held me while I wept some more. That's where the filling came in. My heart felt whole...and I could see clearly again the love for my children that God meant it to be. And needless to say, I couldn't wait to get home after that point and just hold my girls. And that is just what I did. The second I walked in the door Sunday night, we sat on the couch and all cuddled for a very long time. It was a defining moment for us.

So backing up, the other highlighted moment that day, after all that weeping...ha...was when Tim and I had the opportunity to speak into each other's lives as well...straight out of our hearts. It was unexpected yet so timely. This is the short version as to not give too much away of the details in case someone reading this decides to ever go to Discovery, but really and truly, it was a beautiful moment in our marriage...and once again, we were ultimately weeping on each other like it was the last time we'd ever see each other. Really a defining moment for us that I will never forget. And I'd say that was the best Valentine's present a woman could ask for. Talk about filling up your heart!

Now back to reality here, we've already had our bumps this week. But will I choose to live with a free heart still or let the toxins back in that clogged it up before?

"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery". Galatians 5:1

"You show that you are a letter from Christ, a result of your ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts".
2 Cor. 3:3

Outside the Box

2010-01-28T11:37:00.000-08:00

This may be kind of a ramble so bear with me if you will. I really haven't posted much since that high I was on after Discovery almost 3 weeks ago. Well, as we know with highs usually comes lows shortly thereafter. And I've definitely had my taste of lows over the past week or two. Depression, fear, doubt, you name it has pretty much hit me in the face due to circumstances, questions, confusion, etc. So hopefully this post won't confuse others as I try to get my thoughts out.

I think the one thing that keeps ringing back to me when I'm trying to sort through the ups and downs over the past few weeks is, "Am I trying to put God back in a box (in my mind) that He has never been in the first place?" I still can't wrap my mind around some things that I experienced at Discovery...nor can I ever really put it into words as I describe it to other people. I usually get cross-eyed stares and even rebukes about the things that I experienced there so I've just stopped bringing it up to avoid heady conversations....lol. I know what my heart experienced though and really only I and God can know it to the depths what that was. Therefore I still believe God moves in mysterious ways a.k.a (outside the box) and sometimes we have to accept that that's "the final answer". Point being for myself and others, DON'T TRY TO FIGURE OUT GOD WITH OUR MIND! HE IS WAY TOO BIG and our minds are way too small!! He is infinitely able to work and function in any circumstance...anywhere, with anyone, even if we don't understand how or why...but we must be in the position to receive what He has for us, whatever it is, wherever it is.

I think (and tell me if I'm wrong here) one the biggest traps of the enemy is to make us believe that we can figure God out as we're getting to know Him. I just am speaking from experience here. If our minds are trying to wrap around God, we are gonna get nowhere fast because it's gonna make us confused and frustrated. God is too big for our minds!! Too much!! How freeing it would be if we would get to the point of understanding that. But what is a subtle tactic of the enemy is that we think we're merely getting to know God by trying to figure Him out. So I believe we need not mix up the two. It's a trap...at least of me and my over-analytical-ness (is that even a word? :-) )

Only our heart can know God intimately. And knowing God intimately comes from His promptings, His drawing of Himself to us, His revelations to us, His will, His plans. If we aren't sensing Him doing so, we start trying to figure Him out. Talking about digging ourselves a hole. Not to say we aren't to pursue Him. We are. But we are also to let Him reveal things to us when He knows we are ready for it, not when we think we are ready, or what we want to hear.

I also want to address this regarding the Bible. By us trying to figure out everything that God says in His word in our understanding is simply gonna make us get frustrated and want to throw the Bible across the room ...at least it does for me. Am I the only one who struggles with that? Some scripture can give me the all good fuzzy feelings while another can make me want to hurl all over myself and also question God's character and His thoughts toward me...but only if we let the enemy use it against us. But instead of tossing it across the room, we can ask God to reveal why we are feeling that way. What is our mind getting wrong that our heart needs from Him?

Another example, the enemy used scripture against Jesus during His test of temptation, but Jesus had God's wisdom and God's heart ready to to hurl it back at the enemy like a torpedo. What would happen if that was us? The possiblities are endless really...because God is that big! Doesn't it make complete sense then to say that anytime we begin to open up God's word, we need to wholeheartedly pray for the Holy Spirit to guide us through it with His wisdom and His understanding? Otherwise, our feeble minds and the scheme of the enemy will ultimately yield it fruitless to even crack it open.

Ok, did I just chase a rabbit?....

So in a nutshell, my challenge for myself and others is to let God outside of the box (since He's not in there anyways), stop trying to figure Him out, and ask Him to reveal Himself to us in ways we will never be able to wrap our mind around and sometimes not even put into words, but that our hearts can't deny. Only then, will we know God intimately and see His HUGE heart!

Let the other questions be answered when we get to heaven...;)

Hearts Alive

2010-01-14T10:21:00.001-08:00

"You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts."
2 Cor. 3:3
This describes what we saw last weekend to a tee!! I saw the living God written all over the tablets of human hearts like never before this weekend!
And my title to the post pretty much sums up what that looks like. Hearts alive!!! Some of you have read my husband's account of last weekend. Nothing short of amazing! Amazing! And I was given the unique honor and privelege of experiencing something this weekend alongside him that will be in my heart forever. Many are reluctant about this retreat we attended last weekend. And understandably so. And I know it is only in God's will or timing that those of you praying about it will go or not.
I even was going in scared out of my mind...and very skeptical. But left with a beautiful gift that will remain forever. My heart was set free in ways I didn't know it needed. True that my strong discerners were still on all weekend. And it took me two days to really just soak in what God had for me. But in the end, I knew how to love who God made me to be just the way He's wanted me to all my life. Do you know how freeing it is to love you just the way you are? I finally was able to come into agreement with God about how He sees me as His beloved, chosen daughter.

Backing up a bit, what I can say is that this program is not perfect. No program is. Heck, churches aren't perfect. We all know that. But the sole purpose of their mission is to show people what's in their heart that needs to come out, help them remove it...then get it filled it back up with unconditional love and grace that they have been lacking all their life, and ultimately set their hearts on fire. Later on they teach us how to live that out and find our purpose here on earth. And thru the love that was given out, I can't doubt for a second that what I saw last weekend has God's hands all over it, even in it's imperfections. Where love is, God is. And it is not Discovery that gave me and these people I now dearly love a second chance on having a free heart. It is only God who can do that. He is just using this place as a tool to do so. And I have been finding scripture after scripture to back up what I saw this weekend.

Also, you find out thru testimonies from the leaders at the end of the weekend that a lot of the people leading and assisting are Christians and believers in Christ and that sharing Him with others is their mission in life.
I can also say with confidence that they openly let God in where there is room for him. But many people aren't ready to receive Him just yet. And they don't just pound Him in where people can't receive it. And I respect that.
I have also come to the conclusion that many people who came to get "help" came because they really have been scared away from the church or from God...and are looking for help wherever they can find it. This organization is really about meeting people where they are at. And sometimes the don't want to hear about God. And having God in the advertisement would have been a hindrance for some to come who really needed to be there. Yet I love that God is not limited by the reason people are there. They usually come out with a different result than what they thought they would...and may find God again because of it.

Personally, my experience was not quite as emotionally heavy with sobbing tears as my husband's when they helped me tug out all the things in my heart that needed to go. But it rings true that the experience is very different for everyone. Don't get me wrong, there was plenty to be tugged at and pulled out of my heart. I cried a lot throughout the weekend but at different moments. I learned I had a lot of anger, feelings of low self-worth, guilt, and my experience in the process of removing it was a very difficult one but in the end it was all worth the pain. It's like in childbirth. The pain hurts but once you have that new life, you forget about that pain. But I can say that I think I got just as much if not more out seeing others walk in freedom as I did in my own. Words just can't describe how amazing that was. My heart was overflowing like never before. It was beautiful!
And lastly, I learned for myself that for a long time, my receiver has been broken. I was taking in all the bad that has been said to me through the years...and pushing away all the good that others have tried to fill my heart with...because I didn't feel they were true...nor have I loved me for who God made me to be. I've always felt like I didn't measure up to this standard I had given myself. And because of that, I haven't been able to freely give out unconditionally love with reckless abandon the way I have always wanted to. I can't give what I don't receive. If my heart is empty, there is nothing to give out. I just didn't know how to get to the point of having love flow freely in and out of me. And now I can say with confidence that my receiver is whole and well...so hopefully the outflow will reveal that!! I will stumble and old habits will try to creep in but there is a new identity that I can cling to and believe about myself that I couldn't before. And there is power in that because of Christ living in me!!

I think anyone can benefit from an experience like this. But I also know that Discovery is not the only way. God can use any tool to reveal Himself.
There is a gift in your heart though that God wants to give you and it will inevitably be a beautiful empowering thing for a lifetime!

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24

Reckless Abandon

2010-01-06T20:07:00.000-08:00

Luke 4:22-28
All spoke well of him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from his lips. "Isn't this Joseph's son?" they asked.
Jesus said to them, "Surely you will quote this proverb to me: 'Physician, heal yourself! Do here in your hometown what we have heard that you did in Capernaum.' "
"I tell you the truth," he continued, "no prophet is accepted in his hometown. I assure you that there were many widows in Israel in Elijah's time, when the sky was shut for three and a half years and there was a severe famine throughout the land. Yet Elijah was not sent to any of them, but to a widow in Zarephath in the region of Sidon. And there were many in Israel with leprosy in the time of Elisha the prophet, yet not one of them was cleansed—only Naaman the Syrian."
All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this. They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him down the cliff. But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.

I'm getting back into my daily Bible reading. This is part of the passage I was reading last night. I read through it and was actually a bit frustrated at myself because sometimes these stories of Jesus just don't penetrate my heart like I want them to. They kind of bounce off of me and I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from it. Why did Christ walk away at the end of this passage? Is He really that heartless that He would just leave those people like that? So as I was honest with God about my questions and concerns, I asked Him to reveal something to me through this. About Jesus, about me, whatever He wants. And sure enough, I haven't been able to get this passage out of my mind since. And boy has God been revealing!

First of all, this passage reveals the human condition. And I have to realize that Jesus wasn't actually even surprised by their actions. He knew their hearts before He even got there. And knew the cross was necessary for this reason. Look back at what this passage says. First the people were amazed and speaking well of Jesus when He was speaking what they wanted to hear and all the grace coming out of Him. But as soon as He spoke some truths that they didn't want to hear, they wanted to throw Him off a cliff. Suddenly He wasn't that feel-good Jesus that makes everything feel better in a snap that we think He is supposed to be. No, He was being the real Jesus. He is good alright, but He isn't always out to make us feel good if it is to bring us to the place we need to be. We don't know what happened to this group of people after He left, but I like to believe that they were later humbled by what His message of the cross really was if they ever were to hear it again...which brings me to my next point...Jesus' heart for relationship.
He was looking for people Who wanted a relationship with Him. And as soon as He was rebuked, He moved on to find someone who would follow Him. But did He leave them with a hard heart? No He left them knowing that soon after, the cross would take care of His relationship with them. He knew the story wasn't over. And as we know, there were only a select few out of His disciples who did actually follow Him all the way to the cross for shear loyalty. Most everyone else nailed Him there.

Wow! Is it just me or can you relate to this wishy-washy way of living and supposedly "following" Christ? We want feel-good Christianity...not the kind that requires us to abandon all our desires and dreams so we can follow Christ simply for Who He is and not what He might do for us. The second we don't hear what we want or don't have our prayers answered, or are asked of something too hard, we just want to "throw Him off a cliff" and abandon Him first to "protect ourselves" from anymore hurt. And we only know where that leads us.

Last Sunday night at church we had an awesome discussion about what Christianity really involves. And when it is said to take up our cross and follow Him, taking up our cross means to deny our own selfish wants and desires for His. They were traded out at the cross anyways so what are we holding on to? Our flesh was crucified ALONG with it's passions and desires way back then. We can't hold on to the flesh and the cross at the same time...and follow Jesus. It just doesn't work that way. That was a huge revelation for me. Not a new one, but a fresh reminder of how skewed my view has been. But the good news is that we have freedom to choose to pursue what He was out to accomplish and that is ultimately to have unbroken relationship and fellowship with Him....if we choose. I guess the way to know if we are messing it up is if we are putting things we want ahead of having a relationship with God? I'm sure all of us can think of something. We're human and we live in a fallen world. The first commandment says to have no other Gods before Him...we mess that up daily. But there is no condemnation in this because the cross took care of our human, worldy condition. Therefore we can choose to follow Him today and every day so He can show us what the cross accomplished. I know I haven't seen enough of that in my own life...but know I'd like to.

All in all, are we asking God to follow us? Are we trying to "throw Him off a cliff" because He didn't tell us what we wanted? Or are we willing to jump of the cliff with Him and whole-heartedly follow Him?

Living What We Want to Teach

2010-01-04T21:17:00.000-08:00

This may hurt to read, but when it comes to what we teach our kids, how many things do we really do that we tell our kids to do? Ouch! Don't you love those punches in the gut?

So yeah, today, I was cleaning my house like crazy. This part of me doesn't pop up very often but when it does, watch out. I can be a bit of a control freak about the house looking somewhat clean or functional a lot of the time. Funny thing is, when it comes down to it, I really stink at organization and I'm really bad at sticking to any kind of routine to help keep things simpler. Therefore I'm usually always unrestful about the state of my house and I'm terrible at teaching my kids how to do their part. I hate that about myself. It's a daily battle. I'm usually overwhelmed with housework and avoiding my duties...and resenting them...or I'm racing around all over the place to clean like a crazy woman and "stomping" on my kids if they get in my way...and getting upset at them for not doing their part in helping me out or if they mess up what I just cleaned. Yeah, this is not ok to do, is it?

So today I was doing just that. Anything they left out, I told them to pick up or told them to not mess anything up. I was a drill sargeant by the end of the day. And the reason being, I was actually expecting them to automatically be something at age 11, 6, and 5 years of age that they really couldn't be...that actually in my 34 years on this earth, I can't even be. How fair is that? I mean how often do I treat what God has freely given me to enjoy and also to take care of so passively and unmindful? Too often! I have to hope that God is speaking to me about this for a reason. Because I'd like that to change.

Some people are there, I know. But I bet it didn't happen at an early age. Some people floor me at how mindful they are that everything they own is not theirs. And that they are to do everything as unto the Lord...and treat everything given them in a way that pleases Him. That includes our time, bodies, our children, our homes, our finances, and of course His beloved children (and that means everybody...everybody), and I'm sure there's more I'm not thinking of.

So my conclusion is, God needs to do some serious transforming in me before I can ever expect my precious children to even get what it means to treat everything as if it is the Lord's and to not take anything for granted. I still should be teaching them no doubt. But I'm not sure how good I'll be at it unless I'm really living it myself.

Another Year Has Passed...

2010-01-02T15:20:00.000-08:00

So I've been trying to think of the highlights that encompassed 2009 for me. With my ADD brain, sometimes compartmentalizing things in my head is an impossibility so I'm hoping as I type, it will come.
I'm starting with what is under the category as "new" or "a horizon" in my life that happened in 2009.

1. First and foremost, we have a new family member living in our house...and no, it's not a baby. It's my sweet sister-in-law Becky who has moved down here from NY. She didn't plan to stay with us longer than a few months, but lo and behold, she is still here waiting on God's timing to find her a new place to live....which is completely fine by us. Thankfully she has found a church home, new friends, a good job, and even a very nice boyfriend. All the chips are falling in place so far. I just hope she isn't sick of us yet because we are certainly not with her. Quite the contrary. She has been nothing short of a blessing to have around and we will miss her when she does find her own place. And as a little extra, the chips are falling in place for my mother-in-law to move down in 2010, which will be very exciting!

2. The next new thing I can say that really developed in 2009 is the new community of friends that God has brought into my life. And strangely enough it's not even really within my church. I tend to be someone who surrounds myself with friends regularly. I'm a very social and relational person, yet toward the beginning of last year, I was missing the sense of community we (Tim and I) had a few years back through some relationships at church. Dynamics changed, people moved, relationships changed, etc. and we were kind of left wandering around when last year started...at least I was. I admit I don't do well when I feel out of sorts in that area. Then thru a series of circumstances, we started rekindling some old friendships, then that led to new friendships that we met through these old mutual friends...and then some of us ladies started meeting weekly as a prayer group with new and old friends...and we still are...and Tim and some of the husbands had been already meeting separately even before we were. Now here we are and we have a group of friends that I really believe have been God-ordained into our lives. It's been awesome! We genuinely love to be together. And after the year we've all shared together, we were able all spend the last day of 2009 together. No other way to do it in my opinion! Some of these people I've known for less than a year, some for many years, yet I feel I've known all of them my whole life. And I dearly cherish the love that we all have for each other and thank God for them. It will be etched in my heart for a lifetime.

3. I also must mention a dear childhood/family friend that I have been able to rekindle my friendshship with this past year thru Facebook. Amber, I really consider you another "new" soul sister to me in so many ways and I thank God for bringing you back into my life. May our physical distance never keep us from remaining close at heart. I look forward to sharing more life together over a new year and hopefully even the next decade...and beyond. Love you, my friend!

4. My marriage has hit many new heights. Though we still have our bumps, we have definitely come to a new level of love for each other that can not go unmentioned for 2009. We celebrated 12 years of marriage in June and am so glad to say we are happily approaching 13 years. I love my husband.

5. Tim and I also have come to a new understanding of what God's love looks like. We went through some un-doing several months back and our whole mindset began to be transformed about the whole lie of thinking we are still earning God's love vs. the truth that God's love never changes no matter who we are or what we have done...or will do. It's a beautiful freeing thing when you can live it out. We said it for years that God's love is enough but to live it out is a whole other thing. Though living it out is the hardest part as we are changing old mind habits, it is still hopeful to know that God's love is always enough, even when we don't "get it" or are able to receieve it moment by moment. He is never surprised by where we are at, what we have done, or what we will do. He created us in His image and His love has conquered all the sin that tries to encompasses our lives. Thank you, Father, for Your unchangeable, everlasting love for your children.
6. We have also begun a new endeavor of going to the Sunday night service at church and leading a Bible Fellowship as well. We love the new schedule, new worship music, and the class is moving along pretty well. It's always a challenge to develop community with a brand new group of people so we are just trusting God as He keeps us in this place of leadership. And we just hope some fruit comes of this step of faith we are taking.

6. We have had a 1st grader and a 5th grader start school in the fall of 2009. Faith (our 1st grader) is sailing through her reading. She is very artistic and truly loves school. Hannah (our 5th grader) has been dealing with an overabundance of homework and has struggled for the first time in her 5 years of school. It has been a new experience for her and for us to see our smart girl get so overwhelmed. But we're working through it and she is still a great kid nonetheless. We are very proud of her. She is also becoming an excellent volleyball player. She just finished her 5th season of playing. Her coach this fall was very instrumental in her growth. We wish we could have this same coach in the spring but she had to retire from this league after the fall. We hope to see more great games and growth in Hannah this spring in whatever team she ends up in.

Here is the category of "same ol', same ol' (everyone's gotta have those):

1. Though God is still very real, so is an enemy who doesn't give up. Through some of the past blogging I've done, it's no new news that there are still many hurdles that I still grapple with...and the enemy tries to throw them at me daily. Pride, selfishness, confusion, apathy, condemnation, and the great question "Is God really enough"?, And there's also the other big question of, "Is my life really reflecting what I say or what I want to reflect"? I pray 2010 will bring some new freedoms with it as the enemey tries to use these things to try to run my life in the day-to-day. God is a big God and is into doing more than we could ever ask or imagine. Our youth pastor challenged us last Sunday to stop depending on ourselves for change, but believing the big things that God can do in 2010. I'm still working on my list. My prayer right now is, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief". That's about as far as I've gotten.

