Well, after a grueling week of being tossed around emotionally by some really incompetant nurses at my OBGYN office, having tears of sorrow and loss after being told we lost the baby, then having hopes risen up again for 4 days in fear of them being squashed again while the nurses tried to figure out what the heck was going on with me, it turns out that we indeed are still having a baby..phew...and I'm still exhausted!
This has been a huge test for me of whether or not I can really still stand on what God was putting in mine and my plethera of friends' hearts about the outcome of this despite what the nurses were telling me. There was something deep inside that still wanted to believe that there was a baby still there and I held out until I got the right answer. It all came to head when I prayed desperately for God to grant wisdom to these nurses who were perplexed by some inconsistencies of the medical side of it. On big factor in this fiasco is that my doctor has been out of town this whole time so there hadn't been an actual physician overseeing my case this whole time, just a nurse practitioner...red flag! But after I had prayed for wisdom, the NP finally consulted another OBGYN in the practice on Thursday about the situation and that's when things started finally coming together and we learned that the inconsistencies were only due to lack of judgement on the NP's part in this.
We should NOT have had any ultrasounds until my hormone levels had reached 2000, but they had given me 4 prior to that which was completely unnecessary. And the NP made the wrong diagnosis Monday based on the ultrasound. So when the doctor got wind of my levels going over 2000 on Friday, lo and behold, we went in for an ultrasound again and WALA!! A BABY! They also confirmed that I am not as far along as my dates say I am, which was throwing the NP off as well. She for some reason wouldn't take that into consideration, but the doctor confirmed that I am only 5 weeks instead of 7 and everything is right where it needs to be for 5 weeks...so HALLELUJAH!! We're having a baby!!
But to be truthful, my heart is still working up to the rejoicing part. I am having shake off the emotional roller coaster that I have been through the past week. Everyone around me is rejoicing with us, but I have some things to wrestle with still for sure. I am thankful, I am. But I am actually having to ask the Lord to put my heart at ease and bring out the rejoicing that He wants me to have. Because my flesh is still fighting some fears of what is still to come.
But He is so faithful because He has confirmed to me today through a Bible Study that I am doing currently, that it in obedience and trust that my rejoicing will come! And that He delights in our glad hearts. He has given the wisdom and discernment to the doctors that I totally asked for...and has brought new life back into my heart and has sustained a little life in my womb that I could not have made happen on my own!!
I also don't want to forget to mention that this baby has been bathed in prayer by countless prayer warriors over the past 2 weeks and I have no reason but to walk in thankfulness and a glad heart for what God has done thru this. The amount of love and support that has swelled up around us by our dearest friends and family and from people that we don't know as well but are friends with through facebook...it's just a humbling thing and something we hope to never forget or take for granted. I only hope that we have the opportunity to pay forward to others the unconditional love and grace that was poured into us by our loving Father and by our amazing friends and family, because we could not have gotten through this week without it.
We serve an awesome, living, breathing God who wants to live and breathe into our lives at our deepest time of need...and that is when the "new life" He promises really takes root!
Today is the first day of a new chapter in our lives...let the rejoicing begin!
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" Isaiah 43:18
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Wholehearted Trust
Some who read this may already know, but a week ago today, I found out that I was pregnant. It was a big surprise to us. Then, within 24 hours, I began to have complications. I went to the docs last Monday to do the usual tests and ultrasound. Though things still seem to be in tact, there has been some fear that things may not be progressing like they should from one of the tests they ran. Now we go back Tuesday to do more of the same to get a better idea about what is going on. It has been a roller coaster for me over the past 6 days. I've had every thought, fear, doubt, faith, hope, more fear, you name it going through my mind and heart all week. But as I have been praying and and have had many many others praying for us, the peace that surpasses all understanding has fallen on me the past 36 hours. It's been amazing. I feel good about the outcome and am just having to wait til Tuesday to find out what is going on for sure at this point.
All that to say, I want to share this prayer that the Lord gave me yesterday that I am praying daily, even sometimes multiple times daily, and I'd love to have others join me in prayer if you would like. I am standing on His promises and trusting Him in this, even though I may not feel it all the time.
So here it goes:
Dear Lord Jesus,
I am asking for your manifest power and love to be evident during this time. Thank you that you have set the path before me and that my eternal pleasures are in your right hand. Thank you that you go before and behind me as a shield of protection and as my Shepherd when I am lost and confused. Especially now. I proclaim right now that You are my rock that I can set my feet firmly on no matter what happens or how I feel. Thank you that this life inside of me is in Your arms no matter what.
Father God, I thank you that you love your children and that you love giving good gifts to your children. I will say with an honest heart that I want this baby to survive in my womb and that I want to meet this child face to face while we are still here on earth. But if it is your will to take this child into your arms in heaven, then I will choose to trust that your plan is better than mine, even if my heart breaks, even if I get angry, even if I feel despair, and even if I lose my grip on You or lose faith. Thank you that you never lose your grip on me and that you will ultimately use this experience to reveal yourself to Tim and I in a mighty way. We want your will and your plan over ours, even if we don’t feel it. That is the heart you gave us…to ultimately fulfill your plan and your will.
