Reckless Abandon

Luke 4:22-28
All spoke well of him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from his lips. "Isn't this Joseph's son?" they asked.
Jesus said to them, "Surely you will quote this proverb to me: 'Physician, heal yourself! Do here in your hometown what we have heard that you did in Capernaum.' "
"I tell you the truth," he continued, "no prophet is accepted in his hometown. I assure you that there were many widows in Israel in Elijah's time, when the sky was shut for three and a half years and there was a severe famine throughout the land. Yet Elijah was not sent to any of them, but to a widow in Zarephath in the region of Sidon. And there were many in Israel with leprosy in the time of Elisha the prophet, yet not one of them was cleansed—only Naaman the Syrian."
All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this. They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him down the cliff. But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.

I'm getting back into my daily Bible reading. This is part of the passage I was reading last night. I read through it and was actually a bit frustrated at myself because sometimes these stories of Jesus just don't penetrate my heart like I want them to. They kind of bounce off of me and I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from it. Why did Christ walk away at the end of this passage? Is He really that heartless that He would just leave those people like that? So as I was honest with God about my questions and concerns, I asked Him to reveal something to me through this. About Jesus, about me, whatever He wants. And sure enough, I haven't been able to get this passage out of my mind since. And boy has God been revealing!

First of all, this passage reveals the human condition. And I have to realize that Jesus wasn't actually even surprised by their actions. He knew their hearts before He even got there. And knew the cross was necessary for this reason. Look back at what this passage says. First the people were amazed and speaking well of Jesus when He was speaking what they wanted to hear and all the grace coming out of Him. But as soon as He spoke some truths that they didn't want to hear, they wanted to throw Him off a cliff. Suddenly He wasn't that feel-good Jesus that makes everything feel better in a snap that we think He is supposed to be. No, He was being the real Jesus. He is good alright, but He isn't always out to make us feel good if it is to bring us to the place we need to be. We don't know what happened to this group of people after He left, but I like to believe that they were later humbled by what His message of the cross really was if they ever were to hear it again...which brings me to my next point...Jesus' heart for relationship.
He was looking for people Who wanted a relationship with Him. And as soon as He was rebuked, He moved on to find someone who would follow Him. But did He leave them with a hard heart? No He left them knowing that soon after, the cross would take care of His relationship with them. He knew the story wasn't over. And as we know, there were only a select few out of His disciples who did actually follow Him all the way to the cross for shear loyalty. Most everyone else nailed Him there.

Wow! Is it just me or can you relate to this wishy-washy way of living and supposedly "following" Christ? We want feel-good Christianity...not the kind that requires us to abandon all our desires and dreams so we can follow Christ simply for Who He is and not what He might do for us. The second we don't hear what we want or don't have our prayers answered, or are asked of something too hard, we just want to "throw Him off a cliff" and abandon Him first to "protect ourselves" from anymore hurt. And we only know where that leads us.

Last Sunday night at church we had an awesome discussion about what Christianity really involves. And when it is said to take up our cross and follow Him, taking up our cross means to deny our own selfish wants and desires for His. They were traded out at the cross anyways so what are we holding on to? Our flesh was crucified ALONG with it's passions and desires way back then. We can't hold on to the flesh and the cross at the same time...and follow Jesus. It just doesn't work that way. That was a huge revelation for me. Not a new one, but a fresh reminder of how skewed my view has been. But the good news is that we have freedom to choose to pursue what He was out to accomplish and that is ultimately to have unbroken relationship and fellowship with Him....if we choose. I guess the way to know if we are messing it up is if we are putting things we want ahead of having a relationship with God? I'm sure all of us can think of something. We're human and we live in a fallen world. The first commandment says to have no other Gods before Him...we mess that up daily. But there is no condemnation in this because the cross took care of our human, worldy condition. Therefore we can choose to follow Him today and every day so He can show us what the cross accomplished. I know I haven't seen enough of that in my own life...but know I'd like to.

All in all, are we asking God to follow us? Are we trying to "throw Him off a cliff" because He didn't tell us what we wanted? Or are we willing to jump of the cliff with Him and whole-heartedly follow Him?

Living What We Want to Teach

This may hurt to read, but when it comes to what we teach our kids, how many things do we really do that we tell our kids to do? Ouch! Don't you love those punches in the gut?