2. In 2008, the economy began to hit us pretty hard. With Tim being in sales, it can always be a gamble when the economy is struggling. Sure enough, 2009 has turned out to be no different, in fact has been one of our toughest years yet financially. But in the midst, God has taught us to simplify some things and really lean on Him completely. And He has helped free me of some control issues I've had over finances. I just THOUGHT I had control...ha! Yeah right! We have also gone down to one car, we don't eat out as much, we are budgetting more, and I've taken on a part time home child care job to help a little. Needless to say, selfishly, I would hope for this year to bring some relief in the area of finances, but we know that God doesn't always work on our time clock, nor does he always use comfort to show Himself more. We shall see what this year brings. I've come to the conclusion that I know nothing...and He knows everything, including what's best for us..much more than we know.

This was long so I'll stop here. But my heart's desire is to see God and know Him more than ever before. So whatever He needs to do to accomplish that, bring it. Please Lord, ignite the fire. Rekindle the passion that I once had. I'm looking forward to the journey ahead for 2010...

Life Isn't Fair, But God Is Good

2009-12-21T15:55:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I stole that title off a book I saw in a bookstore the other day. It caught my attention. I didnt' really even have to pick up the book to look at what else it wanted to say. It was enough to get my wheels turning about weather I can really say that and mean it. I think we all can say the "Life Isn't Fair" part and believe it, but how many times do we say the "God is good" part and actually believe it. It's become very cliche to say it. Though our actions will most often prove that we believe differently.
I've been dealing with some attitude problems when it comes to the whole fairness thing. Yet my head tells me all the time that God isn't trying to make life fair, just to offer grace...and unfortunately, we may never understand completely that til we are in heaven. But we are to receive it.
Like, why do I have to constantly pick up after 4 other people in my house only for them to turn around and mess it up again? But when the house isn't kept nicely, who gets the blame for not doing their job? At least I feel I get the blame. Ok, so that was me venting a little but it's just what goes through my head...like daily...and I don't know a mom out there that doesn't think the same way often.
But truthfully, I have been really asking the Lord to take over my heart about this because that attitude makes me miserable, and I'm sure I make my family miserable too. I have still felt so incredibly sinful and ugly when it comes to the spirit that comes out of me in regards to this. Like today, I was having one of my episodes again, "How can they expect me to keep up with their mess all the time?". "There's one of me and 4 of them". "How do I do this and not go insane?" I went in my room and began to weep. I was so mad but more than that, was so mad at myself for still being so selfish and bitter still. "Really, God? Is this who I have be the rest of my life? Where is the Holy Spirit that is supposed to take over when I need it most?"
Then the Lord stopped me in my tracks. First He spoke to me about what I was basing my love for Him out of. We usually only like to spend time with God when we expect something from Him or want something from Him. Ouch! That is not love at all!! So when it comes down to it, how many can truly say that we love God for who He is? That we want to be with Him because of His character. Because we really just like Him and nothing more.
And sadly, the only way I was to relate to that was by thinking of some friends that I love being around because of who they are. And I really don't expect anything in return from them. I just love to be with them because they are a joy to be with. Yet God is so much more, at least that's what His Word says. He will always bring out the best in us. He will always be enjoyable. But more than that, He will always have the character that we long to have and be around.

I confess that I have fallen short of that not only toward God, but toward my family. I have fallen into this trap of only thinking of what's in it for me, and not loving them simply for who they are. Yes, they are gonna treat me unfairly, as is anyone we know, yet I have based my feelings toward them on that. It pains me to think that I have fallen that shallow toward the ones who are to be nearest and dearest to my heart.
I am not falling under condemnation here, just seeing a revelation of how caloused my heart has become. I also realize that it is only by His Holy Spirit that my heart can change. That I am but dust and He is the only one with any hope of me changing. Only through His love, can I love unconditionally again.
So even if life isn't fair, people aren't fair, or we don't think God is being fair, are we gonna believe He is still good...and that those around us are worth the love we are to give to them?

I feel like a hypcrite typing that last part. Because I know I still am processing it all and can't give the "good" answer. But I pray that the Lord will work out what He has stirred up in me. I know I can't do anything on my own, but there is hope, because He says, "All things are possible with God."

Confidence

2009-12-13T19:54:00.000-08:00

Confidence....this is an area that I have struggled with my whole life. It is very easy for me to believe myself as one who can't possibly rise above a daunting situation, whether big or small, or be capable of believing that my opinions, decisions, or whatever are the right ones. I don't know where this all started in the 34 years I've walked this earth, but nonetheless, I easily fall into a trap of low self-worth and not feeling I amount to much when it comes to worth. The enemy knows that this is something he still can easily knock me on the floor about. I hate it but it's true. And I want to find the root of it but I can't.
Right now, I'm hurting. For some reason, I have fallen into a mentality that once again what I think or believe don't have much merit to those that mean the most to me. It's easy to speak these things to people I don't know or those out there that I know will encourage me in it, but to be vulnerable to those who's opinions mean a little too much to me, when you know there's a chance they might be in disagreement or be quick to crush your confidence, is sometimes too painful to brush off and still receive the grace that God gives.
There are scriptures after scriptures about only having confidence in Christ who dwells within us, but I can honestly say I haven't come to grips with how that plays out in my struggles. I need to know that what I have in my heart matters, that what is stirring up inside is worth hearing, or that decisions I make will be the right ones at some point. My decision-making skills lack because of all of this. I just need to know that there is still grace attached no matter what I think or do, right or wrong.
Jesus taught grace, plain and simple. And I have no doubt that he gives it to me every breath I take. I'm just still working through how to respond when grace isn't given by people here on earth. And am not sure at this point if I can handle the possibility of being given judgement throughout life in areas that I need grace the most.
I'm sure the enemy has a lot to do with where I'm at right now, but God wants to reveal something through it. I know it! I just don't have eyes to see it just yet.

Lord, open the eyes of my heart so I can see you.

The Wife's Role

2009-12-07T13:27:00.000-08:00

I feel this is a good follow-up to my letter to my husband I posted last week. God just gave me a neat picture last night of what my role as his wife is supposed to look like and used something that I love to do the most, to show me clearly.
Over the past several years, I have been given the privelege of being part of our praise team at our church as a background vocal. Worship thru music is something that my heart beats to and it really is a passion of mine. And I love singing harmonies with our worship team the most. I have never felt very comfortable singing solos which also kind of falls in line with my point I'm about to make.
All that to say, last night as I was singing back-up for our band during the evening service, I felt the Lord speak to my heart thru it. He said to me "As a wife, this is really what your role is to your husband". To be specific, I am to be in harmony with my "lead man", my husband, but in a way of support, not a way being out in lead with him. We can hold hands together in our journey, but I am still to let him be the lead. The word says that we are to come up under them, to lift them up and support our husbands, so that they can fulfill their role as the leader of our families.

On the contrary, what does it look like when I am not in harmony with him? It's like "the fat lady singing" behind a lead singer, trying to be in charge where it has not been given, or sounding like a clanging symbol where it is not to be played. This, as we know will only throw off the band leader, and the same goes with our husbands. We play a important role to give our husband an environment where they can feel confident and able to lead out as God has called them. If we try to beat to our own drum, or be in charge where charge isn't given, it then throws him off, along with the rest of the "band" (or family).

We are simply to follow their lead and find a harmony that works with what they are doing, and that applies even if we don't always agree with what they are doing. And in both cases, thru music and thru our marriages, if we can find harmony, we are worshipping our Creator wholeheartedly as one and able to move forward together into His perfect plan.

In reality, I know like probably most women will say, I have fallen so short of this time and time again. This can easily make you feel like it's a standard you can't meet. But the truth is, it's a heart issue. What is your heart beating with today? Is it trying to beat to it's own drum or is it in line with the position God has put us in. This is not a way to make anyone out there feel inadequate or less than me or anyone else. It is just simply a picture of God's purpose in a marriage, something worth praying about and allowing the Lord to work out any "wrong notes" that we may be "singing" as we are living out our marriages.

A Letter to My Husband

2009-12-02T09:08:00.000-08:00

To the love of my life,
I know I have not always been the affirmer that you need me to be or the support in ways I should be, but that doesn't mean there isn't a day that goes by that I don't love you more than the day before. I don't know why I can't show it the way I want. But God is working on me about that. But the truth is, my love for you has truly grown in leaps and bounds because of who you are and who you've become through your love for Christ. And I know God isn't finished with us yet in our life together as one flesh and followers of Him.
You have grown into the Godly husband that I began to pray for several years ago more than I could imagine. You have a passion for Christ in a way that I never dreamed possible. And because of that, my passion for Him has grown as well. I am the woman I am today because of your willingness to stick it out and stand by me no matter how difficult I am or what the sacrifice.
We may have our ups and downs, and we will always have hurdles and obstacles that want to get in the way of the growth that Christ is accomplishing in our marriage and relationship with Him but I think those things are exactly what are molding us into more of His likeness. I know I have failed you when it comes to the unconditional love that you've needed from me, but yet you still have loved me despite that, and have never given up. And for that, I am forever greatful. It truly humbles me. I know that the Lord has put us together to sharpen and strengthen each other. You were born to be my husband and my children's daddy. God knew what He was doing when He made you. And His plans yet revealed for you are huge! I know it!

I am thankful to have a husband who has sacrificed dreams and desires to work at a place of pure misery, so that I can be home with my children. I am thankful that you see something in me that most of the time I can't see myself. I am thankful that you always have words of wisdom and encouragement to give when I need it. You are an awesome daddy who's children cherish their every moment with you. Your love for us is evident in your words, your actions, and once again, your sacrifice that you give every day in a workplace that makes you miserable. Not every man is willing to succumb to that for his family. But you have been willing and I am so thankful. This is just the tip of the iceburg when it comes to the love I have for you. But I hope it will give you a little sunshine today to know that I have your back no matter what, and I hope and pray that God will continue to grow me into the wife that I should be for you.

And my prayer for you today is:
Lord, reveal your love for my husband today and every day in a way that he can grasp how intimately involved You are in his life. You love him so much and I pray that he sees You in every part of his life, even the miserable parts, like at work. We don't know what our future holds, but you do, and it is part of your perfect plan. Remind him that You have not left him nor forsaken him. For you are there with him. May you bring him favor and blessing even at work, give him a heart for the lost around him, give him a larger love for You and others that would ultimately bring his joy back into his heart. Show him his purpose there. And may this Christmas season be the best one yet for Tim and for our family. You are enough, Jesus! You are enough! Thank you for blessing my life with a man after your own heart. He is your son and your friend and he is my best friend. And I look forward to walking the rest of our journey along side each other and with You. I wouldn't have it any other way. In the powerful name of Jesus, Amen!

Living Loved

2009-11-30T08:37:00.001-08:00

I have been reading this book on and off for a while. It's the one pictured to the right. I have picked it up on and off over the past few months. And I will probably be reading it over and over for months to come because of the truths that are saturated in this book. It is a must read for anyone. He is simply talking about how to live loved. And he describes how Jesus did that just that throughout the New Testament. It is beautiful and has left me once again, undone. I have picked it up this week after it sat on the shelf for a month or so and it has really helped settle some of the things I was struggling with last week. So I find this to be a good follow-up to all my ranting and raving last week. God is so faithful when we ask for Him to cut through the fog that keeps us from experiencing His presence. Last week, I was in a fog and felt confused, but the fog is lifting, "Praise Jesus!" And I'm thanking God for all the encouragement from you who have read and responded to my blog posts this past week. God has had His fingerprints all over your words of truth and encouragement.

So moving along, here's a section from this book out of a chapter called "Trying to Earn Points with Someone Who is No Longer Keeping Score". This has really just penetrated my heart and I pray that as you take it in, let it begin to take root into your every day life. This is His heart's desire for us and it is my heart's desire for my life to reflect His glory and grace in our lives:

Freedom to grow in him comes when you recognize that his love for you isn't affected by your actions.

Grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us more...and there is nothing we can do to make God love us less. God already loves us as much as an infinite God can possibly love. Our only choice is whether or not to LIVE loved, trusting that his eye is on us and that he can work out in us everything he desires.

That is the challenge of life in God's kingdom. He has done everything to demonstrate his irrefutable love, but he will not make us live there. We can still live less loved, pursuing our own agenda with our own resources and in the process not only destroying ourselves, but hurting others as well.

The choice is yours, and it can't be made once for a lifetime. This choice is made EVERY DAY in every circumstance in which you find yourself.

So back to my own words, here's another concept that I am trying to grasp. Have you ever considered that even the worst circumstances have actually come through His love and grace? In order to have the heart of Jesus, we are to be given the opportunity to respond as Jesus did, even in the worst circumstances. When Jesus was breathing His last breath on the cross, His last words were, "Father, in your hands I commit my spirit". Even in the greatest agony and pain of the cross, He still trusted His Father's love for Him and completely gave Himself over into His Father's hands. And that trust came out of His relationship with His Daddy. What a beautiful picture of relationship.

And to think God wants us to have that kind of relationship with Him too. Amazing!

Rising Hope...

2009-11-24T06:35:00.000-08:00

Things are a little better but still have some confusion and aimlessness that has not completely gone away. When I try to pray, my thoughts seem disjointed and like my words don't makes sense to me, but I have to trust that God still knows what I'm trying to say. He knows my heart better than I. I'm thankful someone does for sure...especially Him.

Last night, I had a great heart-to-heart with my husband. We seem to be going through similar frustrations and confusions and I don't find it coincidental now that I know it is happening simultaniously between the both of us. So my conclusion is, our home as a whole is under attack. That's the only conclusion I can come to. But it's not the kind of attack that is obvious to identify...like a job loss, or a death in the family, or a sin issue that has surfaced again, or someone doing wrong to us. It's a subtle, almost unidentifiable thing, which is almost more frustrating. I think the enemy is trying to attack our character and make us doubt that who God says we are in Him is actually true, which makes us doubt God too.

A few weeks ago, Tim and I were challenged and felt very convicted in some things in our lives that we felt we need pray over. Just some different approaches on how we are to do things, what we are to do about them, and what our purpose is in them. What needs to go or what needs to change, so we can be wholeheartedly in the center of God's will? We were in one accord about what we need to pray about. It seemed clear of what God wanted our focus to be in our prayers for our family. So I don't find it just coincidence that the enemy is trying to distract us from what seemed so clear to us a few weeks ago. Now it seems like a distant memory and there's a sense of "maybe we just aren't cut out to do what He wants" in my mind. And the enemy knows as long as we entertain that thought, we are sure to stay bound up and in a fog, only to remain outside of God's perfect plan. I have to remind myself too. God doesn't walk away from us. We are always the ones walking away if we so choose.

One more thing I want to add. As my husband and I were talking last night, something came out of my mouth that I hadn't really thought of before and it really has penetrated in me since last night. I believe God spoke it through me because it came out of nowhere and my husband even took pause when I said it.

I basically said that if we are this miserable when we feel God has distanced himself from us, doesn't that say a lot about how strong our bond is with Him? What a great gauge for us to know where our relationship with God is. That gave me hope really right where I needed it. I need to know the bond is still in tact, even if I feel otherwise. Because on the contrary, if I didn't really give a second thought to feeling a distance from God in my life, that should say I obviously haven't have enough fellowship with Him to notice the difference.

I think I feel some hope rising...

Brutal Honesty

2009-11-22T08:19:00.000-08:00

I am feeling discouraged right now. I feel everything that I touch here at home just falls apart before me. I'm very ADD (literally)and it shows in every area of my life it seems. I'm unorganized, my kids are walking tornadoes, it makes me irritable and cranky, my mind is exhausted from it all, my flesh feels very strong all the time, and the things I want to do I don't, and the things I don't want to do, I do. I can't respond to conflict or affliction the way I'd like. I pray, pray, and pray more about the things that are heavy on me. I want to yield it all to the Lord but I still very much get in the way. I am very selfish with my time and am very weary at home and my husband and kids are suffering because of it. Yeah, I can choose to not be, but will that really be the answer? Really? Because I'm still ultimately selfish and weary.

There's desires I've had for a long time that are not being met still. I give them over, take them back, give them over, take them back. I don't want them anymore but something in me just can't let go no matter how hard I try. It's eating me up. I acknowledge that the enemy is coming at me, that I live in the flesh still and this is all pride talking...bleah, bleah, bleah. But where is the POWER that God promises? I want to carry that power with me and I just don't see it anymore!!
People talk to me all the time about the encouragement I give them, and I'm so glad to know that God is using me somewhere, but I still feel that when it comes to my home envirnment, I am falling oh so short! I don't want to hinder my children from growing in God's love because of my mistakes, or my flesh that wants to come out at any opportunity. I am always walking around with too much burden around here, and it's wearing me down minute by minute. I'm not experiencing the joy still that the Lord promises. I guess I've forgotten how to live that in this part of my life. It used to be there. Where did it go??? All I wanted to be was a wife and mommy when I was young. And God blessed me with an amazing husband and 3 beautiful girls. So what has happened?

I have friends who are hurting so bad right now through the worst circumstances anyone can ever go through. There's people I love dearly who are going through health issues that I can't fix nor make them fix. My children have a very large lack of respect for me right now and though they love on me and want me to love on them, they completely don't respect my authority or the boundaries we try to set before them. How long will I be beating my head against a wall in the areas that I want to experience victory in or where I want my kids to have victory? Will I have to always sit back and watch others want to experience victory where there isn't, even when I pray fervently for it?

That song "How long will you forget, Oh Lord", by Michael Card keeps coming in my head by the way.

So moving on, another thing is, Tim and I have felt convicted about wanting to love others as ourselves more, to go out to the world and be Jesus in skin to others, to shine Jesus light to those in the darkness, whether its family, friends, neighbors, or strangers. Well, the truth is, I am scared to death still about sharing Christ with the lost, with developing new relationships that I feel I don't have time for. I am overwhelmed already at the things set before me in my own home. Yes, once again, these are all things the enemy wants for me to continue to feel or believe so I won't be effective "out there". And yes, they are lies, but they are so real and feel so true in my life right now. The real Truth seems so hard to grasp. Like I hold it for a second, then it slips right through my fingers. Why is it so much easier to believe lies than Truth? Why?

Hope is still a word that I grapple with. The Word says hope never disappoints. Well, I wish I could believe that truthfully. Hope seems to always be paired with expectation to me, and I can't seem to separate the two. And if I am to put my hope in the Lord and nothing else, what does that mean? What am I hoping about Him? He has already accomplished everything, right?

Like I said, I'm being brutally honest about the things that go through my mind these days. These are the questions that pop up as I read Truth, or try to believe it. I'm tired of kidding myself and others about the things that still entrap me. And I'm tired of feeling entrapped by them. I've had glimpses and real experiences of freedoms in my life, but why don't they remain? I need to find where the Bible talks about that exactly. I'm sure it's there, but if anyone has some places to guide me, let me know. I need help there.

I just read the "faith" chapter in Hebrews, where it talks about all those who walked out on faith and were counted as righteousness because of it, but then at the end, it says they never actually saw the promises that God spoke to them or us about. What?? I know we are still living out some of the promises God has spoken of back then, but honestly, my reaction to that wasn't that great. I know we are a microwave society that wants instant results, so maybe that's just my impatience is coming out as unbelief. But that's just what stirs up. One more thing I grapple with!

For anyone reading this, please lift me up in prayer if you will. I need my brothers and sisters in Christ to rise up and battle with me. I don't want to give up, but part of me has nothing in me left. But maybe that's right where God want me right now. I don't know. Just please pray for me.