Lord, I need you now more than I can express and you know that. Help my eyes to be fixed on You and that any other things that want to get me distracted or discouraged, that you will put your hands square on my shoulders, look at my face and give me the strength, courage, and faith to walk forward and seek you no matter what happens. Bless this life in me, bless my friends who have been praying for me. And as a little extra prayer, if it’s your will, make my hormone levels skyrocket to where they should be to sustain this life. And give the doctors and nurses wisdom and a more compassionate and sensitive heart toward me to give me a peace that I am in the right hands with them.
I ask all these things in the name of Jesus,
Amen
Psalm 16:8
"I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."
All that to say, I want to share this prayer that the Lord gave me yesterday that I am praying daily, even sometimes multiple times daily, and I'd love to have others join me in prayer if you would like. I am standing on His promises and trusting Him in this, even though I may not feel it all the time.
So here it goes:
Dear Lord Jesus,
I am asking for your manifest power and love to be evident during this time. Thank you that you have set the path before me and that my eternal pleasures are in your right hand. Thank you that you go before and behind me as a shield of protection and as my Shepherd when I am lost and confused. Especially now. I proclaim right now that You are my rock that I can set my feet firmly on no matter what happens or how I feel. Thank you that this life inside of me is in Your arms no matter what.
Father God, I thank you that you love your children and that you love giving good gifts to your children. I will say with an honest heart that I want this baby to survive in my womb and that I want to meet this child face to face while we are still here on earth. But if it is your will to take this child into your arms in heaven, then I will choose to trust that your plan is better than mine, even if my heart breaks, even if I get angry, even if I feel despair, and even if I lose my grip on You or lose faith. Thank you that you never lose your grip on me and that you will ultimately use this experience to reveal yourself to Tim and I in a mighty way. We want your will and your plan over ours, even if we don’t feel it. That is the heart you gave us…to ultimately fulfill your plan and your will.
Lord, I need you now more than I can express and you know that. Help my eyes to be fixed on You and that any other things that want to get me distracted or discouraged, that you will put your hands square on my shoulders, look at my face and give me the strength, courage, and faith to walk forward and seek you no matter what happens. Bless this life in me, bless my friends who have been praying for me. And as a little extra prayer, if it’s your will, make my hormone levels skyrocket to where they should be to sustain this life. And give the doctors and nurses wisdom and a more compassionate and sensitive heart toward me to give me a peace that I am in the right hands with them.
I ask all these things in the name of Jesus,
Amen
Psalm 16:8
"I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."
Monday, August 9, 2010
The Divine Conspiracy
My husband and I are probably quite comical to God a lot of the time. Sometimes I wonder if our little life here just entertains Him. We are a piece of work sometimes and yet God knew exactly what He was doing when He put us together, even if sometimes I wonder what in the world He was thinking on those rougher days that couples go through. I am just going to list the differences in Tim and I individually and see if you can relate at all:
I am an extrovert to the inth degree.
He is an introvert to the inth degree.
In my perfect world, I would sit and have a two hour conversation with him every day.
He can go a few days without any communication and not skip a beat.
He is a physical touch guy.
I am not a touchy-feely person at all.
He loves words of affirmation.
I never have been good at giving them or receiving them.
I love quality time with him.
Must I remind you again, he is an introvert.
I love to do things outside the house and be adventurous on my free time.
In his free time, he just assumes read a good book for hours on end at home or sleep.
I am the people-pleaser.
He says what he says and well, to Tim, if it ruffles feathers, it's not his problem.
I am impatient about getting things done.
He's the procrastinator.
I want to be pursued and desired.
He many times just wants to be left alone (not meaning this negatively).
I am a woman.
He is a man.
And God knew all of these things when He put us together before we did...well, except that we knew the woman and man part. I had to clarify :). I heard recently from John and Staci Eldredge that marriage is a "divine conspiracy" designed my God to make us not only become more like Him but also to make us need Him more than we would ever otherwise. It's also defined as something that joins two broken people who love each other but also desperately need Him to keep them together and to create one-ness that can only come thru and remain in our Savior. Because if we do things our way, we are sure to keep ourselves in a pile of broken pieces.
Some days, I think I can't go another day with the differences we have individually. Some days, I feel lonely. And some days, he feels like I am too needy. Some days, I nag too much. And some days he probably wonders where the woman he first married went. But the fact is, we are both changing through our journey together and I've noticed that in some ways we are slowly taking on the others' traits sometimes... God is funny that way. Yet one thing we are both becoming more and more aware of is that because of our stark differences, our pursuit of Christ and His pursuit of us are the only thing that are going to keep us glued together.
I still question how to not depend on my husband for things only God can provide me with. I still struggle with waiting for God to bring revelation to both of us at the same time about certain circumstances. But one thing I don't think often enough about is that our relationship is for eternity, and that God is creating a love story between us within a larger Love Story. It may not always look like that romantic movie on the screen, but it is perfect in God's eyes because He sees the outcome. And for that I am truly thankful for the man that He has blessed me with to share that with here and for eternity.
I am an extrovert to the inth degree.