So yeah, today, I was cleaning my house like crazy. This part of me doesn't pop up very often but when it does, watch out. I can be a bit of a control freak about the house looking somewhat clean or functional a lot of the time. Funny thing is, when it comes down to it, I really stink at organization and I'm really bad at sticking to any kind of routine to help keep things simpler. Therefore I'm usually always unrestful about the state of my house and I'm terrible at teaching my kids how to do their part. I hate that about myself. It's a daily battle. I'm usually overwhelmed with housework and avoiding my duties...and resenting them...or I'm racing around all over the place to clean like a crazy woman and "stomping" on my kids if they get in my way...and getting upset at them for not doing their part in helping me out or if they mess up what I just cleaned. Yeah, this is not ok to do, is it?


So today I was doing just that. Anything they left out, I told them to pick up or told them to not mess anything up. I was a drill sargeant by the end of the day. And the reason being, I was actually expecting them to automatically be something at age 11, 6, and 5 years of age that they really couldn't be...that actually in my 34 years on this earth, I can't even be. How fair is that? I mean how often do I treat what God has freely given me to enjoy and also to take care of so passively and unmindful? Too often! I have to hope that God is speaking to me about this for a reason. Because I'd like that to change.

Some people are there, I know. But I bet it didn't happen at an early age. Some people floor me at how mindful they are that everything they own is not theirs. And that they are to do everything as unto the Lord...and treat everything given them in a way that pleases Him. That includes our time, bodies, our children, our homes, our finances, and of course His beloved children (and that means everybody...everybody), and I'm sure there's more I'm not thinking of.

So my conclusion is, God needs to do some serious transforming in me before I can ever expect my precious children to even get what it means to treat everything as if it is the Lord's and to not take anything for granted. I still should be teaching them no doubt. But I'm not sure how good I'll be at it unless I'm really living it myself.

Another Year Has Passed...

So I've been trying to think of the highlights that encompassed 2009 for me. With my ADD brain, sometimes compartmentalizing things in my head is an impossibility so I'm hoping as I type, it will come.
I'm starting with what is under the category as "new" or "a horizon" in my life that happened in 2009.

1. First and foremost, we have a new family member living in our house...and no, it's not a baby. It's my sweet sister-in-law Becky who has moved down here from NY. She didn't plan to stay with us longer than a few months, but lo and behold, she is still here waiting on God's timing to find her a new place to live....which is completely fine by us. Thankfully she has found a church home, new friends, a good job, and even a very nice boyfriend. All the chips are falling in place so far. I just hope she isn't sick of us yet because we are certainly not with her. Quite the contrary. She has been nothing short of a blessing to have around and we will miss her when she does find her own place. And as a little extra, the chips are falling in place for my mother-in-law to move down in 2010, which will be very exciting!

2. The next new thing I can say that really developed in 2009 is the new community of friends that God has brought into my life. And strangely enough it's not even really within my church. I tend to be someone who surrounds myself with friends regularly. I'm a very social and relational person, yet toward the beginning of last year, I was missing the sense of community we (Tim and I) had a few years back through some relationships at church. Dynamics changed, people moved, relationships changed, etc. and we were kind of left wandering around when last year started...at least I was. I admit I don't do well when I feel out of sorts in that area. Then thru a series of circumstances, we started rekindling some old friendships, then that led to new friendships that we met through these old mutual friends...and then some of us ladies started meeting weekly as a prayer group with new and old friends...and we still are...and Tim and some of the husbands had been already meeting separately even before we were. Now here we are and we have a group of friends that I really believe have been God-ordained into our lives. It's been awesome! We genuinely love to be together. And after the year we've all shared together, we were able all spend the last day of 2009 together. No other way to do it in my opinion! Some of these people I've known for less than a year, some for many years, yet I feel I've known all of them my whole life. And I dearly cherish the love that we all have for each other and thank God for them. It will be etched in my heart for a lifetime.

3. I also must mention a dear childhood/family friend that I have been able to rekindle my friendshship with this past year thru Facebook. Amber, I really consider you another "new" soul sister to me in so many ways and I thank God for bringing you back into my life. May our physical distance never keep us from remaining close at heart. I look forward to sharing more life together over a new year and hopefully even the next decade...and beyond. Love you, my friend!

4. My marriage has hit many new heights. Though we still have our bumps, we have definitely come to a new level of love for each other that can not go unmentioned for 2009. We celebrated 12 years of marriage in June and am so glad to say we are happily approaching 13 years. I love my husband.