"You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry..." Psalm 10:17

Your Own Understanding

2009-11-18T13:24:00.000-08:00

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." Psalm 3:5

A verse we have all heard many times. I read it yesterday for the thousandth time as I was going through a review study of "Lies Women Believe". I finally stopped at "your own understanding" and decided to ask the Lord to reveal MY own understanding so that I can begin to remove more obstacles that are preventing me from trusting Him. Because according to that verse, our understanding will get us nowhere. So...um....ouch....yeah, He answered me. I pulled out my journal and started writing down what "my own understanding" really means...LIES. And the ones God revealed to me are those really suttle thoughts that quickly come right after you read a truth, hear a truth, or even are talking to someone or even God about truths you are trying to believe. I have been beating my head against a wall lately about why it is I still am not living life the way God intends. Why I'm still falling short. Why I still am not acting out what I say I want to, what I tell others they should believe or receive.
The sermon we had at church Sunday was all about hearing God speak to us and to not just be hearers of what He says, but to let Him do through us what He says He wants to do. To let him reveal His love to us the way He wants. God's word is true in every aspect of my life...so the Bible says. But why I am not living as if it's true? Well, I finally have realized that I'm still believing those suttle thoughts that the enemy wants me to think aren't there, the ones I just brush off. That I really just "subconsciously" think but don't realize I'm actually believing them based on my response. Um, yeah, those suttle thoughts are actually my biggest hurdles, even mountains that are getting in my way.

So here's some examples of what I wrote down that God revealed:

1. If I say, "God, speak to me today about what your will is in this situation, or what it will take for me to follow you with all my heart", that little voice says "You can't handle what God is going to tell you. You'll fail at it. It'll just be too hard". And most of the time, I agree, and stop listening to God!

2. If I start thinking about calling a friend in need, or reaching out to some lost neighbors or friends, that voice says "what if you scare them away, or what if you say the wrong thing, mess up the relationship or even mess up a relationship before it's even started". Makes sense to me, so I agree...ouch!

3. When I want to start discipling my kids or sharing God with them more, that voice says "do you really think they'll listen? What if they think you aren't making any sense? It might just be a waste of time. Maybe they just aren't ready to hear yet." I say yeah, probably....then I cave.

So you get the picture. But what if I turned the tables and answered back to the lies:

1. "Will my kids really listen to me? Will the really understand anything I'm teaching them? What if it is a waste of time"

Answer back: Jesus said "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven". Matt. 19:14
See all the "me's" in the doubt? It's actually true that if I depend on my own abilities, yeah, I'll mess up and they probably won't listen. But if I can draw in His power and let Him penetrate their hearts, that's when the receiving happens.

2. "What if that neighbor or friend rejects me? What if I mess up the relationship by trying to bring Jesus into it?" Ouch!!
Answer back: Since when did Jesus mess up friendships? I may mess it up, but He won't if I let Him speak through me.

3. "What if what God tells says to me is too hard to hear or I fail?"

And this one takes us back to my first point of Truth:

"Trust the Lord with all our heart and lean not on your own understanding".

Now to just believe it and live it!

The Un-doing

2009-11-06T18:49:00.000-08:00

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12:9-11

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

As many people do, I have been guilty for a large portion of my life of falling into the trap of self-pity and condemnation over not measuring up to some standard I give myself when it comes to my responsiblities of life...mainly as a wife and mom. I beat myself up daily to the point of near self-destruction sometimes. And lately, it seems my weaknesses have become more and more prevalent. Like glaring in my face...all the time! It's ugly and I feel I am fighting a fierce battle that has come against me in this area. Fierce! But here's the deal! I'm DONE! Done fighting in my flesh, done striving! Done thinking I can figure it all out! Done trying harder! But did I say I'm done fighting? No! But I'm not fighting alone. I'm letting God in to fight for me!

The verses above has been my life-source the past few weeks. And there have been some small victories already over my own fleshly responses due to applying these verses to those lowest, weakest moments. For an example, when I have clearly messed up in how I talk to my kids, my husband, or lacked faith once again over our finances, and when the word "failure" wants to haunt me and enter my mind over and over, I answer back "His grace is sufficient". "Because of Christ in me, when I am weak, then I am strong" ."For His power is made perfect in my weakness". That is such a quandry to many of us. How is that true? How does that work? The way we become stronger, is recognizing our weaknesses, then yielding our weaknesses to Him...and I mean all of them. What prevents us from doing that? Our friend Pride. Who likes to admit that they can't do something on their own. Who? To hand them over minute by minute, day by day, until His power has become a reality in our lives is not an easy task, but the Word says it is necessary to find that abundant life He has promised.

I have felt the Lord impressing on me to literally let some things that I have tried to be in control of fall apart, so that I can see clearly where I have no power in my own strength. Then I can clearly give Christ the power where power is due when those things come back into order. Because I know it isn't me doing it. It's been tough. As the devil tries to throw the failure card at me over and over. I mean, it is true that apart from Him I can do nothing. But praise God that I don't have to depend on myself to do anything. PRAISE GOD!!

But where I come in is where I WILLINGLY AND HUMBLY let Christ be in control of me in every aspect of my life. Not just during my quiet time, or when I send a prayer up here and there. Or when things are going great around me. But in EVERY moment of my day. Talking with Him all the time, fellowshipping with Him as I do dishes, or cook dinner...yielding to His instruction or guidance when I am about to lose my temper with my kids or have a bad thought that will take me on a slippery slope. My flesh wants to control me in all of these things and we know where that leads. Romans 7:714-25 explains it all. But He didn't die on the cross so I can stay there, Amen?
So it's time to let the cross and it's power take over in everything. Everything! When He said apart from me, we can do nothing, He meant it! I think we'd be amazed at what He can do through us if we just give Him the reins and let His power rest on us the way He intended it. I'm sure I'm in for a long road ahead with this un-doing, but I can't wait to see what God can do if I'd just get my flesh out of the way and let Him take over 100%.

Lord, I pray for your consuming fire to burn away all the fleshly passions and desires that have run my life. Your love is enough for me! You are enough for all of me! May the life I live reflect who You are, and who You say I am in Christ!

When Our Children are Our Teachers

2009-10-25T18:50:00.000-07:00

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthian 13:1-8

God has been pounding this into me for a few months now and using my children to do it. As you know, he's been showing me His heart is toward His children, including myself. I believe that our children are not just brought to us to fill a desire to be a parent one day, or just so we can potentially raise more disciples, or to experience those sweet joys that children bring. Those are valid reasons, but not all of them. They are also brought to us so that we can hopefully come to grips at the magnitude of God's love for us personally.

One of my children has lately been my biggest parenting challenge as she is my most strong-willed and independent of the three. I think she really believes that her way is always the right way, and that her mommy has really lost her mind when it comes to asking things of her. When she knows she's in trouble, she runs away, and isn't really open to instruction or correction yet. It seems to just bounce right off of her. When she is being asked to do something, she always gives her opinion of what she wants to do instead or how she thinks she should do it. When it's my idea to ask for a hug or kiss, only half the time she responds to it well. And sadly, she's even said some things lately that indicate that she doesn't feel very loved all the time. It really is heartbreaking when it comes down to it. And I take full responsibility for the lack of love that she can receive or the false conceptions she has of my love for her. I am human and have obviously made many mistakes as a parent, and am already facing the consequences for it through having a child who doesn't completely trust my love toward her at the age of 4.

So here's the kicker....aren't we that same way as God's children though? Why do we disobey Him, run from Him, doubt His love for us, not want to spend daily time with him, etc.? Those things are a bi-product of us just simply not trusting His heart toward us...or receiving His love for us the way He is trying to give it out freely. Yet the difference between Him and me is, His love is perfect! It knows no bounds, it is always there waiting to scoop us up into the safety of His arms, to drive out fear, to drive out shame, to drive out the things that keep us bound within ourselves. It brings rest in our hearts, a safe place for us to go, boldness in our confessions and repentance, therefore it brings us freedom from ourselves...and directly into the Christ-filled life that He promises, and we can't help but pour it out into others because we are overflowing with it...but only if we receive all of Him into all of us. All!

My love for my children is actually very limited because I live in the flesh still. We as human flesh are pretty conditional lovers. But I actually had a glimpse recently of what happens when I was able to receive God's love fully, and it was amazing! I was able to pour out endless grace to my children, love them unconditionally, discipline with love, not a hint of anger came out, I put my own selfishness and hurts aside, and was able shower love to my kids from the depths of my heart. They were spotless in my eyes...and that is exactly how God sees us always. But when I'm allowing guilt, fear, shame and condemnation come upon myself, that is what comes out to others, mainly my husband and kids. I start doing things that make them feel the same way. So how do I stop it before it starts? Receive God's love for me fully.

So when it all comes down to it, what we are receiving from the Father, is ultimately gonna come out to those around us. What is coming out of you? God's love...or the opposite of!

Words to Chew On

2009-10-12T08:38:00.000-07:00

These are some exerpts from some of Beth Moore's books/studies that are compiled in a little min-book of mine. Thought I'd put some out there that leaped out at me and I believe are worth chewing on.

--Please beware! A head full of biblical knowledge without a heart passionately in love with Christ is terribly dangerous, a stronghold waiting to happen. The head is full, but the heart and soul are unsatisfied. Satan knows that we all long for passion. If we are not given to godly passion, we will be tempted by counterfeits.

--A powerful motivation for believing God in our present is intentionally remembering how He's worked in our past.

--If in our pursuit of knowledge, God seems to have gotten smaller, we have been deceived.

--The key to answered prayer is sharing the mind of Christ over any given matter through His words actively abiding in us.

--Part of Satan's ploy is to make his victims "feel" addicted and powerless.

--Believers are only powerless in their own strength, yet God has promised to provide a way of escape for every temptation.

--God's Word is our Sword of the Spirit, but we have to learn to use it if we are to be a powerful force for the kingdom and against the darkness.

--People with a genuine heart for God cannot remain in a practice of sin. At some point they will cry out in total desperation for deliverance. For those who have walked closely with God, the desire for a return to His intimate favor finally exceeds the lure of the seducer.

"Lord, many or the woes of the wicked, but your unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in You." Ps. 32:10

"The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid? Ps. 27:1

"They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor" Isaiah 61:3

"The LORD will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11

What Do We REALLY Want?

2009-10-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

The past week has been an on and off week. There seems to be a little more of a battle going on within me than there has been in a month or so. Right now, there's a lot of just willing and choosing going on when my heart doesn't feel into keeping the fellowship with the Lord each day. I've found though that I shouldn't ignore my feelings though as they do help identify that there is something off and I need to go to the Father and ask Him to reveal that to me. He knows me more than I do in every moment I take a breath and there is nothing to hide or be afraid of...in fact, quite the contrary. I should find rest in Him alone when nothing else gives me rest. He is my Refuge, my Comfort. Even when my heart isn't where it should be, He is there waiting to welcome me back with open arms.
I came out of an incredible time of prayer and worship Monday night with my prayer "sisters" that felt like it should have kept me filled for days. Yet, the next day, there was a sudden emptiness that didn't make a lot of sense. How could I be so filled then so empty so fast. I really haven't figured out where the "filling" went. I could throw it out there as the enemy, the flesh, anything that is NOT God trying to hinder the flow of the Spirit in me. And there is Truth in that. I've felt a sense of apathy about some things that have come out of nowhere too. But at the crux of all of this, I've been hearing this voice in my mind and heart asking me over and over, "What is it you want today Bethany?" It's a still small voice that I know is from the Lord. Because it really gives me pause about what my prayers have been to Him. "Lord, I pray for a financial miracle". "Lord, keep my marriage moving in the right direction". "Lord, give me the right heart toward my children". And they are good things to ask if they are asked with the right motive, which begs the question, "If these things are not answered when and how I want them answered, would I be content with the unbroken fellowship that the Father desires more than anything with me." If these things weren't falling in line with my prayers, yet my relationsip with my Father was growing in leaps and bounds, would He be enough to sustain my heart even in disappointment?
Mainly, it's the finances right now that come to mind when that question enters my mind. Because I feel He is answering the other prayers in leaps and bounds. My parenting approach is changing, not without some slip-ups of course, but all in all my heart is changing toward my children just as I have asked. And it's great! My marriage is better than it's ever been. My husband and I are both growing in the same direction with the Lord and it's exciting. But if he decides to hold back on the financial blessings that we are asking for, but in that holding back, we in the end stay closer to the Father because of it, can we stay content with that? And truthfully, at this point, I probably am not discontent enough when I feel a distance from Him. I do feel lost and know I need to spend that time with him, but it usually takes a point of desperacy finally to make me run back into His arms.
Now on the other hand, at this point, if I were to have to choose between a huge bonus check in the bank or unbroken fellowship with my Father, my heart wants to choose the latter. And that is not said because it's a church answer. And I used to not be able to say that in all honesty. I truly am starting to believe that God is enough. Now He may test me with other things in my life besides money that will ultimately make me doubt, be afraid, get mad, and have some fits I'm sure of it because we still live in the flesh that likes to rear it's ugly head. But I love that I am at this place where I know deep down in my heart that the sweet love, peace, rest and joy that comes from living in His presence is something money or earthy goods will never bring. So I am changing my prayers to "My soul finds rest in you alone, God. For my salvation comes from you". "As the deer pants for streams of water, my soul pants for you God." Will I still ask for a financial miracle, sure, because that is a faith prayer knowing He can do it and I don't think He wants us to stop asking for miracles? But if it comes in the place of what God is accomplishing in our relationship with Him, than no thanks! He can hold off if that is what it takes.
This is that surrender and reckless abandon that God wants us to get to so that we can finally know through experience, growth, and wisdom that He is our true, deep desire. He has always been our desire. It's just that a large percentage of the population just doesn't realize that. They are filling it with everything else they can find. And if He so chooses to bless us with earthly goods, wonderful, but we are to understand that He will give and He will take away, only so we can find Him again...and have unbroken fellowship with the Father once and for all.

When God is Just Showing Off...

2009-09-29T07:00:00.000-07:00

So I'm gonna turn the page here for a day and share a neat story that happened just yesterday. It has to do with a Kitchen-Aid Stand Mixer...yes you read right....a stand mixer. I have to admit over the past week there have been a lot of times where I have been having a bit of a pity party over myself due to the fact that my birthday is around the corner, not to mention all the fun holiday activities coming up over the next few months and with us in a financial crisis right now, we are having to give up a lot of "extras" which is making the upcoming season feel a bit daunting, having to accept that I will have to give up a lot of things I really want. Well, I have approached my birthday with a bit of melancholy thrown in knowing that we really don't have a lot of money to do a lot, nor would we have money for Tim to get me anything. I know it sounds selfish but hey I'm human and who doesn't want to be spoiled on their birthday when it comes down to it :).
Well, little did I know that God has had something up his sleeve all along only to show that he really does care about the little things in life that matter to us...and wants to bring us joy and happiness....even on our birthdays. I guess when you think of it, what "father" wouldn't want that for their daughter.
Well, in light of that, Tim with his wonderful gift-giving heart arranged to pull money together from my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law and ventured out last night to get me something that I've been wanting for over a decade....you guessed it....a Kitchen Aid Stand mixer, especially since now I'm thinking about getting into cake decorating.
Well, on his way out last night, he prayed that God would show His love and favor and help Tim find the best deal possible on a mixer so that he wouldn't have to shell out a lot of money himself because he knew how apprehensive I was about Tim spending any money on me right now. And lo and behold, God came through big-time. Tim went to 3 stores to find the best deal and at the 3rd store, there it was....a Kitchen Aide mixer for half the price Tim originally found it for...and he only had to shell $30 out of pocket himself with the money the others had given him to buy it for me...and most of you know how expensive those things are. We can't even afford something like this and God made a way anyways. Tim came home beaming and couldn't wait to tell me the story of a direct answer to his prayers...nor obviously could he wait to give me my gift on my birthday since I now already have it. So yes, I have my birthday gift that I've always wanted, and with no stress about the cost....God is sooo good...he really does care about the little gifts that bring us joy too...especially when He gets the glory for it...and He gets to watch His children's beaming faces when they open it. Now that is a testimony of the love of our Father.

And thank you my sweet husband, my awesome sis-in-law, my amazing mother-in-law, and of course God for blessing me with one of the best birthday presents ever. I can't wait to bake my first thing with it!! And just in time for the holiday season!! woohoo!!

Oh How He Loves

2009-09-24T07:35:00.001-07:00

The song below really sums up what God is showing me in every aspect of my life these days. I've always said I knew God loved me but this past week I've realized that I never really understood completely what that looked like in my day-to-day life. He isn't out to punish me or call me on every thing I do wrong as I've thought for a very long time. I've realized now that His love doesn't work that way!
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18.
Punishment would make me fear him, not love him. So why would he want to punish me? He is love for goodness and His perfect love will drive out fear, not cause it.

On the contrary, the story of the prodigal son paints a perfect picture of God's heart toward us. Before the son even finished his sentence to his father when he returned to him, his father was already celebrating his return, not even wanting an opology but just happy to have his son. He knew what his son did but still just wanted the relationship and to show his love for him and nothing else.

Being "good", calling on God's name, confessing sin, or even worshipping Him will never make Him love me more than He already does, and sinning or doing the wrong thing will never make Him love me less. His love is perfect, matchless, and unchangeable...it is enough for me! And the only thing I am to "do" is receive it, live in it, and let Him do what He does best, loves!! And I can never do anything to earn it because it is already fully accomplished through His son Jesus. Jesus paid my price for me...so that I can live freely in God's love every minute of every day...no matter what I do or don't do! It is done! and I am undone by the awe of Him and His love for me!

How many of you have ever been undone by the truth of God's love for you? Or have you not really wanted to receive His love because you were scared of what it looked like? Ask the Lord to reveal what is holding you back from receiving His love the way He wants us to. Usually it's fear, shame, or a lie about God's character, or what His love even looks like...or a lie about how He sees you. His love is perfect and brings freedom, not fear or shame! The words to this song say it all!! May God's love become truth to you today...and every day.

Oh How He Loves:

He is jealous for me

Love's like a hurricane,

I am a tree Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory

and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.

Chorus:

Oh, how He loves us so

Oh, how He loves us

How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us

Woah, how He loves us

Woah, how He loves us

Woah, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

If grace is an ocean we're all sinking

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss

and my heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don't have time to maintain these regrets

when I think about the way

That he loves us,

Woah, how He loves us

Woah, how He loves us

Woah, how He loves He loves us,

Woah, how He loves us

Woah, how He loves us

Woah, how He loves

A New Perspective on Scripture

2009-09-13T08:53:00.000-07:00

I just had to put a little 'aha' moment on here that I had a few days back. It might be kind of a "duh" thing for some of you but I think many of us in our Christian walk have been in a trap of reading scripture with the wrong intent or thinking that it is there for us to see our sin and our shortcomings and to give us all the do's and don't's of life...only to make us miss what God is trying to reveal through it.
I have been reading a book that my husband recommended to me which is awesome and in it, the whole point of the book is to reveal the character of Jesus and also the unchangeable, unfathomable love of God toward us and how to get out of the trap of trying to earn his love. It portrays Jesus in a way that I haven't even seen before and it's been beautiful.
Well, as I've been reading through the passages the past few days, I have started focusing in on how God's word is revealing who He is, not who I need to be, because praise God through Christ I already am victorious, Amen?!? The Bible is all about our relationship with Him!! Nothing else! We are merely required to receive nothing less than His love for us and to have to do nothing more than accept that it has been accomplished through Jesus Christ. It is not a book that is supposed to give us a bunch of do's and don't's of life. It is a book to help us know our Abba, our Father, our Creator of Heaven and earth and to learn why we are meant to love Him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. After all the whole reason He created us is for His enjoyment. He wants a relationship with us. And it is only through that relationship is when the doing starts. Yes, obedience brings blessing, but when we obey with the wrong motive, it does not reap the reward God intends. We are not to try to earn His love one more second, just receive, and then the "doing" will outflow from that...and I believe that is when God is going to do immeasurable more than we can ask or seek.
So as I read through scripture now, I will be zero-ing in on the character of God through it and underlining, writing down anything that describes my Abba, my First Love so that I can once and for all get to know Him the way He wants me to.
This is not a new lesson to some I know, nor is it to me, but I think if we implement it, it will change everything we stand for, hope for, and dream for in our walk with Christ.