5. Tim and I also have come to a new understanding of what God's love looks like. We went through some un-doing several months back and our whole mindset began to be transformed about the whole lie of thinking we are still earning God's love vs. the truth that God's love never changes no matter who we are or what we have done...or will do. It's a beautiful freeing thing when you can live it out. We said it for years that God's love is enough but to live it out is a whole other thing. Though living it out is the hardest part as we are changing old mind habits, it is still hopeful to know that God's love is always enough, even when we don't "get it" or are able to receieve it moment by moment. He is never surprised by where we are at, what we have done, or what we will do. He created us in His image and His love has conquered all the sin that tries to encompasses our lives. Thank you, Father, for Your unchangeable, everlasting love for your children.
6. We have also begun a new endeavor of going to the Sunday night service at church and leading a Bible Fellowship as well. We love the new schedule, new worship music, and the class is moving along pretty well. It's always a challenge to develop community with a brand new group of people so we are just trusting God as He keeps us in this place of leadership. And we just hope some fruit comes of this step of faith we are taking.

6. We have had a 1st grader and a 5th grader start school in the fall of 2009. Faith (our 1st grader) is sailing through her reading. She is very artistic and truly loves school. Hannah (our 5th grader) has been dealing with an overabundance of homework and has struggled for the first time in her 5 years of school. It has been a new experience for her and for us to see our smart girl get so overwhelmed. But we're working through it and she is still a great kid nonetheless. We are very proud of her. She is also becoming an excellent volleyball player. She just finished her 5th season of playing. Her coach this fall was very instrumental in her growth. We wish we could have this same coach in the spring but she had to retire from this league after the fall. We hope to see more great games and growth in Hannah this spring in whatever team she ends up in.

Here is the category of "same ol', same ol' (everyone's gotta have those):

1. Though God is still very real, so is an enemy who doesn't give up. Through some of the past blogging I've done, it's no new news that there are still many hurdles that I still grapple with...and the enemy tries to throw them at me daily. Pride, selfishness, confusion, apathy, condemnation, and the great question "Is God really enough"?, And there's also the other big question of, "Is my life really reflecting what I say or what I want to reflect"? I pray 2010 will bring some new freedoms with it as the enemey tries to use these things to try to run my life in the day-to-day. God is a big God and is into doing more than we could ever ask or imagine. Our youth pastor challenged us last Sunday to stop depending on ourselves for change, but believing the big things that God can do in 2010. I'm still working on my list. My prayer right now is, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief". That's about as far as I've gotten.

2. In 2008, the economy began to hit us pretty hard. With Tim being in sales, it can always be a gamble when the economy is struggling. Sure enough, 2009 has turned out to be no different, in fact has been one of our toughest years yet financially. But in the midst, God has taught us to simplify some things and really lean on Him completely. And He has helped free me of some control issues I've had over finances. I just THOUGHT I had control...ha! Yeah right! We have also gone down to one car, we don't eat out as much, we are budgetting more, and I've taken on a part time home child care job to help a little. Needless to say, selfishly, I would hope for this year to bring some relief in the area of finances, but we know that God doesn't always work on our time clock, nor does he always use comfort to show Himself more. We shall see what this year brings. I've come to the conclusion that I know nothing...and He knows everything, including what's best for us..much more than we know.

This was long so I'll stop here. But my heart's desire is to see God and know Him more than ever before. So whatever He needs to do to accomplish that, bring it. Please Lord, ignite the fire. Rekindle the passion that I once had. I'm looking forward to the journey ahead for 2010...