Calling Out to the Deep

2009-09-08T12:05:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna be even more personal today. I don't want to sound like what I am going through right now is something that I am alone in and that no one can relate to. Because I know this is a very wide-spread issue with many right now. I've heard it first hand from many. It is the issue of God's provision thru our finances. It's been a doozy for me lately and my sweet and long-suffering husband has been having to take the brunt of it from me which I hope he knows that I am so very sorry about. That is something I never want to add to his shoulders. But we are persevering and knowing that God has a purpose in all of this, even if right now we aren't feeling a lot of relief from this financial strife.
All that to say, I have been continuing my reading each day and have had to pause and stay with a few passages over the weekend that put me a day behind, which I'm just taking as God keeping me at His pace with me and not me trying to stick with a rigid schedule. No rules! Just relationship! I'm doing this simply to hear from God, listen to His instruction, and develop my relationship with Him. And I encourage those who are reading along with me to go at the pace God wants you to go. That is where you know it is a heart-driven journey with Him.
In Proverbs 1:32, it says "...whoever listens to Me will dwell secure and will be at ease; without dread of disaster."
I had a rough day Sunday fearing our finances again, knowing we had more bills than money in the bank. I didn't even know if we'd be able to buy groceries this week. It's a bit of a tense subject for Tim and I right now. But after talking it through on Sunday, we just decided to stop trying to figure it all out since it was bringing more strife, and to still our hearts, pray, and ask God to direct us through this. Questions I always am asking are, do I need to go back to work? Do we need to do more in cutting down on bills where we can, even if it's a little? What next, Lord? It's just hard to know what the right answers are in those moments when fear and doubt set in and have you confused. And I pretty much every morning wake up with this very think on my mind and the enemy tries to throw me off before my day even starts by bringing worrysome thoughts to me. But I'm learning how to combat it thank goodness. And I honestly don't have clear answers at this moment even about what our next step is, but I have to trust that God knows the end from the beginning and that since He is not worried, that I shouldn't be worried either. The Lord is still here, and very much speaking to me about waiting on Him and trusting Him, and I believe if anything that He is saying, "Stop trying to fix it all. I've got it under control."
Here are some verses that stuck out to me the last few days that confirm this is what He is saying:

Psalm 4:8 - In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for You, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Psalm 5:3 - In the morning You hear my voice, O Lord; in the morning I prepare a prayer for You and watch and wait for You to speak.

I love that our pastor preached on Luke 5 Sunday, which happens to be in my Bible reading today. Jesus shows up to who will be his first disciples soon after, and teaches them on their boat, He then asks them go out into the deep to catch their fish. They had been fishing all night and had caught nothing but had stayed in the more shallow end. So they did what He said and went out deeper, and soon after their nets were breaking from the overflow of fish that they were catching. It was then that they were humbled and felt very underserving to the point of repentance. But Jesus said that soon they wll be fishers of men. How many of us feel underserving of what God does for us, only for Him to turn around and use us to bless someone else. What amazes me in this story is, that after Jesus told them what he told them, they laid down everything they just caught and followed Him. Would we do that if he asked us to?

I'll be honest. I've been asking God what the "deep" means for Tim and I over trusting Him in our finances. What is it that we can do to show we trust Him to provide for us, even if it means discomfort to do so? The groveling certainly isn't doing us any good. I believe that our faithfessness is definitely one of the main things that is keeping God from showing Himself in the way He wants to. But at the same time, I also believe that even in our toughest circumstances that He allows, that is when He will accomplish His bigger purpose, and that is having more of us for Himself, than us giving ourselves to the things of this world (money, material things, etc). The disciples gave up everything they knew as "normal" to follow Him. And I see that happening in my own home and it hurts, but I think it will serve a much higher, eternal purpose than paying my next bill. Do we even want God to be our all in all? Tough questions but we will all have to answer Him one day. Are we in or are we not?

Days 3 & 4...cont.

2009-09-04T11:24:00.001-07:00

I spent some more time reading through these scriptures again last night and I have to say, God always comes thru when you wait on Him. He is so faithful! Here's the crazy part! The part the really grabbed me was when I read through the geneology of Christ at the end of Luke 3. Most people probably skim thru it and think it's not that exciting. But what amazes me is that He was willing to come into this world related to so many imperfect people...Rahab the prostitute is in his bloodline for goodness sakes.
I actually got a very cool refresher on Jesus and His humility and willingness to be made human (though remained sinless of course) when I read thru the geneology of all His ancestors. He came from a bloodline of very imperfect people. He chose to become like us so that we can become like Him and be made perfect. How incredible is that!! Who can match that??? No one!
And the last Word from God that came to me through all of this is that I can rest in knowing that because I am one with Christ, I have already been made perfect thru Him. I may not act perfect, or make perfect choices all the time, or think perfect thoughts, because I still live in an imperfect world in an imperfect body, but I know that I have an eternal destiny to live a perfect life with Jesus Christ when He comes back some day. Now that is something worth celebrating!

Thank you Jesus for becoming like us so that we can become like you! Show us how we can give others this hope that you have so willingly and sacrificially given to us! Thank you that you want all of us so we can become like all of you!

Day 3 & 4

2009-09-03T12:03:00.000-07:00

Well, after reading thru Luke 3 & 4, I'm still pondering it and am really having writer's block right now.
Jesus' birth and childhood, parents losing him in the temple, then finding him, Simeon's prophesy fulfilled, and then some....a lot of stories within a story in these passages. Then John the Baptist preaches, baptizes Jesus, and so on. So much to take in, it's hard to sort through it sometimes. I need to go back and read through this again some more. Still waiting for an"aha" moment but so far nothing yet. These days will happen and that's ok. A lot on my mind the last few days so that could be some of it. Just need to be still some more and soak in what God is revealing.
To be continued....

Day 2...Belief!!

2009-09-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

Believe Him, Believe Him, believe Him!

That is pretty much the sum of what God revealed to me thru Luke 1 today. What an exciting chapter of hope that He keeps His promises and He WILL DO what He says He will do! But He also revealed to me what can happen when we choose not to believe what He says.
Zechariah was approached by an angel of the Lord about the impending birth of his son, John (a.k.a John the Baptist). When the angel told him that his barren and aged wife, Elizabeth, would have a son, he questioned the angel and doubted. So the angel made him mute until his son was born and the prophesy was fulfilled. When John was born and Zechariah believed, he was able to speak again. But he couldn't share the good news as long as he doubted. How many of us have a tough time sharing something exciting that we feel God has told us because there is still something in us that is doubting. That is a direct consequence of our own unbelief.

Then enters Mary, an great example of one who believes God and His word right away. She was approached very similarly when she was told that the prophesy of Jesus about to be accomplished and that she would be the one to bear him. We've heard this story many, many times. Yet, I still am amazed and can only imagine the fear and trembling she experienced at that moment. But she didn't doubt the truth and she showed her belief immediately following her news. And she was immediately blessed.
I love this passage from the Amplified Bible of what the angel said to Mary and then how she immediately responded. And this is my verse of the day...Luke 1:37. Something I can stand chewing on for a while.

Luke 1:37 (Amp)"For with God nothing is ever impossible and no word from God shall be without power or impossible of fulfillment."

Then Mary's response astounded me:

Luke 1:38 (NIV) "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her.
Wow! Have we ever responded to God so humbly and willingly when He gives us a task that seems so beyond our ability? It's not about our ability but His ability to use us despite ourselves, and our willingness to let Him enter in fully.
Then we go on to read about her running to Elizabeth to tell her the good news and how the Holy Spirit filled Elizabeth, John leaping in her belly, etc. God blessed their belief and faith in Him. Then came "Mary's song" (Luke 1:46-55)-....a beautful account of her love for God and His promises. I can stand to meditate on that for a while. And praise God that He gave Zechariah the grace of returning his ability to speak again once he did believe which gave him the chance to declare God's faithfulness and love for all generations in Luke 1:67-79...and a son who was monumental for God's Kingdom. His grace is just as sufficient for us too.

This is hitting hard with me. I know I'm not believing everything God says to me. My actions show it, my thoughts show it. What blessings are being withheld because of unbelief? Or how am I grieving God because of it? Can we believe like Mary did? This is not to condemn but to just bring awareness that God wants to do more with us than we allow Him to.

I'm gonna end with this quote that I got off my husband's blog. Not sure if it applies directly to this but it can be in relation to it. Just has stuck with me since I read it yesterday.

God is more interested in winning all of me than in my winning all the world for him.

My New Personal Challenge...Day 1

2009-08-31T07:27:00.000-07:00

Something that I admit I have always struggled with is staying constant in God's Word every day...I know it's a heart issue and that if I desired Him more, I'd want to spend more time with Him and desire in listening to His instruction and guidance every day. Well, I have been praying about it a lot lately and I have felt the Lord really prompting me to do something that it is a bit intimidating but also will help me stay the course with Him each and every day. I kept asking him, "Are you sure this is coming from you and not something I'm trying to do to "fix" what is a heart problem?" "Can I really do this?" Well, after going back and forth about it with him, He still hasn't let it leave my mind so I am going to take that as a big, "Yes"! and trust Him with the rest.

So I am going to start a year-long challenge that involves reading His Word each and every day. Yes, a year! Yikes! But with His help and prayer, I know it is possible. I am going to go thru the New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs over the next year. I realize that this can easily fall into a "law-driven" thing and not a heart driven thing, but like I said, I am just trusting that God will take care of that as I listen to His instruction and guidance. Obedience is very much a heart issue, so if I'm willing to obey Him with a joyful heart, that in itself is a form of worship.

So here's the link with the plan that I am going to be following just in case anyone gets on here and is interested in following along. It's only chapter or two of reading a day so it looks very doable. And even if you get something out of just one verse, that's great!

http://www.heartlight.org/devotionals/reading_plans/dailylight.pdf

I have also created a bit of a way to get something more out of each passage. I learned it through a study I did last year and it helped immensely. I simply write down in my journal any verses out of that passage that stick out to me and that I want to meditate on (usually 2-3 verses). I then will pray over them, and just kind of let is soak in and see if God is telling me anything specific, then I write it down as well. Then I write the question, "How can I put this verse into action"? James says to not just be hearers of the word but doers. I know I fall short of the "doer" part and really want to change that with God's help. After all, without Him, I can do nothing. In Hebrews it says "The Word living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword." How cool if I can really experience that as a reality in my life day after day...and not just on occasion.

In addition, I am hoping to blog each day about what God is showing me. Maybe a nugget or two of a passage that stuck out to me or that I am still processing. Hopefully it will bless someone who needs to hear a word or some encouragement on any given day. I'll let God lead that. He knows who that "someone" will be. It'll also be a source of accountability for myself. We'll see how it goes. I know I may fail on days, but I realize I am not under law, but under the grace of my Lord Jesus Christ. My heart will be the driving force here and nothing else. "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

So here's my first nugget that the Lord has given me today. It's not ironic that He would plan this as my first lesson. You'll understand when you read ahead. In reading Psalm 1 and 2, I read about finding delight in the law (or instruction) of the Lord and what fruit will come of it.

"But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." Psalm 1:2-3

"Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling" Psalm 2:11

I realize I haven't delighted enough in following God's instruction and definitely don't fear the Lord enough. I pray that God will change my heart in this. Also the part that keeps coming back to me is the fruit that will come from it. After all, what do we try to teach our kids? Obedience brings blessings, and disobedience brings consequences...but we also want them to obey with a happy heart, then even more fruit will come of it. We all want to be "good" deep down and want to have some kind of purpose in life and know that we matter. My prayer today was that with God's help, I would start finding anything and everything to find delight in what God has instructed me in, and that He would start planting the seeds of His word in my heart more and more so that prosperous fruit would begin to come. I also realize this may not be an overnight change, but something that takes time, patience and waiting, but I must stay rooted in His word no matter what I see on the outside. Fruit doesn't form overnight, sometimes takes quite a while, so that is when I have to remember to stay rooted in His word, even if I'm not seeing results yet, and trust that He will not fail me in producing the fruit of His Spirit that He has promised. For His promises are true!

Thank you, Lord for Your instruction and Your unfailing love for us. And that you keep your promises! Help us to put your Word into action so we can see the fruit You long to bear in us. In Jesus Name, Amen!

The Silver Lining

2009-07-17T07:24:00.000-07:00

The past month, we've had some things come our way that have not been all sunshin-y to say the least. It's been refining us and in the midst, and the clouds have seemed quite heavy. I've allowed some of it to really steal my joy and I had become a big ball of anxiety and fear because my focus was in the wrong place. Funny how that all came about after my last post. Though I would pray and pray for God to take away my anxiety, for Him to give me joy again, etc., etc., it would never come. I kept asking if my faith was too small or if I was doing something wrong, still no answer. After a while, I was just plain frustrated and just got cranky and emotional all the time because nothing seemed to be happening. Then I started trying to fight everything on my own and it just made me feel worse.

Then my husband went to a prayer service last week and he told me about how they spoke of how God sometimes wants us to have "reaching" faith. The kind that asks us to overlook how we feel and come out of our comfort zone when we ask for His hand in something. He wants us to reach up and take hold of Him in our prayers. For instance, if we are asking about financial provision, sometimes He wants us to give Him something out of our finances as an extra measure of faith, even if it's small, rather than just ask and wait for Him to do something. Or sometimes we need to go and ask someone else to pray over us in a situation instead of trying to pray by ourselves.

So in that, God has also helped me learn "reaching" faith since. Here's my story. Hannah has had lice on and off for 3 weeks over the past month, and I have really let fear set in that we would never get rid of them. I've been trying to fight it on my own and have just gotten plain exhausted emotionally.
Finally, my husband reminded me to ask God what it is He wants to teach me through this. So I asked the Lord, "What are you trying to show me through this, Lord? I'm at the end of my rope". After that, last week, those silly bugs came back after a week of not seeing any. First I panicked again, then I began to pray, then I did a triple treatment on her head, but at the same time, I was prompted to pray over Hannah as I was treating her head, and not just pray for the lice to go away, but I was prompted to bless Hannah in my prayers and asked God to make this somehow a time of learning and growth for us, and if it is His will, to PLEASE take the lice away as well. That was also I believe a "reaching" faith.

How many times do we take a miserable situation and still use it to draw attention to God and use it for His purposes right then and there? Or do we just complain and fuss about it? I was doing plenty of the complaining and fussing and the enemy was enjoying it too much. So I turned the tables on him. And guess what, no lice since!! And as I look back, through the refining and sifting of stuff, God also showed me that lice is a lot like our sin. How many of us really want to carry sin around all the time? When it's there, if we don't sit at Jesus' feet every day, it can get out of control. When God wants to remove something from my life that doesn't belong there, He has to sit me down and make me still so He can tend to it. But I have to be willing, just like Hannah had to be willing to sit and let me look through her hair every day. She couldn't get rid of that lice on her own. She needed me to do it for her. Now am I willing to sit at the feet of my Jesus and let Him tend to me the way Hannah let me tend to her?

And to finish off, I was talking with a friend yesterday over email. And as I was typing to her when she asked how she can pray for me because she heard about all I was going through, I layed out some things, then in the end, began to start realizing all the answered prayers that God had given me over the past week aside from all the things I was dealing with. I realized there that my focus had been in the wrong place all along, and that's why I was getting so beaten down. And as soon as I started focusing on all the things God has blessed me with and the answered prayers that have come this week, I began to thank Him wholeheartedly because He was indeed answering prayers. I just wasn't noticing them in the midst of the "storm".

To name a few:

He gave us a buyer for Tim's truck last week to help with our finances

He has provided me with a way to make some money at home in the fall

He provided Becky the job this week she has been praying for

He got me through my surgery on Monday with no problems

Despite Faith's broken arm, she has been in great spirits and has had no pain.

And my friend's step-mom just found out that she is free of cancer after we've been praying for her for several months.

And that's the silver lining!!

Prayer - is it always our last resort?

2009-06-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thes. 5:16-18

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints Eph. 6:18

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:5-7

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matt. 6:33

I've come to realize lately how many times I make praying my last resort instead of my first response. It is only after trying everything else under the sun to fix a problem or get thru a situation that I finally throw my hands up and cry out to God for help and mercy. How much frustration and failure would I be avoiding if I just "prayed continually" throughout my day?Or how many times do I pray about something but don't get the answer I want or in "my' timing so I go about doing it "my" way still? We should be praying each morning when we rise that what we choose to do that day will put us in line with what God would have us do. And then continue praying throughout the day in all things.

Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I love this passage because it reminds me that I am a mere sheep and how desperately I need my Shepherd to guide me and protect me from the "slaughter". We can get ourselves in a heep of trouble if we don't stay close to our Shepherd each and every day. And that involves continual prayer and being in the Word.

In the end, His ways are much higher than ours and His wisdom is always perfect. If I go along life trying to do it all myself, I will most definitely screw everything up, keep myself unprotected, and ultimately have a disaster on my hands. But praise God, by His Spirit, I can pray in accordance to His will if I choose to seek Him first over all things, and walk in freedom and victory in every situation. That, I believe, is where "giving thanks in all circumstances" can be a reality...when we know we've prayed throughout our day and that we have put ourselves under the guidance and protection of our Shepherd.

The Battle Within

2009-05-29T07:15:00.000-07:00

I know a few months have passed once again. It's been tough to put into words where I'm at these days. But I had a friend last week who I haven't seen in over a year ask me how my heart is through the things I told her I've been working on day-to-day. It really forced me to think and be able to put it into terms where my heart is. So I think a good way to put it is that there seems to be a battle raging for my heart right now. And it hurts a lot. And ugly things are coming out of me because my flesh is crying out from the pain. And my flesh doesn't want to submit to the things of God. But the pain still means that things are waking up again, which is good. God is waking up passions and desires I didn't know I had.

I just finished going through the book "Waking the Dead" a few months ago and it is all about waking up your heart from the "sleep" that our day-to-day routines of life can put us it in. We can easily forget what we're put on this earth for. And sometimes it is easier to not be aware that we are in a battle, whether we like it or not. I believe God is waking me up to that reality.

It stems from the verse in Ephesians 5 that says "Wake up, oh sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you". But as we know, when light is shed on the darkness, and it wakes us up, sometimes what we see or feel doesn't feel so good (kind of like the pins and needles when when our limbs are waking up from being asleep or numb) because it's just part of the process. But we know that in the end, there is purpose in it.

There is also an enemy trying to discourage me from walking out what God is revealing. And I have to choose not to believe the lies he wants to throw at me. That's where the battle is raging the most. I am also finding myself clinging to some of these desires at times more than I am clinging to God, and am scared that God will not fulfill them if I hand them over, which in the end, makes them an idol. I have to choose. I'm having to fight so hard not to take my eyes off the One who put these desires in me. Because it is only Him that I can fully trust with them.

But in the midst, I'm praising God for the grace to be able to still enjoy where I'm at. I know it's part of the journey and I must find peace in the midst. I can still laugh, have a light heart most days and focus on the blessing He has already so freely given, and that is God's grace on me. But the reality is, there is a war in the heavenly realm that is battling for my heart, because to God, my heart is worth fighting for. That concept is so hard to grasp. I have issues like a lot of people I've known with believing that I am worth fighting for. But that is the Truth that He has spoken over me and I have to choose to believe it even if I don't feel it. He wants our hearts fully so that He can make it just like His. And it is only by the power of Jesus Christ that makes that possible. I'm excited to see where God is taking me on this journey. It's tiresome at times, but it will be well worth it in the end if I continue to keep my eyes on Him.

God's Dwelling Place

2009-03-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

For the past month or two, I have been kinda struggling with some ungreatfulness. Though Tim has a job and is bringing in income for us, things are still getting tight due to sales being so low the past several months. So we've been feeling the economic downfall to a degree.
Well, whoever is reading this, might remember a year and a half ago, when we moved into this house, how incredibly excited we were and how we thought this house was way more than anything we ever could have dreamed of hoped for. We couldn't stop talking about it for months. And don't get me wrong, I still love my house, but have been a getting really impatient about the things that we want to do in it to fix it up better to be even more pleasurable. And ever since money has started getting tighter and tighter, I started seeing more and more things I wished I could do to polish things up a bit so to speak. It needs new windows badly, there's still 3 rooms that I want to paint, we want to have hard floors in the main living areas, new patio, the list goes on.
Well, as I was focusing on these things so much, I began to almost dislike my house to a degree and had completely forgotten how much this house meant to us when we first moved in and the fact that it is still the same house and that it still has some of the wonderful qualities about it that drew us to it in the first place. It was "perfect" for us in our minds back then.