Life Isn't Fair, But God Is Good

Ok, so I stole that title off a book I saw in a bookstore the other day. It caught my attention. I didnt' really even have to pick up the book to look at what else it wanted to say. It was enough to get my wheels turning about weather I can really say that and mean it. I think we all can say the "Life Isn't Fair" part and believe it, but how many times do we say the "God is good" part and actually believe it. It's become very cliche to say it. Though our actions will most often prove that we believe differently.
I've been dealing with some attitude problems when it comes to the whole fairness thing. Yet my head tells me all the time that God isn't trying to make life fair, just to offer grace...and unfortunately, we may never understand completely that til we are in heaven. But we are to receive it.
Like, why do I have to constantly pick up after 4 other people in my house only for them to turn around and mess it up again? But when the house isn't kept nicely, who gets the blame for not doing their job? At least I feel I get the blame. Ok, so that was me venting a little but it's just what goes through my head...like daily...and I don't know a mom out there that doesn't think the same way often.
But truthfully, I have been really asking the Lord to take over my heart about this because that attitude makes me miserable, and I'm sure I make my family miserable too. I have still felt so incredibly sinful and ugly when it comes to the spirit that comes out of me in regards to this. Like today, I was having one of my episodes again, "How can they expect me to keep up with their mess all the time?". "There's one of me and 4 of them". "How do I do this and not go insane?" I went in my room and began to weep. I was so mad but more than that, was so mad at myself for still being so selfish and bitter still. "Really, God? Is this who I have be the rest of my life? Where is the Holy Spirit that is supposed to take over when I need it most?"
Then the Lord stopped me in my tracks. First He spoke to me about what I was basing my love for Him out of. We usually only like to spend time with God when we expect something from Him or want something from Him. Ouch! That is not love at all!! So when it comes down to it, how many can truly say that we love God for who He is? That we want to be with Him because of His character. Because we really just like Him and nothing more.
And sadly, the only way I was to relate to that was by thinking of some friends that I love being around because of who they are. And I really don't expect anything in return from them. I just love to be with them because they are a joy to be with. Yet God is so much more, at least that's what His Word says. He will always bring out the best in us. He will always be enjoyable. But more than that, He will always have the character that we long to have and be around.

I confess that I have fallen short of that not only toward God, but toward my family. I have fallen into this trap of only thinking of what's in it for me, and not loving them simply for who they are. Yes, they are gonna treat me unfairly, as is anyone we know, yet I have based my feelings toward them on that. It pains me to think that I have fallen that shallow toward the ones who are to be nearest and dearest to my heart.
I am not falling under condemnation here, just seeing a revelation of how caloused my heart has become. I also realize that it is only by His Holy Spirit that my heart can change. That I am but dust and He is the only one with any hope of me changing. Only through His love, can I love unconditionally again.
So even if life isn't fair, people aren't fair, or we don't think God is being fair, are we gonna believe He is still good...and that those around us are worth the love we are to give to them?

I feel like a hypcrite typing that last part. Because I know I still am processing it all and can't give the "good" answer. But I pray that the Lord will work out what He has stirred up in me. I know I can't do anything on my own, but there is hope, because He says, "All things are possible with God."

Confidence

Confidence....this is an area that I have struggled with my whole life. It is very easy for me to believe myself as one who can't possibly rise above a daunting situation, whether big or small, or be capable of believing that my opinions, decisions, or whatever are the right ones. I don't know where this all started in the 34 years I've walked this earth, but nonetheless, I easily fall into a trap of low self-worth and not feeling I amount to much when it comes to worth. The enemy knows that this is something he still can easily knock me on the floor about. I hate it but it's true. And I want to find the root of it but I can't.
Right now, I'm hurting. For some reason, I have fallen into a mentality that once again what I think or believe don't have much merit to those that mean the most to me. It's easy to speak these things to people I don't know or those out there that I know will encourage me in it, but to be vulnerable to those who's opinions mean a little too much to me, when you know there's a chance they might be in disagreement or be quick to crush your confidence, is sometimes too painful to brush off and still receive the grace that God gives.
There are scriptures after scriptures about only having confidence in Christ who dwells within us, but I can honestly say I haven't come to grips with how that plays out in my struggles. I need to know that what I have in my heart matters, that what is stirring up inside is worth hearing, or that decisions I make will be the right ones at some point. My decision-making skills lack because of all of this. I just need to know that there is still grace attached no matter what I think or do, right or wrong.
Jesus taught grace, plain and simple. And I have no doubt that he gives it to me every breath I take. I'm just still working through how to respond when grace isn't given by people here on earth. And am not sure at this point if I can handle the possibility of being given judgement throughout life in areas that I need grace the most.
I'm sure the enemy has a lot to do with where I'm at right now, but God wants to reveal something through it. I know it! I just don't have eyes to see it just yet.

Lord, open the eyes of my heart so I can see you.