Well, the Lord as been speaking to me lately about the meaning of my name. Bethany means "dwelling place of God". And I"ve grown to love that meaning more and more as I've realized the reality that God dwells within my heart and that I am a "dwelling place of God". I was confessing to him last week about my ungratefullness toward this house and all the complaining I've been doing about all the things I wish I could do right now to fix it up more. It's definitely not a perfect house. No house is, and it needs quite a bit of work in areas. But nonetheless, it has still been very functional and has provided our needs to function as a family and then some.

I've also been having a hard time with focusing only my sin in my life lately, and how i can't get it together in the areas I know I need work on. And it's been dragging me down a lot and I have been confessing that as well.

God then spoke right to my heart. He said "Bethany, when you were created, I saw a perfect child, and saw your potential, and only saw the good in you, and to this day, that is still all that I see. When I began to dwell in your heart, I said 'Wow! Look at what I have created! This is amazing'! And that has not changed. You are being used for My purposes and are very much fulfilling the call in your life, whether you can see it or not. And I find pleasure in dwelling within your heart, for that is what I created you for."

And that my friends, is how he wants me to dwell also in my own home. When I look to see what has accomplished in this house and in our lives over the past year and a half (not material things), all I can say is "Wow! God is really at work in our lives, in this home, and this house has been nothing less than a blessing to us thus far". It may have a some flaws, but He is still blessing us in this home and will continue to do so, and will fulfill His purposes, and that is what is important. Thank you, Jesus,, for what you have done and what you will do in this home and in my heart. We have only just begun.

"In him you are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit"...Ephesians 2:22

Conquering Perfectionism

2009-02-17T20:04:00.000-08:00

So to start out, over the past month and a half or so, I have been rejoicing over some major reconstruction that God has been doing in my walk with Him. And to add to that, what has been the icing on the cake is that my husband and I have both been going through the same thing at the same time, which is learning to get to know our Jesus intimately in a way we haven't experienced before. We're taking out all the do's and don't' in life that seem to keep us tripping over ourselves in trying to accomplish something in our own strength, and just simply pursuing a love relationship with our Lord and Savior and it has been nothing less than awesome to say the least. Christ Himself is revealing so many lies that we have been believing and we are finding Truths to counteract thatm. And in the process, Tim and I have become closer to each other than ever before. We are truly best friends now and are marveling at the Lord's hand in our lives now that our eyes have been opened to it. As we are falling more in love with Jesus, we are also falling more in love with each other. So yes, all the books that say that will happen are right. And not only that, we are loving others more than ever too and wanting those around us to experience what we are experiencing, because it is the Lord's desire as well as ours.
But as this is all happening, it is also exposing things in my life personally that God is wanting to remove, and as you see in my title, perfectionism is one of them. It has rared it's ugly head in my life way too long, and it is something that I am ready to say a final farewell to. I really never even knew I was a perfectionist til quite recently. It has left me frustrated in so many levels over the course of my life. I never could put a finger on the cause of the "symptoms" I was having over this. Because my picture of perfectionism was different that mine. And the way that it has manifested itself mostly is by way of me giving up on things too quickly. I have never been consistent about much of anything in my life and now I know why. Because I want to see a finished or pleasing result all too quickly, and when I don't, I think what I'm doing isn't working, so I quit. It has manifested itself through my housekeeping, my parenting approach, my nutrition stuff, and of course my spiritual walk,and I'm sure there's a huge list of other things that I could go on about.
All that to say, God has given me a very clear solution to this and that is finding satisfaction and pleasure in the process, or even the progress, that is happening in my life. Finding joy in the journey. Rejoice in the little steps forward that I've been taking all along. When I look back on my life, it astounds me at the growth that has taken place in me because of the Lord's hand in my life, even if today or tomorrow, I won't feel like I've grown. If I stumble, I must get back up and keep moving forward. Today was a day for instance that I really felt like I had taken several steps backward, but then the Words of Truth were resonating in me that I am no longer that old person I felt I was becoming again. "I am a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come." May I stand on the truth of what God has promised me, and not on what I feel on any given day.

I came across this other passage today and it really has encouraged me:

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." 2 Peter 1:3-4

This verse really speaks what God is trying to pound into me. Through knowing Him intimately, His glory, His goodness, and His promises will be revealed and given. To think that He wants us to participate in His work and let us participate in the divine nature and let us experience what He is part of every day. Sounds like a perfect plan to me.

The Spirit-filled Life

2009-01-11T14:53:00.000-08:00

We have been challenged by Pastor Mark this week to embrace the Spirit-filled life and allow our day-to-day lives be led by the Holy Spirit. Not a new concept for me, but seems to be something that I definitely haven't gotten a handle on either. He is focusing on the addressing the family unit in the body of Christ right now and how we should build a foundation in our families that we can build a lasting Spirit-filled life on. He is going through Ephesians 5 right now and it has truly spoken volumes to me about things that I know need to change in my approach to parenting and in my marriage. Probaby the biggest thing is just what I let come out of my mouth to my children and my husband. Or how greedy I am with what I think is my time, my space, etc. The foolish talk, the empty words that can come out of my mouth to my children, which can lead to deception on their part as to who they are or what they will believe in their lives. It's just all very yucky to think about. But in Ephesians, it talks about what can happen when we allow our lives to be surrendered fully to the Spirit-filled life. and I know that it actually begins with obedience in one area, which is feeding myself with the Word daily and that has probably been one of the toughest things for me to stay constant with my whole life and therefore, I struggle keeping in step with the Spirit daily.

Ephesians says:

8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, 14for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: "Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." (5:8-14)
"Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." (5:15)
"...be filled with the Spirit. 19Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. "(5: 18-20)

To be filled with the Spirit, I must be surrendered daily to it. I must make the most of every opportunity to fill myself with the Christ and His Word. I must let go of my rights, my fleshly desires, and allow the Spirit to take over. It says in Ephesians, that when we are filled with the Spirit, we will speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual psalms. That we will be always giving thanks to God for everything. I'm thinking that sounds like a fantastic way to be.
I have been finding this week that having a thankful heart is another mind-shift that is so vital in our spirit-filled life. I have been making a conscious effort to thank God in every circumstance, every day this past week and it has made the world of difference for my soul. Joy has been returning in areas that I had been losing it. It was amazing. But now to actually have a heart that automatically gives thanks without even trying sounds even better, which is what can come from a life surrendered to the Holy Spirit.
I was convicted today after the sermon that I have not been very active in introducing my children to the Spirit-filled life like I should. Why is it that I so whole-heartedly believe in this way of living, but I don't find opportunities to share it with my children. It's probably because I haven't surrendered to it fully myself, therefore making it hard to be able to teach it. We need to practice what we preach, amen? That is something the Lord and I are working out and I believe He wants to lead us to a way of parenting that all the parenting advice books don't tell you, which is parenting under the authority of the Holy Spirit.

Truth about Relationships and Then Some

2008-12-20T20:01:00.000-08:00

Something that the Lord has been showing me over and over through my relationships this past year and by seeing other relationships encounter turmoil, division, or whatever else you want to call it is that we can not view those that have hurt us as our true enemy. We only have one true enemy and that is the Devil himself...well, and the flesh. Both of those things want us to believe lies about other people to gain ground over our thoughts and our "rights" that we think we have. I was reading in "My Utmost for His Highest" the other day and it was about how God uses circumstances to test our faithfulness to Him. We say God is in control of everything very easily when things are going well, but when things around us are falling apart that involve people, or something they have done, suddenly we believed it was caused by that person and then we can totally lose focus on who we should be focusing on. And then we start wanting to be in control of fixing the problem or taking matters into our own hands. Yes, people do things that are wrong or hurtful to others, but how are we to respond to that. Are we to continue to stake blame on them and be unforgiving and bitter toward that hurt, or are we to see it for what it is? Trust me, I've had my share of bitterness, unforgiveness, and sometimes hatred over people who have hurt me and it did nothing but made me miserable. The Truth is God still in control, even when we think we are. Either he allows or orchestrates things to happen for a higher purpose than what our angry, hurting flesh is willing to see. The enemy doesn't want us to see it that way though so he starts putting thoughts in our head about that person or those people that have hurt us, and even about God, therefore keeping our eyes off of of Who we need to have them on. Remember, God had good will toward us, and if God caused or allowed this to happen, then He did for our own good. It may not make sense right away, but we will always be able to look back and learn from it if we are willing. We have to fix our eyes on God who has either caused or allowed this to happen for a higher purpose. And the only way to come out of it in the right position, is to depend completely on the One who ordained this situation in the first place. When we feel we are in a battle with someone, we need to look beyond that person and into the spiritual realm, and see who are battle is really against. Remember, "our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powers and rulers of this dark world". If we could believe that folks, how many people would we have spared unforgiveness toward. Let's fight our battles the way God calls us to, and start rebuking the enemy and not our brothers and sisters in Christ. God is on our side and knowing that He is not just on our side individually, but on "our" side as children of God as a whole. That person may see you as their enemy too but that is just them believing the same lie you are. So that is when you need to pray for them to see things clearly as God does. Whoever it is that has hurt you, or even continues to hurt you, start going to the Throne of God on their behalf and claiming that God is for you both and Has a beautiful plan for your lives. And it also requires surrendering what we want out of that relationship and asking God to reveal what He wants. And then patiently allowing Him to accomplish it in His timing...it's tough but not impossible.
The biggest breakthrough I think Tim and I have had in our relationship recently is realizing that we are not each other's enemy. I believed too long without even realizing it that Tim was out to make my life difficult. But little did I know that he was believing the same thing about me...ha! Who was behind that? Uh..huh! The truth is we are not out to get each other and have no ill will toward each other in the grand scheme of things. We have said hurtful things to each other or even done hurtful things to each other, but really when it comes down to it, we didn't want to do that. It was an "in the moment" time of weakness that we regret. The only person that wanted to tear us apart was the enemy himself. And God was finally able to pound it into us after a difficult season that we had to go through, that He is on our side together, He is for our marriage, and as long as we believe the Truth of His Word over each other instead believing the lies that we have for so long, we will be ok. And things have been monumentally better since then. But it's a daily thing. We have to take every thought captive, EVERY thought, EVERY day....to the obedience of Christ. Which means we ask ourselves in every situation "is this thought from God, myself, or the enemy"? If your answer is anything but from God, than you rebuke it and replace with something that God would have you think about that person, even if you have nothing to work with. Just speak a blessing over them, even if you don't feel it, just do it. There is power in that...and the results will follow in your favor.

Blessings from Above

2008-12-13T06:54:00.000-08:00

First of all, I want to say "Thank You" to my dear friend, Liz, for mentioning me for a blog award. How sweet of you to do that. It has been quite a year and I have not been as good about posting on here as I used to be. I get to where I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin or what to talk about so I just avoid it altogether sometimes.
So me not blogging doesn't mean there's nothing to say...LOL! There's just too much sometimes and I don't take the time to jot it all down. But I feel with it being the Christmas season, that there is nothing better to do than to say thanks to Jesus for all the blessings that He has given me in my lifetime. It is a thank offering to Him to celebrate His birth and His life that He has given so freely to us. And with it being a difficult year for my family financially, I have been forced to find all the things I have already been blessed with, and to be thankful and greatful for all the un-material things God has given me. And for that I am thankful, because I have felt more full this year than ever before.

Thank you Jesus for:

1. My husband- for the love and friendship that is growing between us, and for continually holding our marriage into Your hands. Thank you for making Tim a man after Your own heart and for never letting him go. Thank you for the amazing father that You have made him to be for our girls. You knew what you were doing when you joined us together 11 1/2 years ago and I know there so much more that you have planned for us. Thank you for the gift of your promises and hope for our life together...and thank you for fulfilling your promises for our life.

2. Hannah - what a beautiful, sweet, loving daughter she is and I am so excited about the things you are doing in her life right now. Thank you for giving her a heart to reach out and disciple her lost friend and for the amazing letter that she wrote us in her journal. That was a gift that will never be forgotten. Thank you for answering my prayers when I pray that my children would first and foremost learn to love you with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. And thank you for loving them more than even I can. I pray that you show us how to raise her in a way that she will have a love relationship with you that lasts her lifetime during her journey here on earth.

3. Faith - I prayed for 2 years for this little girl when we were wanting to have our 2nd child. Though the waiting was hard, she came in your perfect timing and she has become such a tender-hearted, loving, and compassionate little girl and brings so much joy to our lives. I pray for her to know that our love for her will never waver no matter how much or little she sees it, and that she will find her true identity in You and You alone. I give this child to you and ask that you would meet her every need from the inside out and help Tim and I to know how to help her cultivate a lasting love relationship with you.

4. Rebekah - What a wonderful unexpected blessing this child is, who came at a time when we thought our family was complete. But you had other plans and now I just can't imagine life without her. She brings such life and joy to our family that I can't describe. I love that she needs the quality time that I love having with her. And that she is so affectionate and embraces every happy moment we give her. She has a smile and presence that lights up a room and brings such laughter to this family that we wouldn't have without her. I pray, Lord, that you would use Rebekah's vigorous and captivating nature to shine Your light to others. That people would be drawn to her because of her love for You, and because your love flows through her to others. Inhabit her heart in a way that is real and contagious, and that she will never want to run from you all her days of her life.

5. Mom and Dad - Words just aren't enough to describe the blessings that come from having such loving, giving, caring parents. My dad has become a patriarch of our family and has shown a love for us that will never be forgotten. My mother is such a selfless, sacrificial giving person and is truly one of my best friends. And you just can't put a price on that. Thank you, Jesus, for putting me in the family that you did and that we have been able to grow in our love for each other over the years instead of grow apart like so many families do. I pray that you will continue to grow our relationship with each other and that there will be lasting blessings that come from our family for generations to come. Create a bond of peace, joy, and love for you that can not ever grow old or weary.

6. Matt and Shelly - I am so greatful for my brother and "sister". Though my relationship with Matt hasn't always been the closest, that doesn't change how much I love him and believe that he was placed in my life for a reason. I hope that our relationship can grow from here on out and that we can find common ground in ways we never knew we could. That would be such an extra special gift from above.
Thank you God for Shelly. She has been such a an awesome addition to our family over the years and I am so blessed to call her my sister I never had. And I love her desire for You in her life. She inspires me and I hope and pray that our relationship would grow and mold into something more than we could imagine. She is considered one my best friends and though we don't see each other as much as we'd like, I pray our bond does not go away and actually grows stronger because of your place in our life.

7. My friendships - I tried listing them all but I'm too scare of leaving someone out, so I'll just say that I would not be where I am today without my amazing sisters in Christ. Every one of them that has been part of my life, whether big or small, has been a huge impact on my walk with the Lord and has poured so many blessings into my life that I really am just too overwhelmed to list. I have learned this past year that I can't take any friendship that I have for granted and that God in his sovereignty and provision, very intricately places each person in my life for a reason and I hope that I can be to others what they have been to me. I hope and pray that what has been poured into my life by my Lord and Saviour through my friends and sisters in Christ, can be poured out of me to them all a hundred times over. Thank you, Jesus, for friends. What a blessing from above.

8. My family in NY- I have grown more and more greatful and blessed by all of the family I have away from home. I am so blessed by our visits with them every time we go up there and whenever they make it here. I have grown to miss them more and more over the years. I pray especially for Becky, Beth, Scot and the Waters family during this time of year as they are missing Mike. I pray that this will be a year that they can say that You were still present in their lives even in the midst of their sorrow. I pray that they can find the joy and hope that only comes from You and that they can find the hope in Your promises for their lives. Thank you for the blessing that they are to me. I love my family in NY.

9. The Christmas carols that my children are currently singing to me as I'm typing. It's the sweetest thing ever and a gift (don't worry, I stopped and watched them).

10. Giving Yourself to us - You left the heavenly realms and walked in our shoes for 33 years to bring good news to the poor, and to give your life sacrificially so that we may have a love relationship with you for eternity that we couldn't conjure up on our own. You rescued us from eternal death and gave us eternal life. You love us the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow no matter how sinful or wretched we are. Your unabashed love for us is something that no material item can match. What I want for Christmas is for every knee to bow and every tongue to confess that you are Lord over all the earth. That we realize that you are the reason we walk, breathe, and exist on this earth. I pray that our lives will reflect your glory this Christmas season and that your light will shine in a way we've never experienced before.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

May this Christmas season bring you more of Christ than ever before, my friends. For He is our ultimate Gift.

Interrupted sleep

2008-11-20T19:04:00.000-08:00

I'm a bit perplexed these days at how to get my dear 3 year old to sleep all night. I can't say how long it's been since this has started but it's been at least a month or two since she's been getting up at random times at night and climbing into our bed. And it's been happening almost every night. We have been putting her back to her bed some but not always, which is probably escalating the problem. Some attempts have gone bad due to her throwing fits about it in the middle of the night, and us fearing she'd wake up her sister in her room, or the puppy that still sleeps in our room (in her crate, not our bed). I've been praying over her a lot before bed. I prayed over her last night when she woke up again. She still was fearful and insisted on me sleeping with her or visa versa, so I resorted to putting a pallet on our floor next to our bed and she was quite content with that. Although, I do not want to make that a habit either. She asked to sleep on my floor tonight again but I didn't give in to that. There was a time a few weeks ago that I prayed very intentionally and specifically against anything that is giving her bad dreams or for wisdom and revelation into what is waking her up so much. That night, she never woke up. But has done it every night since. Tonight, I decided a new attempt at playing some soft Christian music in her room. She really was pretty excited when I brought up the idea and it made her stop asking to sleep on my floor. Phew! That was a relief. She went to sleep very well with the music playing. This will be our first night to attempt this, and I'm praying it helps her. Her room seemed way too quiet before and I just wonder if that has been contributing to her waking up. Too many noises she hears, etc. So we shall see how it goes tonight.

Pride

2008-11-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

I picked up Beth Moore's "Praying God's Word" yesterday for the first time in ages. I opened up the book and came onto this passage that Beth Moore wrote in regards to what pride does to us. Woh! This hit me right between the eyes!

Hi. My Name is Pride. I am a cheater.

I cheat you of your God-given destiny...because you demand your own way.

I cheat you of contentment...because you "deserve better than this".

I cheat you of knowledge...because you "already know it all".

I cheat you of healing...because you're too full of me to forgive.

I cheat you of holiness...because you refuse to admit when you're wrong.

I cheat you of vision...because you'd rather look in the mirror than out the window.

I cheat you of genuine friendship...because nobody's going to know the real you.

I cheat you of love...because real romance demands sacrifice.

I cheat you of greatness in heaven...because you refuse to wash another's feet on earth.

I cheat you of God's glory...because I convince you to seek your own.

My name is Pride. I am a cheater

you like me because you think I'm always looking out for you. Untrue.

I'm looking out to make a fool of you.

God has so much for you, I admit, but don't worry,

If you stick with me you'll never know.

Walking it Out...

2008-10-31T06:35:00.000-07:00

Wow! It's been a whole month since I've been on here. I have been contemplating whether I should keep this blog or not, since I'm not as good about keeping up with it as I used to. But I've gotten so much encouragement from people about it and figure I'll keep it around a while longer. We are approaching the holidays and this is definitely my favorite time of year. I've thoroughly enjoyed the college football season so far too since our team is #1 right now. And I love that all the college football hype surrounds my favorite time of year. It's all one big perfect package. I've had the pleasure of going to 3 UT games this season and don't really know how I lucked out that much but it has been very fun and exciting to say the least. Although, I thought I was going to have a heart attack during the last game. The picture beside this is from that game. What a nailbiter!!! A little too close for comfort for me! But at least we came out of it with a "W"!

My girls have gotten into the groove of school quite well and are doing good in their classes so far. Although, mommy is really struggling with getting up at 6:30 in the morning lately and seems to be a bit frazzled every morning getting them ready since she's been dragging her feet getting out of bed. But we're still getting them to school on time, so that's good at least. ANd Rebekah and I have enjoyed some good one-on-one time at home while the girls are at school. She is growing so fast and I know it will be no time before all 3 of my girls will be in school. Here's a picture from our trip with all my girls to the Pumpkin farm a few weeks ago on Columbus Day. We met several friends there and had lots of fun!

Speaking of fun, our Boxer puppy, Mocha, has also been so much fun for the family. She is 3 months old and is 20 lbs already (she was 6 lbs. when we got her) and she has really made a great addition to the family. This has been a completely different experience than our other dogs we've had since we prepared ourselves before we got Mocha this time. And we're actually training her. We have her in training classes right now. She just started last week and did quite well for her first time there. We have 8 weeks to go. And she and Tim have been going on morning walks every morning which has been great for both of them. I will say that the hardest part right now is getting the girls to respond properly when the dog gets rough with them when she is playing. They of course start screaming and crying when she gets too hyper or jumpy, which makes her even more jumpy and hyper. I get onto the dog, but I get onto them too for reacting that way. So I haven't quite figured out how to stop that madness, but hopefully we'll figure it out soon. I feel I'm training the kids as much as the dog.

Now it's time for me to squeeze in some Rebekahisms that my mom shared with me when she was staying with her a few weeks ago. They are too good to not mention!

Rebekah chattering: Mommy said I was once baby Becka. But now I turned in to Rebekah.

Rebekah said: I was a baby and Faith was a baby.
Gramma said: Did you know I was once a baby too?
Rebekah said: A Gramma baby!!!

When Gramma leaned over and hugged and kissed Rebekah she said: You smell like tuna!!!
And Gramma said she had just taken a shower too. She said she must have to return that body wash. Apparently it's not vanilla scented after all.

A few days ago, I was having to go down the NAMC hospital to get some medical records for Hannah and Faith's school and couldn't find a parking spot to save my life it seemed. Well, Rebekah chimed in finally and said in a very sarcastic voice"Just find a parking spot already, mom!"

Kids will be kids!

Moving along now, I've been doing a Beth Moore study ("Breaking Free") since the beginning of September and it has been such a revealing and monumental study for me.

I wanted share a few things that God has reminded me through it. One of the things is that instead of asking God to follow me every day and help me in my walk, I need to start committing to God that I am going to follow Him however or wherever He wants me be every day. When we ask God to follow us, we're pretty much throwing out the fact that it is His will we need. We're making it about our will instead. When we take on our day, we don't always stay in God's path, and He won't follow us if we're veering off from His will. So we need to be ready to follow God in every way, and that is when we will begin to experience the Spirit-filled life that we are called to. Whether it's how we are parenting our children, loving our spouses or not, whether we are reaching out to a neighbor or friend or not, etc. Most of the time, we just try to take off in the day ourselves, and assume God is going to walk along side us wherever we go. He may be with us, but He isn't gonna walk with us into a sinful life. We do that to ourselves. He'll stand by, watch us, and wait patiently for us to run back to Him. But He really just wants for us to follow Him ever step of the way and in that, We will know His will and plan. But we have to want it and receive it for Him to reveal it to us!

Another thing that God is showing me, is that a way to be free from any strongholds in our lives, we need to learn to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. And I think that ties in to the first point I made. We won't want to follow Him if we don't love Him with every part of our being. That sounds hard to do, God. Well, that's because it is. There is no way we can do that without praying for God to give us the power to love Him in that way. But we also have to realize that the only reason we love God and others is because He first loved us. One thing I love that Beth Moore said is that God would have to stop existing if He stopped loving us. Because He is love! But if we can grasp how much He wants us to love Him back, and then ask Him to give us that ability, He will answer. Because that is us praying for something that is according to His will. Each day, I want to be praying that the Lord helps me to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and that my husband and children will learn to do the same. Our fulfillment should come through Him and Him alone, and everything else is just overflow. I wish I could say I'm there, but I'm not yet. But I want to be there and I guess that's a start. What things am I trying to fulfill the empty places of my life with instead of God? And can I believe that God is enough? That has been the question that keeps coming back to me. O Lord, help my unbelief in this area and in this area with others. We need to believe that you are enough!

As we are moving into the Holiday season, I pray that I can learn to rest in His presence every day and that I can allow His Spirit to guide me into His will through the hussle and bussle of life and bring me to a place of fulfillment and contentment in Him and Him alone.

Hmmm...

2008-09-27T04:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm up at 6am on a Saturday morning trying to figure out what to do with myself since I really just rather be sleeping. Tim is off having a great hunting, fishing, and camping trip so I'm on full-blown doggy duty this morning. Mocha decided that 5:45am was her wake-up time this morning (and of course she has been sleeping later on weekdays...figures). But I think it happened because Rebekah decided to try to come into my room and climb into my bed at 5:45 this morning only to wake up Mocha. Needless to say, we have implored Rebekah not to do that anymore since any sign of a human being up and around gets Mocha thinking it's time to get up. Oh well, such is life.
Anyways, life is doing ok around here in the Waters household though. We have had our ups and downs since Tim's father passed away on Sept. 1st. And yesterday would have been Mike's 56th birthday, so it was a tough day. So Tim is walking through the process of grieving over the loss of a father as I've been trying to learn how to be a supportive wife of a grieving husband. It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination. I've had to remind myself over and over from the beginning that what he needs from is completely different than what I would need from him. We are wired so differently as men and women are. So I have to constantly put myself into his shoes and try to figure out what he needs and that is just not easy. What has been real tough too is that I've missed my husband in certain ways. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand why I've lost a companion for a while. Yet I'm a quality time person, he is not, so when you throw in the grieving he is going through, quality time pretty much goes out the window altogether (unless I get on my knees and grovel for it...lol). Not his fault at all, but it still doesn't make it easy on me. Of course, life is not about being easy is it. And life is not supposed to be about me either. I've been pretty ashamed of myself since the beginning of the month at how selfish I can still be even when my husband is going through what he is going through...oh, the joys of living in the flesh.
On that vein, God is teaching me a lot about that as I've also started a new Bible Study this fall with our women't ministry at church. I'm doing "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore and boy is it shining some light on things that I didn't know were even there! We are only in the 3rd week and I keep thinking, "Is there actually more?". This is so much already!
Last week, the study was on the obstacles that hinder our fullness in Christ. Woh!!! Was that an eye-opener. She covered on: unblief, pride, idolatry, prayerlessness, and legalism. These things are direct counterparts to a full life in Christ, which are: belief in God, God's glory, satisfaction in God alone, peace from God, and experiencing God's presence. So long in short, I discovered I need serious work on all of this!!! I'm sure we can all find some way in which those obstacles are a part of our life. You know when you think you are doing pretty good in your walk with God and WHAMMO!, God wakes you up to reality? It's like in the song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns when he says "Be careful if you think your standing, because you just might be sinking". What a powerful statement!
So now I'm going through feeling overwhelmed at what he has revealed to me this past month, and I'm still having to walk this out every moment of every day. So it's time to cling to God with all that is within me and trust that I will grow through everything that has transpired in my life, one moment at a time.

Pics from our Eventful Week

2008-08-31T19:04:00.000-07:00

1st Day of School - Tues., Aug. 26th

(Bekah had to bring a lunch box for herself too when we dropped her sisters off)

She didn't handle the drop-off very well either

Faith walking ahead of us with gusto

She was so excited about going to Kindergarten

(by the end of the week, she said school was boring....go figure)

our new Boxer puppy, Mocha

(we got her on Thursday night, Aug. 28th)

Faith capped off the week and went to the UT game with her grandparents on Saturday

This is Faith with her Big Dad

The Real Me

2008-08-24T20:43:00.000-07:00

Ha...I made you look. JK. I'm sure some of you can identify "the real me" way better than I can.

No...really, I'm going somewhere with this though...I think. So last Thursday night, I went to see Natalie Grant in concert and though there are several songs of hers that she sang that night that I really enjoy regularly, there is one that she sang that I really hadn't listened to a lot before Thursday night. But I immediately added it to my ipod playlist afterwards because of how deeply it spoke to me then. And it just happens to be the song "The Real Me", thus the title to this post. I actually was so hoping I could put in on the top of my playlist on this blog too so it would be playing as you read this, but no such luck as it wasn't an option to add...bummer! It's really been in my head often though since Thursday night and the words have really touched me quite a bit. You can find it on UTube easily to listen to by the way.
The theme of the night during her concert that I grasped was about finding our true identity through the our personal Creator, which is of course, God (and Jesus, as Faith would say. She always says the two together).
So Natalie spoke a little about the temptation that we all have to let our standards for ourselves and our identity be dictated by what the world says we should be...yada, yada, yada. And how it is always a struggle to listen to the One voice who is calling us to listen to Him over everything else, who knows us inside and out. For He is the One who created our inner-most being and He knows us more than we or anyone else can ever know about us. And that brings real hope to me, friends.

The words to this song say it so clearly:

The Real Me
Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache,
will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

[Chorus:]But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence

But you love me even now
And still I see somehow
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see

When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

I have been through a phase over the past few years where I really felt like I lost who I was in so many ways. You may not have noticed so much or may have noticed more than I realized. I was so immersed in trying to be a good mom, good wife, keep the friends I had, among other things, yet inside I felt like a failure in so many ways and someone that couldn't find a purpose anymore besides keeping my kids fed, clothed and bathed on a daily basis, and trying to keep my husband happy enough to still love me despite my shortcomings. I know, it's sad. I've still been having ups and downs with it even now and I know some of you have dealt with that same so that's why I'm addressing this. I've considered myself a pretty open book with my friends, so don't think I have some deep, dark secret that I'm about to reveal, I guess it's just that, like all of us, I am still a work in progress on so many levels, and sometimes it just feels as if this life here on earth leaves me walking in circles and not on a straight path to somewhere.
Well, I've had to come to realize that the only way that my true identity and purpose will be revealed to me is when I am listening whole-heartedly to my Creator and allowing Him to mold me and make me into His image the way He intended to. If someone were to ask me to explain my personality, what others see in me, how I'm perceived, etc., right now, I really can't give a clear answer because I've allowed way too many thoughts come into my head that I'm sure are not from my Creator. But that's my own fault for not being with Him enough on a daily basis. And I'm ashamed to say that I have believed too many of the negative thoughts. I'm working on weeding them out but also having to embrace the areas that He really wants me to work on, whether I want to or not. It's not easy, is it?
But for today, one thing that I can say that I am sure of is that I am a daughter of the King, a new creation, and that Jesus is trying to break through the walls of unbelief so He can pour into me all that He knows that I am. And what pours in must come out. Therefore, if I want the things to come out of me that are of Him, I absolutely have to empty out the junk, and let Him fill me with His truth and His life so that my life will reflect "the real Christ" who lives inside of "the real me".

A Week Full of Surprises

2008-08-10T15:18:00.000-07:00

Well, our family vacation brought on many twists and turns that is worth telling about. So I'll try to line it out the best I can from beginning to end.

Our timeline goes a bit like this:

Monday: proposed time of departure (by car) with the family for the beach is 9:00am. We're all excited, up at 7am getting everything together.Then the phone rings at 8:00am and it 's my mother sounding not so happy saying we are on hold for departure because of a tropical storm that is possibly heading right to the location that we are going...sigh. So we wait til 11:00am for the updated report. I get a call from mom at 11:00 and she said we are gonna give it a go and see what happens when we get there. Yipee!! Everyone is gearing up, getting the car loaded with all the stuff, only to get another phone call a few minutes later and we screech to a hault again. A deputy from the beach area returned a call from my mother and highly discouraged that we come. So, we sit and wait for a possible alternative plan to spring up. In the meantime we decided to take the kids down to Barton Springs for the day to help kill time until we knew more that evening what we were to do. So then dad was surfing around the web Monday night trying to find other places to go because they were pretty much resolving to the fact that the beach is out. So he finds this farm house online out in Bastrop, in the country, 6 bedrooms, a covered pool, hot tub, game room, plenty of space for all to sleep and things to do in case it rained half the week (which it never did). And it was available last minute! Oh, and the road trip would be cut by about 3-4 hours. Definitely a bonus! It's not the beach but somewhere we can still have some good family time together. So after corresponding with each other that night, we decided to say goodbye to the hopes of going to the beach and take a wack at this other place and made plans accordingly for the next day.

Tuesday: departure time is 10:30am. After discovering that the storm never hit our original vacation spot and accepting that we could have still gone to the beach after all but are still not going, we all leave on time to head to Bastrop and arrive there at noon.

I'll now share quote of the day is from Faith. As we were driving toward the farm house, there were lots of cows of course, and Faith said "Oh! I thought those were just decorater cows, but I saw an ear move". We still laugh about that one. That's my intuitive girl!

So when we arrived at the house, the owner was still there cleaning (which we knew she would be) as we had given them very short notice obviously, so that was fine. Well, this next part will be the surprise of the day I think. We 1st learn when we arrive quickly that this is definitely a farm with all the old shack-looking buildings around the house (obviously not shown on the web). We then find the "game room" is a dirty glorified garage. It's no wonder they didn't show this room on the web either. Then we walk into the kitchen only to find some leftover food laying around, the fridge and freezer had food in it still(eyes are getting bigger by the minute), then we find that there's many filled closets, a very used laundry room with dirty linens still laying around, floors that really are not very clean, you get the picture. Just not exactly what the web made it look like to say the least. The rooms were quite nice though and had made beds and all. So that was very appreciated. Oh and for the record, the owner did empty out her fridge for us before she left. It just needed cleaning afterwards. So after a final analysis, we finally realize that the people who own this house actually live here!! It turns out it's a farm house that a couple lives in, but goes and stays in an RV in their shed next door while some strangers come and take over their home....can I say strange!? It took me and the others some time to get used to the idea. But there we were, so we adjusted over time. We just kind of all rolled with it, got settled, found a groove for the week, and became used to living in someone else's home while they lived in their RV...still wierd. I felt pretty bad that first day for my mom and dad, since they were the ones who paid for all of this. They seemed a bit perplexed as well. But we spruced up some things throughout the week before it was all said and done and made the best of it. The guys then took the kids swimming that afternoon while us ladies went and did all the grocery shopping for our meals for the week. The pool was definitely a hit...and the food got eaten quite well. :)

Wednesday: We went to check out Lake Bastrop this day. It was actually quite beautiful to look at. It just felt like we were swimming in bath water. The kids didn't seem to mind, but I couldn't stay in that very long. The water was feeling warmer than the outside air. We also had a picnic lunch out there. We did let the kids attempt to fish too and they loved that. Serah caught a dirty sock, but that's the best anyone could seem to do. We then went back to the house later and jumped in the nice cold pool. It felt so much nicer than the lake, needless to say.

So later that day, we had dinner and were just visiting around the table, when suddenly the ceiling fan above us lost a blade as it was on and it fell on Tim. It was like a "Money Pit" movie moment. We were waiting for the ceiling to just cave in...lol. A bathroom cabinet door fell off the day before as well. And we couldn't get the top range to work where the double ovens were. But then later in the week it started working. Hmmm....what else will we discover in this house? Time would tell.
To cap off the day, we got the kids settled in bed and the enjoyed some fun game-playing amongst the adults. That will go down as my favorite times of the trip. We did it every night after the kids went down. Lots of great laughter and just plain fun

Thursday: We were awaiting the arrival of Liz that day. This was definitely a big blessing from changing our plans. She wouldn't have been able to come had we been 5 hours away. So we went on our normal routine that morning. The guys offer to take the kids swimming at the pool while us ladies caught up on "So You Think You Can Dance" (you know...priorities). We had tivoed it the night before on the big TV there. So as we were enjoying the show, suddenly I hear a door open and a crying child. It turns out it was Tim and Hannah. And he was holding her arm up as her hand was falling limp. She had fallen off the diving board at the pool and landed on her hand on the concrete. On the bright side, at least it wasn't her head. And we pretty much knew by the looks of her hand that her wrist was broken. So off to the hospital Tim, Hannah, and I went. After we left the ER, we took Hannah for some ice cream and to buy a game or two so she wouldn't be too bored the next few days while the others were swimming. Her friend Azalea apparently was so worried the whole time we were gone as she paced around waiting for our return to the farm house. Azalea was so cute the next few days being Hannah's little hand-maiden as she helped her to do things you can't do with just one hand. Hannah was a trooper and really hasn't complained much about her wrist. She's a tough kid. We capped off the day once again with some good ol' game-playin' that night. This time we had Liz with us which made things even more fun.

Friday: no more surprises this day, thankfully! Well, except for the miserable cold my dad started coming down with. Poor guy! But the guys graciously let us ladies, along with Hannah and Azalea, go do some window shopping but without the little kiddos, at the town square in Smithville. We enjoyed lunch together too at a local soup/sandwich place that once was an old filling station years ago. We then came back and did some swimming with the family again, played some ping pong at the pool, had dinner later that evening, and watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics as a big family. The kids even watched most of it until most of them fell asleep in our laps. It was a very special time.

Saturday: time to head home! We were all scurrying around that morning getting everything together, loaded up the cars, and said our goodbyes by about 11:00, and made our quick drive back home. That quick trip was fantastic by the way. I had the whole rest of the day to unpack and unwind. Big bonus for sure!

To mom and dad: Thank you so much for all you do to keep the tradition of our family vacations going every year. We could never do it without you. And it's not about where we go, but who we're with. This year was a bit different than others and some ways difficult at the beginning, but when it's all said and done, we still were able to accomplish what we wanted, and that's to just be together, make great memories and have more stories to tell, and I wouldn't have traded it for anything. This will go down as another very memorable, fun-filled time with my incredible family and friends. Love you all so much!

Ed, Liz Timothy, and Silas: I'm so glad that y'all were able to squeeze in one more vacation with us. We are so glad that y'all were included in this memorable week. We hope y'all are able to take some memories from it with you to Atlanta. We love you guys!

Vacation pics...

2008-08-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

Just Catching Up...

2008-08-03T17:32:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't been on here much lately. I have so many other things going on and really have been having another case of blogger's block. Things have been good around here. To start off, I'm seeing much fruit already from my nutrition changes. There have been many "testing" times to help me see how I've handled certain situations now vs. how I used to handle the same type of situations before. And I have to attest, things are sooo much better. I am much more even keel. And I'm actually starting to have fun finding new recipes and things that I can eat as well. I'm even gradually involving my children in it which is a big step considering I've only been at this for about 6 weeks. It's all a process, though, and I just gotta keep at it.

I happily hosted a 80's-themed Diva Night Friday night for a bunch of ladies at church. For those who don't know what Diva Night is, it is basically a ladies' social that we formed about 3 years ago with our ABF at church, and it comes with a trace of craziness and being silly:). If it were about 3 months ago, the thought of hosting anything like that would have sent me over the edge. My anxiety was on full force then and anything added to my everyday life was just too much for me to handly. I look back to this past week though and think about how incredibly calm

I was in the preparations and how I was able to enjoy the anticipation of having a blast with my fellow sisters. And it wasn't something I consciously had to do. I'm praising God for showing me a path to healing and now I just have to keep down the narrow path.So back to Diva Night last Friday, we all dressed up in 80's clothes (well, most of us), had a best-dressed contest (by which Shelly won), had a bunch of 80's music playing all night, and we had a crazy Scavenger Hunt doing the kinds of things most high-schoolers would do. Each group videoed themselves doing their scavenger hunt stunts and then we all came back and watched all of the vidoes. Talk about peeing in your pants laughing! And my team won, by the way ;).

We also celebrated all the fun times we've had with our dear friend, Liz (pictured below), who will be moving out of state in just a month from now. She has always been our party animal at Diva Night and it was great to dedicate this past Friday night to her as we knew it would be our last with her before she moved. We had a time of prayer over her and had the ladies write notes of encouragement to her to take with her and her family on their new journey, as well as just plain having a blast laughing with her one last time.
Liz, if you are reading this, you probably have figured out by now how incredibly loved you are and that we are gonna miss you terribly. But I am excited to hear about all that the Lord is going to do in yours and your family's life as y'all walk it out on faith. I hope you can start your own Diva Night up in Atlanta with whoever ends up being your fellow sisters up there.