The Wife's Role

I feel this is a good follow-up to my letter to my husband I posted last week. God just gave me a neat picture last night of what my role as his wife is supposed to look like and used something that I love to do the most, to show me clearly.
Over the past several years, I have been given the privelege of being part of our praise team at our church as a background vocal. Worship thru music is something that my heart beats to and it really is a passion of mine. And I love singing harmonies with our worship team the most. I have never felt very comfortable singing solos which also kind of falls in line with my point I'm about to make.
All that to say, last night as I was singing back-up for our band during the evening service, I felt the Lord speak to my heart thru it. He said to me "As a wife, this is really what your role is to your husband". To be specific, I am to be in harmony with my "lead man", my husband, but in a way of support, not a way being out in lead with him. We can hold hands together in our journey, but I am still to let him be the lead. The word says that we are to come up under them, to lift them up and support our husbands, so that they can fulfill their role as the leader of our families.

On the contrary, what does it look like when I am not in harmony with him? It's like "the fat lady singing" behind a lead singer, trying to be in charge where it has not been given, or sounding like a clanging symbol where it is not to be played. This, as we know will only throw off the band leader, and the same goes with our husbands. We play a important role to give our husband an environment where they can feel confident and able to lead out as God has called them. If we try to beat to our own drum, or be in charge where charge isn't given, it then throws him off, along with the rest of the "band" (or family).

We are simply to follow their lead and find a harmony that works with what they are doing, and that applies even if we don't always agree with what they are doing. And in both cases, thru music and thru our marriages, if we can find harmony, we are worshipping our Creator wholeheartedly as one and able to move forward together into His perfect plan.

In reality, I know like probably most women will say, I have fallen so short of this time and time again. This can easily make you feel like it's a standard you can't meet. But the truth is, it's a heart issue. What is your heart beating with today? Is it trying to beat to it's own drum or is it in line with the position God has put us in. This is not a way to make anyone out there feel inadequate or less than me or anyone else. It is just simply a picture of God's purpose in a marriage, something worth praying about and allowing the Lord to work out any "wrong notes" that we may be "singing" as we are living out our marriages.

A Letter to My Husband

To the love of my life,
I know I have not always been the affirmer that you need me to be or the support in ways I should be, but that doesn't mean there isn't a day that goes by that I don't love you more than the day before. I don't know why I can't show it the way I want. But God is working on me about that. But the truth is, my love for you has truly grown in leaps and bounds because of who you are and who you've become through your love for Christ. And I know God isn't finished with us yet in our life together as one flesh and followers of Him.
You have grown into the Godly husband that I began to pray for several years ago more than I could imagine. You have a passion for Christ in a way that I never dreamed possible. And because of that, my passion for Him has grown as well. I am the woman I am today because of your willingness to stick it out and stand by me no matter how difficult I am or what the sacrifice.
We may have our ups and downs, and we will always have hurdles and obstacles that want to get in the way of the growth that Christ is accomplishing in our marriage and relationship with Him but I think those things are exactly what are molding us into more of His likeness. I know I have failed you when it comes to the unconditional love that you've needed from me, but yet you still have loved me despite that, and have never given up. And for that, I am forever greatful. It truly humbles me. I know that the Lord has put us together to sharpen and strengthen each other. You were born to be my husband and my children's daddy. God knew what He was doing when He made you. And His plans yet revealed for you are huge! I know it!

I am thankful to have a husband who has sacrificed dreams and desires to work at a place of pure misery, so that I can be home with my children. I am thankful that you see something in me that most of the time I can't see myself. I am thankful that you always have words of wisdom and encouragement to give when I need it. You are an awesome daddy who's children cherish their every moment with you. Your love for us is evident in your words, your actions, and once again, your sacrifice that you give every day in a workplace that makes you miserable. Not every man is willing to succumb to that for his family. But you have been willing and I am so thankful. This is just the tip of the iceburg when it comes to the love I have for you. But I hope it will give you a little sunshine today to know that I have your back no matter what, and I hope and pray that God will continue to grow me into the wife that I should be for you.

And my prayer for you today is:
Lord, reveal your love for my husband today and every day in a way that he can grasp how intimately involved You are in his life. You love him so much and I pray that he sees You in every part of his life, even the miserable parts, like at work. We don't know what our future holds, but you do, and it is part of your perfect plan. Remind him that You have not left him nor forsaken him. For you are there with him. May you bring him favor and blessing even at work, give him a heart for the lost around him, give him a larger love for You and others that would ultimately bring his joy back into his heart. Show him his purpose there. And may this Christmas season be the best one yet for Tim and for our family. You are enough, Jesus! You are enough! Thank you for blessing my life with a man after your own heart. He is your son and your friend and he is my best friend. And I look forward to walking the rest of our journey along side each other and with You. I wouldn't have it any other way. In the powerful name of Jesus, Amen!