This is Shannon and Liz, the Diva Sisters!

So now that brings us to tomorrow as we leave for our annual family trip. We are going to Surfside beach this year with my mom and dad, Matt and Shelly and kids, and Ed Lockwood (Liz's husband) and Timmy (their son). Liz can't make it because she has to stay and help get fall registration going on campus where she works.

Anyways, I am just trying catch up a little before I am gone for 5 days. I will probably be back with pictures and an update from our trip. Pray for safety for us and that we will have a relatively stress-free week. There will be 14 people total including kids in our beach house for a week and it can get hectic sometimes.

A Prayer - Funny, Yet So True

2008-07-23T19:58:00.000-07:00

I read this in a book I read recently. It comes into my head some mornings. It makes me chuckle yet it's so true at the same time:

"Lord, I haven't done anything wrong today. I have not made any mistakes, spoken any wrong words, or thought any bad thoughts. I've done everything right so far. But I'm really going to be depending on you now, Lord, because I'm about to get out of bed."

Spiritual Food

2008-07-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

As I was journaling last night for the first time in a while, I was reflecting on the past month and the ups and downs of trying to stay on this new path of eating habits. What a narrow path it has felt like, oh my! It was pretty easy the 1st week because at the time, I was desperate and willing to do anything to start feeling better and being functional again. I will say at this moment that there has been some improvement in my mood-swings, energy level, etc. Yet I have had more days than I had hoped by this point where I have pretty much bombed on eating what I am supposed to, or not eating what I'm not supposed to, however you want to look at it. I'm still learning how to say no to some things, and ultimately yes to the right things. And there have been days where I don't feel so great physically, emotionally still and those days are when I wonder if this whole nutrition stuff is really working. And I've just wanted to quit some days.

And as I was getting my thoughts on paper last night, it really hit me how incredibly similar walking out our faith in Christ is so similar. When we feel good spiritually, it's easier to want to walk the straight and narrow, to do what God asks us to do, to speak so highly of how wonderful Jesus is, to read the Bible, feed on His word, etc. And in those times, the not-so-healthy things in life aren't as tempting. But when our world gets rocked, our faith gets put to the test, we aren't feeling very good spiritually, know we've messed up yet again in a certain sin area, etc., is when our flesh rares it's ugly head and wants to be fed. It wants to feel good at that moment. So thus the tempation of bad choices begins.
That's pretty much what happens when we are pursuing a healthy lifestyle physically. When we aren't seeing results right away, we want to put everything back on the shelf and say, this isn't working. I'm gonna do or eat whatever I want!
Well, the good news is that if we have received Christ as our personal Saviour, we don't have to "do" anything to make our salvation work. It's already been accomplished. But are we willing to believe that every word we read in the Bible, every piece of spiritual food we put into our spirit, is really making our lives here on earth more effective, more useful for His Kindgom, even if we don't see it coming into fruition right away? Our God wants us to press on, hang on, don't give up, and trust that when He says His word is Truth, and "is God-breadthed, good for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thorougly equipped for every good work" (2 Tim. 3:16), he means it.
Honestly, lately, reading the Bible has been like eating shredded wheat without the milk for me. I've been devouring my prayer books and have been reading other things that apply directly to my current needs, but the Bible has been kind of dry for me. But I really do want the Word to come alive to me again. But what will it take? I just have to trust that even if I don't feel it's doing anything anything today or any day, that really, anything that is God-breathed is still alive and active. And usually when it becomes dry to me, it's because I'm making it about what's in it for me, not what's in it for the glory of God.
It's so cool how God is using my current situation in changing eating habits to speak so directly to my relationship with Him as well, and help me realize how vital His words to me are through the Bible itself.
This song has spoken to me lately. It's a new one by Third Day that I'm sure many of you know by now. I'm having to constantly be reminded of God's love for me. And this song says it all:

Call My Name

It's been so long
since You felt like you were loved
So what went wrong
But do you know
There's a place where you belong
Here in My Arms

Chorus:
When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
It seems like no one else in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I'll be there
You just call My name and I'll be there

The pain inside Has erased your hope for love
Soon you will find That I'll give you all
That your heart could ever want
And so much more

Chorus:
When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
It seems like no one else in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I'll be there
You just call My name and I'll be there

You just call My name
You just call My name

Call My name say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive
Call My name say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive

You just call My name
You just call My name
You just call My name

The love I have for you is so alive
The love I have for you is so alive

You just call My name
You just call My name
You just call My name

I know I'm surrounded by a husband who loves me so much, friends that surround me with love and support and all that we as people need from each other. Yet when the enemy gets me to a place where I feel no one else understands me and I'm a hopeless case, I can call out to My Saviour, knowing that He understands me inside and out, and still loves me, and sees all the hope that I can't see. And that hope that Jesus brings, is what keeps me going.

4th of July---Part 2

2008-07-06T13:33:00.000-07:00

Our evening 4th of July picnic at San Gabriel Park in Georgetown with our friends from Church!

Waiting for fireworks to start!

playing a serious card game!!!

Look at those card sharks :)

4th of July

2008-07-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

Our Morning started with our Neighborhood 4th of July Parade and Celebration

The girls worked hard decorating their bikes to be patriotic for the parade

Hannah and her close friend, Azalea

Waiting to take off for the bike parade

Yummmm! Nothing like a good popcicle after a parade!

Faith's brave attempt to eat an ice cream bar in the heat after the parade!

But it was worth every bite!

Choo-choo!!! One of the rounds they took on the little train ride!

An Update on Life...

2008-06-29T19:45:00.000-07:00

Phew!! I survived last week as we had VBS every night up at the church. It was fun and the kids seemed to enjoy themselves immensely. I helped in the snack room as we put together all kind of fun concoctions of snacks that went with the tropical island theme of VBS. It was lots of fun, yet like everyone else I'm sure, I was pretty wasted by the end the week.
We then took the girls Saturday night to see the Zilker Musical "Beauty and the Beast" with our friends, the Steuerwalds. It was a bit hot til the sun went down, but the girls say they enjoyed the musical, so I'm glad we went.
A new thing that I began embarking on last week is a change in my eating habits. And no, this isn't a weight issue. Many of you know I've never had a problem with weight. My reason is, because of all of the emotional instability I've had over the past year or so that has now led to me just not feeling well physically, has affected my marriage and my kids I'm sure, I decided to go see a Naturopath Physician this past Monday. Her name is Melissa Russ. She is a strong Christian woman that my dear friend, Angie, recommended to me. Angie has been seeing Melissa for several months now for the same issues I've had and has become great friends with her. Also Angie was gracious to come with me to my first visit and we all 3 sat there and had a great visit. What was supposed to be an hour and a half visit with Melissa and Angie became a 3 1/2 hour visit. We talked about everything you can imagine in regards to our health, our lives, our walks with God, you name it. So I knew that God had taken me to the right place.
I left there with a mound of information about what I needed to be changing as far as my diet as well as my time management to help reduce my stress level. But she's starting me with somefairly easy steps to start off with as far as my eating goes.
We're focusing on getting my digestive system healthy again which will through time help my emotional and physical state to where I'm not such a head case for my family to be with during those times of the month if you know what I mean. A lot of our emotions are actually stored in our gut and digestive system, and when our digestive system isn't healthy, it affects our mental, emotional and physical state. For me, it's gotten pretty bad to the point where my husband would hardly talk to me the last few weeks because he didn't know how to deal with me. So it's just not a good thing when anyone is that difficult to deal with.
So I'm on a high protein, high green veggie, no gluten, no dairy diet and I've got some nutritional supplements to take as well. And to top it off, I'm supposed to drink 75 oz. of water a day. Yikes!! Considering I was good to drink a bottle of water a day, that's quite a task for me. No more sodas, only a little bit of juice, and obviously TONS of water is what the doctor ordered :). Not to mention I'm supposed to exercise a little every day as well, something else I wasn't doing before.
But my 1st week has gone very well so far. I've had to fudge a little because of VBS last week, but all in all, my focus is in the right place. And I'm allowed to enjoy a normal meal on occasion and even a soda if I've had all the waters I'm supposed to have, which is kind of nice to know. I love the motto I heard recently: "Eat to live, don't live to eat". So that's what I'm trying to stick with. I really want to feel better and be the best mom and wife I can to my family. It will take sacrifice and diligence, but I can do it with God's help and the accountability I have with Melissa and Angie. Just knowing I'm going back to see Melissa in a month is enough to keep me going in the right direction. I'm also seeing a chiropractor very regularly as just another way of getting healthy. Apparently I have a lot of muscle tension and spasms that were found on my exam, plus my lower back is in pain a lot. So hopefully our good pal, D.R. Steuerwald, will be able to help out with that. I had never been to a chiropractor before a few weeks ago, and it's been pretty cool so far.
Just pray that God will continue to direct my steps as I'm determined to get healthy and take care of my body the way I should.
So there's my life update for now. Until next time...God bless!

Great Devotional for Today

2008-06-16T06:48:00.000-07:00

"Whitewashed Walls"

"Then Paul said to him, 'God will strike you, you whitewashed wall! You sit there to judge me according to the law, yet you yourself violate the law by commanding that I be struck."
Acts 23:3 (NIV)

Devotion:
Have you ever painted over a dirty wall, only to have more handprints and marks appear just days later? I noticed this recently after we had some interior painting done in our home. The painters had painted the wall that leads down our stairs--the same wall that our kids drag their hands across as they race up and down the stairs. This wall had grown dingy gray from years of dirty hands, stray pencil marks, and the occasional crayon scribble. After the wall was painted, I admired how clean and pristine it looked. Ahhh, I thought, at last.

About a week later, I discovered marks on my beautiful wall. While the wall had been painted over, the habits had not changed. The children were still racing up and down the stairs, dragging their dirty hands behind them. Making what was once white and clean, gray and dirty all over again. As I looked at that wall, the Lord showed me that I am like that wall if I am not careful. I can cover what's there--wear the cool Christian tee shirt, carry my Bible, smile like everything's great and talk a good game about my walk with the Lord, but deep inside the ugly old habits are still there, waiting to be revealed the moment life gets messy. If I am not careful, I can become a modern-day Pharisee who focuses on the whitewash covering and ignores the dirty stuff underneath.

In Matthew 23:27, Jesus called the Pharisees whitewashed tombs because they appeared perfect on the outside, but inside were full of deceit, lies and hypocrisy. In Biblical times, tombs were whitewashed to make them attractive and visible, but that didn't change the death and decay they held inside. Jesus compared the religious Pharisees to these tombs. He knew the danger that lurked inside an overly religious person who spends more time perfecting how they appear than working on the condition of their hearts.

For those of us who are in the church and living committed Christian lives, I think it is easy to slip into the mindset of the Pharisees. The more comfortable we get in our Christianity, the more tempting it is to think certain ways and allow that thinking to supersede grace, mercy and compassion. So, how can we stop that from happening? We can stay in the Word, concentrating on what Jesus taught as He walked on this earth and connecting with who He ministered to--the broken, the less-thans, the lost and lonely. We can focus on being thankful and rejoicing in Him. We can pray often, asking God to reveal any patterns of behavior that are more surface-oriented than heart-oriented. We can surround ourselves with friends who are real and transparent and allow us to be as well.

Most of all, we can admit that, while we are saved, we are still sinners who struggle with bad habits and bad decisions just like everybody else. In a world that is mostly based on appearances, it is easy to become concerned with how we appear to others. We have to daily depend on Jesus to bring us freedom from striving and peel the whitewash away.

Prayer and Scripture

2008-06-13T19:20:00.000-07:00

It's another serious one so bear with me...

So I picked up this little booklet the other night at HEB that is from one of my favorite Christian authors, Stormie Omartian. I know most of you have at least one of her books. I have had "The Power of a Praying Wife" for years now and came across another book of hers about a year ago, "The Prayer that Changes Everything" (The Hidden Power of Praising God) but actually never ended up reading all of it, although I loved what I did read (I'm just terrible about finishing books). It's a handicap of mine really.
Well, she has a prayer booklet based on the second book I mentioned that includes all the prayers she wrote in her initial book after each chapter, which is perfect for me, because I really just usually use prayers the most anyways in her books when I need them for my prayer life. I looked in it for a few minutes while shopping at HEB and just knew it was for me. And it turns out this book ended up touching so directly on some of the things that I've been dealing with this week.

Probably one of my biggest struggles in my spiritual life are negative thoughts, confusion and anxiety which really go hand in hand with each other. I haven't struggled with it though for a few months now, but it all came on full force this week again. When circumstances come and I don't don't know what the outcome will be, those things that I just listed just come on full force. Not to mention, it puts a strain on my marriage as well, because understandably, my sweet husband just doesn't know what to do with me. Then I get angry that he's not being there for me, which draws a wedge in which brings a whole other struggle. And I believe we were under some attack this week after such a blissful time last weekend on our 11 yr. anniversary. Don't worry, we're ok now :). And I give God all the glory for that. Well, and Tim and I are growing so much and are able to overcome these hurdles better.
For me, it's a battle of the mind and the enemy knows that I can get struck down pretty easily when I'm not prepared for my next time of testing, as we all can. And I felt pretty struck down this week. There's a section of this booklet that is titled "When I am Troubled By Negative Thoughts and Emotions" that prays through some powerful scripture but praises God in the midst the prayer over this very specific struggle. It hit the nail on what I needed to pray to my God. It's also just so important that we can still praise God in the midst of a stormy time. It was my lifesource to pray through these scriptures this week and I know the Lord carried me through. I love that when I am weak, He is strong, that his power rests upon me at my most vulnerable times. It may not have felt like it in the midst, but looking back, I know He was with me. And probably to anyone reading this, my issues (if I got specific) would probably seem minute compared to how they felt in the midst. Emotions can make anything feel huge though and I know it was just a time of testing for me. I know that if anything, it got me talking to God ALOT...and that's always a good thing.

So here are some of the prayers that the Lord gave me to pray this week through the little booklet and they became vital to me:

Lord I praise you that you have given me a sound mind.
Thank you that you are not the author of confusion, but of peace. (1 Cor. 14:33)
Thank you that I have the mind of Christ. (2 Cor. 2:16)
Thank you that you enable me to cast down every argument that exalts itself against the knowledge of You and bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Cor. 10:5) (even when I don't feel it at the time).
Help me to be renewed in my mind and put on the new person You created me to be in rghteousness and holiness. (Eph. 4:22-24)

Here's some more powerful scripture that God had been speaking over me to meditate on day and night that I have to share:

"Be still and know that I am God". Psalm 46:10

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Eph. 6:13-17

" But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."1 Cor. 4:7-9

I pray that these truths and scripture will bless anyone reading this. I know it's all about progress and boy am I a work in progress. But there's a truth that the old has gone and the new has already come, and there is nothing I have to "do" to attain it. I just need to walk in the truth and receive everything that I am through Christ.

As of now, I am at peace that only God has given, and the storm has passed.

And after all that this week brought, the Lord in His grace has actually brought me into a closer relationship to my kids once again thru some areas that only He could have empowered me to work on with them, and we've enjoyed our summer so much already because of it. I'll have to share later our new little chore schedule we've begun and show some more pics of my 3 joys of my life once I get more taken. I can't wait to see what the rest of the summer will bring before my Faith starts school in the fall and Hannah returns...(sniff, sniff). Oh the time flies.

Until next time...be blessed!

11 Years and Counting...

2008-06-08T12:29:00.001-07:00

Tim and I celebrated 11 years of marriage yesterday. We had a wonderful time on our evening out together last night and I am looking forward to all the future memories that we are going to make together.
I also want to say how overwhelmingly blessed I am by my husband. He is becoming my best friend, he is the most wonderful daddy to our girls, and most importantly He loves the Lord and is following Christ in more ways than He probably realizes. God has brought us through some tough times over the past few years, and we are at a place today that I never dreamed we would be. I love Tim more today than I did the day I married Him, and am excited to know that because we are both following our Lord and Savior together, our love will grow even more with each other than it already has. It's hard to imagine that being possible, but because His love has no bounds, our love for each other has no bounds. Thank you, God, for Tim and all that he is to me and will be in the years to come.

Happy Anniversary again, sweetheart!

Our Week with Tim's Mom

2008-06-06T08:06:00.001-07:00

Most of you looking on here know that we had Tim's mom, Candy, down this week from upstate NY. We had an awesome week. She left this morning to head back home,

but has left some great memories for us.
So here's some snippits of what we did while she was here.

Tim and his mom, Candy, at the RR Express game on Monday night

Candy is a big NY Yankees fan so she wanted a pic of Hannah wearing this hat.

Candy was showing the girls some pics of their family up in NY

On Tuesday, Tim, Hannah and I took Candy to New Braunfels to go tubing on the Comal River. Here we are floatin' away!We also took her to the historical town of Gruene, TXwhich is one of Tim and I's favorite places to go. We did some shopping and ate dinner at the Gruene River Grill which is a fantastic place to eat. Above is taken in Gruene in front of an old chuckwagon we walked by.

We also went to the historical Gruene Hall, pictured below, which is the oldest dance hall in Texas. It's also the place where George Straight and many other country artists started their careers. This was a big highlight of our trip actually. Candy loved the Texas-style feel in there. It's not something you would obviously ever find in NY. We went in and listened to a band "Two Tons of Steel" play for a while, which were very good by the way. I ended up enjoying their music so much that I came home and put some of their songs on my ipod. The best part though was watching all the two-steppers and jitterbuggers on the dance floor. It was amazing!! I tried to get Hannah out there with me, but had no luck. There were lots of kids dancing with their mommies and daddies along with all the couples. I've already told Tim I'm gonna teach him how to two-step soon so we can go back sometime and join the dancers :).

SOME DANCERS AND THE BAND!

We then took Candy to Krause Springs on Wednesday to swim for the afternoon. Candy took this picture of Tim and I under the waterfall. Candy and Bekah swimming together We closed out our week yesterday by just veggin' at home, watching movies, and recooperating from the busy week. Like I said, great week, great memories! Thanks for coming down, Candy!

The Meaning of JOY

2008-05-25T14:44:00.001-07:00

I had a lesson on joy today, and I just wanted to share this one example out of the many times that my joy gets stolen, but how that can change on a dime if I take it to God, and receive from Him all the joy I desire, and let Him remind me of where my joy really comes from.

Today I found myself coming home, even after another great morning at church and a great sermon, still just kind of discontent, not very joyful, and at one point felt I wanted to kind of bite someone's head off, but didn't know why. Don't worry, I didn't bite anyone's head off. Actually, my family never had a clue this was going on in my mind. Luckily, I had a talk to God while preparing lunch so I could nip this fleshy-ness in the bud. I didn't want my long Sunday afternoon with my family to be ruined. And of course, it's always right after a good sermon that you get a little tested, isn't it?
Anyways, I really wanted to go and have a quiet talk with God during the time that I was making lunch, but that wasn't possible, so He graciously spoke to me right there where I was at, making lunch. I love that about Him. I was telling Him that I didn't feel very joyful, I didn't want to make all these sandwiches, try to entertain my kids all day, or pick up the mess that was left from rushing out the door for church that morning. I know, whine, whine, whine. And He said "Who are you wanting to please right now?". I easily said "Me...um...oh yeah...that's my problem". He said, "Yep". The flesh always wants to get fed first, cared for first, doesn't it, and it is NEVER satisfied. Nor does it want to serve others. There have been other signs of my flesh being strong this week as well. And then God said, "Remember, the only pure joy and contentment you are going to find is through Me. So for the thousandth time, abide in Me, feed the Spirit, and rebuke the flesh in the name of Jesus". And then I was reminded of JOY being an acronym for what God was telling me. This has done wonders for me in that past.

J - Jesus first
O- Others second
Y- yourself last

So I decided to start taking my thoughts captive to Jesus, praying over every thought that was stealing my joy for a few minutes and claiming the mind of Christ...and suddenly, contentment, rest, and joy took over and I truthfully have been able to be completely be joyful the rest of my day just with the joy that only my Jesus can bring. Humility, and willingness to deny your flesh, is also what this all boils down to. I pray that this daily task of of denying the flesh and feeding the Spirit will begin to be a better habit of mine. For the Word says I am a new creation. The old is gone, and the new has come. Therefore I should be acting like one.

Our Garden - a Work in Progress

2008-05-24T15:01:00.001-07:00

We spent the day today as a family gardening some more. We tackled some more of a flowerbed that we had redone about a month ago. Then we finally were able to redo the bed directly in front of our house that needed it soooo badly. The big flowerpot with the cascading Petunias and the Caladiums around it are all new. It is a vast improvement. Wish I had thought to do the before and after thing so you could see the big change. We are quite thrilled with the outcome of our hard work today though. And no, I really don't like to garden, but it really needed to be done, and now I'm glad we did it.

Bekah and Faith hard at work

Above and below: Tim and I's gardening project 99% finished

Our Camping Trip

2008-05-19T08:09:00.001-07:00

We spent this past weekend camping at Krause Springs in Spicewood, TX with our friends, the Steuerwalds. This was my 1st camping trip ever with kids in tow. I think it's honestly been at least 10 years since I've camped overnight somewhere and I'm happy to say that it will go down as one of the best camping experiences I've ever had. The fellowship was wonderful. The kids were all quite delightful, and even though Tim and I and 5 kids (Hannah, Faith, Rebekah, and niece and nephew Ethan, and Serah) all shared a 10-person tent, we all had 2 full nights sleep. Can we say miracle?

Probably the only complaint was the interesting group of Unitarians in the campsite next to us that decided to play their banjos, fiddles, and yodle and sing folk songs quite loudly for hours each night including "What Can You Do with a Drunken Sailor", followed by "Amazing Grace". Talk about diversity. But we have since learned, that's what they are about: diversity. It was quite an experience, but I figure now it gives us a story to tell. We also saw some oh so bold racoons lurking around the camp each night. One even walked right up to our table as we were sitting just a few feet away around the campfire. Then we got to hear some racoons squabble with each other that sounded like the tasmanian devil was just down the hill from us. And the funny thing is, just minutes before that, one of us was asking what a racoon sounded like. And boy did they answer us.

Here's the beautiful spring-fed swimming hole that the kids swam in near our campground

Hannah getting ready to take her 1st jump in the frigid water. And yes, they swam in it anyways. Honestly, I lasted about 5 minutes.

As you see, the trees around there were huge and just breathtaking. This one was right on our campsite. The kids really enjoyed playing in it.

Between our family and the Steuerwald family, we had a total of 7 kiddos. Here's 5 of them inside the BIG hollow Cypress tree at our campsite.

The kiddos eating breakfast around the campfire

Our camp cook, Chef Steuerwald. We were quite spoiled by the amazing food that he cooked for us. Thank you, D.R.!

In Light of the Last Post...

2008-05-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

Someone said at our last Home Group meeting that as long as we are feeling condemned as if in a in a courtroom, we remain useless. We can't reach the lost when we are too consumed by our own guilt and condemnation. How can we tell someone who is lost that they can be free from a life of sin, guilt, and condemnation, when we can't believe it ourselves. What sins are we still reeling over and feeling condemned for that we aren't receiveng the cleansing blood of Christ for? For me, a few examples are, I still struggle when I know I've lost my temper once again with my kids, or chose something over my kids when they so obviously needed me, which pretty much still happens every day at some point, or say something to my husband that I know makes him upset, yet I do it anyways. But the voice that keeps coming to me is from my Savior when I want fear condemnation and I hear His voice say "Abide in Me". "There is no condemnation for this who are in Christ Jesus". The enemy knows what keeps us from being useful for God's kingdom, and when we allowthe voice of the enemy condemn us, he will take us to a completely useless state of being. Choose to listen to the voice of God, and the freedom will come. Also, anytime that voice of guilt and condemnation comes at you, claim the power of Jesus' blood over that sin, thank Jesus for His forgiveness, and move on. Like I said before, the enemy will take flight at that point.

Please go to the More Than Conquerors blog to read Tim's amazing explanation of why we still sin even though the Bible says we are free from sin. I have banged my head against a wall on this very subject for too long, but God gave Tim a wonderful revelation about that whole thing. It has answered my questions on it, and it will help you see why we continue to sin even when the Word of God says we are no longer slave to sin.

Father God, thank you for the cleansing power of Jesus blood that you have given. And thank you for the unending love and patience that you have for us, despite our shortcomings, misunderstandings, and all out stupidity sometimes. Though I do not feel worthy of your love, you have made me worthy by your Son Jesus Christ. Help me to receive that each and every moment of every day, and walk in the freedom that I was so freely given. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

What a week

2008-05-09T06:39:00.000-07:00

Our church has been participating in and celebrating a world-wide call to Pentacost which is known as "10 Days to Pentacost" as we have had prayer meetings every night at the church and elsewhere since May 1st. The Lord really has burned in mine and others' hearts to begin believing again all that God has promised to us through His word and we have fallen so short to wordly pleasures over Him and His promises and blessings. One of the visions that I got was that God has to tear down idols (worldly possessions)and/or we have to be ready to lay down our idols that we have replaced Him with, before He can move how he wants to. We sometimes ask Him to reveal Himself mightily but we are unwilling to lay down our idols so He can move. He is just waiting. I know I have things I still need to lay down, yet at this time, God is not really being clear about what that is, or I am just not hearing him right. I'm still praying about that.

But in the process, God is speaking to me through a study that our Home Group is doing of the book "The Normal Christian Life". It is based out of Romans, which has always been kind of a hard book for me to delve into. But with being able to talk it out with Tim and others, God is revealing so much about the value and satisfaction that Christ's death, burial, and resurrection is to me and everyone in the world. I couldn't believe it took til I was 32 years old and a Christian for 24 years before I GOT IT! God sent His son to die so that we can be reconciled to Himself for eternity. We can't nor have we ever been able to attain that. It was only accomplished by Christ's shed blood and death on the cross. The blood was shed for our "sins".The cross was bore for our "sin nature". We sin because we were born sinners. We are not sinners because we sin. It is our nature to sin, so God had to do something about that. I know that this has been taught to me before, and I've heard it many times in my life, but for some reason I couldn't completely grasp it to the point that I could live it out

So God gave me a vision last week to help me grasp the value of Christ's shed blood that was a huge light-bulb moment for me. I never really could grasp what the blood meant for me or any of us, but now I have. So here it goes.

When I am walking around in condemnation over my sin, I might as well be sitting in a courtroom waiting and actually expecting a death sentence (even thought I am eternally saved). The enemy has me where he wants me and is throwing every sin at me, accusing me of what I did wrong that day. God is my judge and Jesus is my Advocate or Defender by the way in this setting. Then God asks Jesus to bring Him a bowl of shed blood to the Judge's desk. At tha moment, God says, "I am satisfied with this blood". Bethany is free and will always be free. I did nothing to attain that. It was freely given because God said the shed blood covered all my sins. Why the blood? We really don't know, but that's what God said, and it is our responsibility to believe God's word. Therefore I should never be putting myself in the courtroom again. So how many times do we put ourselves back there so God can remind us of His forgiveness? He has already forgiven us! It happened 2000 years ago and it still remains. We don't have to grovel for it or ask for it. We should confess things, but God says "your sin is as far from me as the east is from the west." It is forgotten and you are forgiven and it has been forgiven even before it happened. So now we can approach Him every day with boldness by the power of the blood of Jesus. And we can use the blood of Jesus as a weapon to ward off the enemy whenever he wants to condemn us for screwing up yet again. The devil can't argue with Christ's shed blood. He was there when it happened for goodness sakes. He saw it happen. And we have victory because of it. Thank you Jesus!

I am still trying to chew on so much more, so this is just the beginning my sure...

friends and turtles

2008-05-02T13:38:00.001-07:00

We had a play day at Gramma's (my mom's) house today. I had my friend, Ally, and her two girls come with us to play and swim in the kiddie pool. While we were there, my dad came home with a turtle he rescued when he saw it crawling across a busy street. Needless to say, the kids were thrilled with their new little friend.

new family photos

2008-05-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

Here they are!

Some new pics!

2008-05-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

Here's some pics that are sort of in conjunction with my last post. We've had a fun few weeks! I put some of the garden we planted together and just some random others.

A New Direction and Focus

2008-04-29T18:15:00.001-07:00

If y'all haven't read Tim's blog, he has been doing a great job updating everyone that reads on there all that God has been challenging our Waters family to do.
I'll try to list some things from my side of it:
For one, we have cancelled cable for several months in an effort to spend more quality time together, both as a couple, and as a family. I have seen nothing but positive things of it. I was not real glued to the tv as I had only 2 shows a week that I watched regularly, so taking that away was not a big deal to me, but Tim admits that the 1st week was tough for him. But it's not so hard anymore as he is seeing the fruit of this step of obedience. The girls have still had DVD's to watch or some recorded programs that we have. But I am able to monitor their time on the tv much better that way, instead of having the endless show after shows on the kid's channels, which I admit was hard to pull them away from. Needless to say, their tv time has diminished greatly!
We have also wrote a list of things as a family to do together. The girls listed their ideas and we have them hanging on the fridge for reference. I was amazed at how simple they were, yet were just what we need to do to learn to enjoy each other more. We have implemented a few already.

We've been helping Hannah practice her volleyball skills outside more, and as a result, Faith is even learning how to play at the young age of 5. Hannah is improving her skills more and more at each game and it is getting more and more exciting to watch her grow in this area. And we're having fun in the midst.

The girls and I planted a garden together a few weekends ago, also with Gramma's much appreciated help, which I wanted to post pictures of, but have misplaced my camera at the moment. But that was a special memory that I will never forget. And the girls are staying very involved in watering it and keeping it going, which I am so thankful since I am not much of a green thumb.
These are just a few things. I will add more as I remember.

As I had spoken briefly before, there are other more difficult things that the Lord led me to lay down and I am seeing more confirmation from Him of why he led me to do so. There is a specific friendship that I was in that had brought many blessings to my life over the years, but in the recent past, had been rather out of balance and consuming in a negative way, to the point that my marriage, relationship with God, and family, as was my friends' same relationships were suffering. We kind of became a hindrance instead of a source of growth for each other. So, the Lord specifically told me, then later confirmed to both of us together, that there was some major work He needed to do in her life and in mine individually and that we needed to go our separate ways. The toughest part is that we still see each other at church, and are still learning how far to take this, which kinda makes my church experience right now a bit wierd at times. But at the same time, I am so yearning for God's voice, that I am receiving everything that He is telling me and am determined to walk it out. Absolutely determined! And that is never a bad thing. I just know today that God has me right where he wants me, and many strongholds are being lifted already because of it in my life and in this friend's life, yet I still battle the guilt of feeling like I've abandoned a friend. I know that is the enemy, and I am having to keep my focus on the right things to allow God to work this all out in His perfect, mysterious way.
More blessings that have come is that my depression and anxiety has been gone for 3 weeks now, and as Tim puts it, I have a lighter kick in my step these days. I am so enjoying God's presence all around me and the beautiful presence of my 3 sweet girls and my amazingly wonderful husband.
Which leads me to say, the best thing thus far that has come of this, despite a closer relationship with my Lord, is that Tim and I are closer than ever and we are becoming best friends again. Now THIS is the marriage that I signed up for :). It would not have happened had I not chose to follow God's voice the past month. And I know the same is happening with my friend and her husband. And I know God has much more that He wants to do. I am so thankful that I have a faithful Saviour who knows what is best for each and every one of us and walks us through every step of our lives to fulfill His purpose. God is SO GOOD!

Until next time...

My husband's blog

2008-04-16T06:44:00.001-07:00

There were some things I was going to share regarding decisions Tim and I have made for our family, but lo and behold, he beat me to it. If you are interested, go to the "More Than Conquerors" blog that is on my blog list and scroll down til you see the pic of my 3 sweet girls and you will be reading what direction God is taking us.

Here is the Link

http://the-abiding-life.blogspot.com/

The Potter and the Clay

2008-04-15T06:35:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 64:8

Yet, O Lord, you are the Father,

We are the clay, you are the potter;

we are all the work of your hand.

I'm returning temporarily because my heart and mind are so full of what God has shown me this past weekend. This stuff is too good to not put out here. God is so faithful and he has put my focus back to the right place.

I attended our Women's Retreat for Central this past weekend and boy did God prepare me for what was revealed. All the trials I've been thru and decluttering God is doing in my life has set the stage for me to receive so much out of the beautiful message of the Potter and the Clay.

The speaker for the weekend is a real potter who has her own pottery business, but uses her talent also as offering to God, as she travels around and teaches church groups about all of the amazing parallels between how a piece of pottery is made vs. how God, our own potter in our lives, molds and makes us in our daily lives here on earth.

This is a lot of the meat that the Lord gave us to chew on and live out this past weekend:

-God wants to re-work us over and over until He is pleased. That is the forgiveness of God. And also the way God continues to keep us useful for his kingdom. He is a God who gives us endless chances to be surrendered into His hands so that He can shape and then re-shape us into His purpose.

-Clay can be re-molded many times before it is put in the fire for the final step before it becomes an actual pitcher or bowl to be usable, or whatever it is shaped into. Yet, the more clay is re-worked, the more moldable it is before it is made into use. The more God remolds us and reworks us, the more moldable we become, therefore He can work into our lives more effectively. It's all about surrender.

-While our speaker was talking in each session, she was always up there creating a piece of pottery. A piece of clay has to be perfectly centered on the wheel to be shaped right. One question is, how centered are we in our relationship with God?

-As she asked this, she would then shape the lump of clay into a beautiful shaped pitcher. But obviously, she didn't have the time or resources with her to make us a finished product. So, she would crush and re-knead the same piece of clay, and then create a new shape. We would cringe when she would crush the clay pitcher or whatever she had made because it was so beautiful, yet she made the point that we get so attached to being a certain way or having certain things so quickly, that we have such a hard time surrendering ourselves or our things to God, so that he can reshape us for use in a new chapter of our lives. That was a biggy for me.

-There is importance in the waiting for a piece of clay to be ready before you put through the fire or kiln. If it is put through that too soon, it will explode into a million pieces. Sometimes in our lives, we jump into something too soon before we sit and wait on God to show us where he wants us. It's the being still and waiting on the Lord that this society is so bad at. How many of us just barrel forward into a position that God never intended for us to be in and then we burn out or even explode over and over and therefore become useless.

-We are broken vessels because of sin in our lives. But praise the Lord Jesus that he has put the pieces back together through his love, patience, and sacrfice. He has made perfection out of something so imperfect. Something we could never do on our own.

-We fall into the temptation of comparing ourselves to others. We are a "bowl" or a "vase" when we wish we were a "pitcher". But God made us the way he made us, and we have to ask the Lord how he wants to use us.

-Pottery is made to be used. Some people buy pottery and display it on a mantle. But the true intention of it is that it should be used. The potter said that she likes to see her pottery being used for a purpose, not to be just displayed on a shelf. God didn't make us the way he did so we can just sit and look pretty or be displayed on a pew but not be used. But we also need to make sure we aren't trying to "be a bowl full of candy" when God wants us to "pour out like a pitcher".

-Last but not least, it is the pain of the fire that changes our character, so we can actually be used. A clay molded into something but not put in the fire is useless. Some people rather just be a lump of clay their whole lives and sit in a church pew every Sunday, but are not willing to go through fiery trials to build their character and then be usable. Sometimes God has allowed us to become a lump of clay again though so he can have a place to start over and re-shape us into His image and use us for his service. We just have to be willing to let him complete what He has started.

Taking a Break

2008-04-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

I am really feeling the need to lay this little part of my life down for a bit. There is some de-cluttering to be done in my life right now as I mentioned in my last post, and it includes laying some stuff down for a while that I've enjoyed even, including this, and I'm trying to re-organize priorities and all. I will return hopefully before too long and will be able to start fresh. God is doing great stuff right now and I don't want to hinder him in any way. Thank you all for your encouragement. It has meant so much. Please check out some of the blogs I have posted on the left column. Tim's is the "More Than Conquerors" one in case you're curious.
For those who are looking at this for the first time, there is plenty of stuff from the past few months that I've posted and feel free to play with my music playlist at the bottom of the page. It is all my favorite stuff. Love you all and God bless.

God is Doing a "Spring" Cleaning on Me

2008-04-04T06:20:00.000-07:00

Who may ascend the hill of the LORD ?

Who may stand in his holy place?
4 He who has clean hands and a pure heart,

who does not lift up his soul to an idol

or swear by what is false. Psalm 24:3-4

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

First of all, I wanted to say thank you to those who have sent encouragement to me in regards to my blog and what God is using to bless others. I am so humbled. I really had no idea what starting a blog would entail, but it has been so encouraging to see how God is using it for others. I've never been the "teaching" type, and really have never been much of a writer, but what an incredible opportunity God has given me to reach out and touch others through my little life here on earth. I am starting to truly believe that it is through our testimony of our journey with the Lord that we can help others in their journey as well. So keep passing it on.

These past few weeks have not been all daisies and roses in many aspects of my life. God has definitely been working on me in some areas in ways that have made my heart feel a little battered and bruised. And I'm having to come to him for healing in that. I have had to make some tough choices through some difficult circumstances this week that really just wasn't fun to make. I'm not coming to talk about the circumstances as much as I am sharing what God is still trying to pound into me through these circumstances. Having a pure heart, and remaining steadfast with Him. I have been praying for God to teach me how to have a heart of integrity, and boy has he been teaching me.

For 32 years of my life, I have been somewhat of the follower-type, people-pleaser, quick to make peace kind of person. I see that there are times when that trait is needed, but I had been so used to that way of being that I never got good at making tough choices for myself or others, that might ruffle feathers between me and others at first, but in the end, is the right choice. And truthfully, that way of being has been the root issue I believe of some anxiety and depression that I have been battling for a year or so now. I've been surrounded all my life with very strong-willed people. I know God was sovereign to some degree in that, but I also know that some of it was that I chose to be with these people because they could just make decisions for me, and it was easy for me be the follower.

I've realized recently though that my integrity had become so shallow because of it. And when conflict arises, I want to run away or if that's not a choice, I crumble, because ultimately I'm not confident in my choice-making. I'm not listening to the voice of God for answers, and instead just listening to the voices of man and the enemy and trying to find my choices with that. And God is such a good God that he just wouldn't let me stay there anymore. "Hello, Bethany, it just doesn't work that way!", is what God has been trying to tell me lately. And I believe it has also become a root problem that had caused trouble in my marriage and some close relationships. But, as I have slowly become more of a confident individual in the past month or two, it has made my marriage grow more than ever. Tim came out and told me recently how attractive it was to have a confident, decisive wife. Who'da thought? That was a big light-bulb moment for me.

In that, I finally realized that others really want me to be true to myself too, have a heart of integrity, be real, and not try to say or feel a way that "just feels good" or what will make the other person happy all the time. There's a time for encouragement and uplifting, but some things just don't allow that to always be the right answer. Because who can trust someone who just wants to say what feels good? So I've been praying for God to get me to the point where I have a heart of integrity in every situation that arises, I can be confident in my ability to make right choices, and be able to stay in tune to God's voice over all the voices that are trying to sway me in their direction. Because the multiple voices will eat me alive if I try to please everyone. This passage has been the verse that describes my life lately, and is exactly what God is teaching me. I remember memorizing this in my late teens and wondering what all of this really meant. Now I know!

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. (James 1:2-8)

Little Weekend Trip...

2008-03-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

I took a trip with my parents to Tyler, TX this weekend without kids to visit some family up there and go on the annual Historic Home Tour and see the Azalea trails with them. This was my first time to Tyler.

The 7 historic homes we were able to walk through were very fascinating. I have posted a picture of my favorite home we walked through along with the hostesses dressed in their historic gowns, and the Azalea gardens were just breathtaking as you see in the pictures.