He is an introvert to the inth degree.
In my perfect world, I would sit and have a two hour conversation with him every day.
He can go a few days without any communication and not skip a beat.
He is a physical touch guy.
I am not a touchy-feely person at all.
He loves words of affirmation.
I never have been good at giving them or receiving them.
I love quality time with him.
Must I remind you again, he is an introvert.
I love to do things outside the house and be adventurous on my free time.
In his free time, he just assumes read a good book for hours on end at home or sleep.
I am the people-pleaser.
He says what he says and well, to Tim, if it ruffles feathers, it's not his problem.
I am impatient about getting things done.
He's the procrastinator.
I want to be pursued and desired.
He many times just wants to be left alone (not meaning this negatively).
I am a woman.
He is a man.
And God knew all of these things when He put us together before we did...well, except that we knew the woman and man part. I had to clarify :). I heard recently from John and Staci Eldredge that marriage is a "divine conspiracy" designed my God to make us not only become more like Him but also to make us need Him more than we would ever otherwise. It's also defined as something that joins two broken people who love each other but also desperately need Him to keep them together and to create one-ness that can only come thru and remain in our Savior. Because if we do things our way, we are sure to keep ourselves in a pile of broken pieces.
Some days, I think I can't go another day with the differences we have individually. Some days, I feel lonely. And some days, he feels like I am too needy. Some days, I nag too much. And some days he probably wonders where the woman he first married went. But the fact is, we are both changing through our journey together and I've noticed that in some ways we are slowly taking on the others' traits sometimes... God is funny that way. Yet one thing we are both becoming more and more aware of is that because of our stark differences, our pursuit of Christ and His pursuit of us are the only thing that are going to keep us glued together.
I still question how to not depend on my husband for things only God can provide me with. I still struggle with waiting for God to bring revelation to both of us at the same time about certain circumstances. But one thing I don't think often enough about is that our relationship is for eternity, and that God is creating a love story between us within a larger Love Story. It may not always look like that romantic movie on the screen, but it is perfect in God's eyes because He sees the outcome. And for that I am truly thankful for the man that He has blessed me with to share that with here and for eternity.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Just Rest
God is stirring some things up in me lately and it's been very hard to put my finger on what it is completely and why He is stirring it up. But I can say that it seems the outflow of what is going on within me is just merely the feeling of discontentment, but not necessarily the bad kind of discontentment. The Lord told me yesterday that is actually what some call "Holy discontentment". It's the kind that has made me completely unsatisfied with the status quo. The day-to-day mundane side of life is just not cutting it for me anymore. Though I enjoy some areas of my life for mere enjoyment, and am looking for the silver lining in those areas that just seem cloudy right now, it still is leaving me feeling a bit empty, realizing that there is more to this than finding things to fill my time up just for the sake of getting through the day. For those things that maybe in that moment make me feel happy but leave me empty still later. You probably see where I'm going with this and honestly it has become almost too cliche when you hear that only the Lord can fill these longings, but it is becoming more and more evident and true in my life and He is obviously doing a lot to make this a total reality in my life rather than just head knowledge. I still am working it out and can't say that I feel completely content just in Him yet. But He knows what it takes to get me there.
For example, this whole issue of our finances and not hardly being able to pay our bills month to month. Yet still thinking that if I just had this or that extra thing, it would bring satisfaction. If we could just get our debt paid off, or if we could just go on a nice dream vacation debt-free and with not a worry in the world. Though I believe God is capable of fulfilling this desires, He is obviously trying to accomplish something else beyond my grasp or understanding because those desires just aren't being met at the moment and all I can come up with is that He has to be enough for me. And He is whether I feel it or not.
So the only thing left to do is rest in Him. Rest in His perfect plan that is currently in process, even if it doesn't feel perfect. So much easier said than done. I am to rest when I feel stuck when all I want to do is just get out there and do something that feels useful or productive, or that I have some worth to give to someone (disclaimer: not my own worth but Christ's worth in me) and also move me out of the rut I feel myself in a lot of the time lately. The more of a rut I feel in now, the more I want to get myself out of it. But then I usually find myself back in it. And God just simply says, "Rest"?? How, Lord, how?
In January, the Lord made my heart come alive again thru Discovery. I was able to receive and give love like never before after that weekend and God's love was more real to me than ever. My receiver had been broken for a long time and the Lord repaired it. And by March, I was able to find some direction and purpose out of all of my life experiences that had left me broken for so long. My heart felt free and I was given this driving force from that to love without limits, help others' lives be changed through what God had shown me and love the way Lord has so freely loved me.
But I'm learning more and more that to find a place where people can receive that is few and far between. So many people are still walking around with their "receiver" broken. And I am lately finding myself trying not to let mine break again. Because I am letting words and actions of man leave me disoriented and confused when their responses don't come out like I'd hoped...and at times I just want to shut my heart down because it hurts too much to keep it open. I'm also finding that receiving from others in my time of need can be just as difficult. Lately I've been tested with that greatly and it was tougher than I thought it would be. But I really can imagine now how Jesus felt when it came to giving to others who wouldn't receive it. What a humbling place to be to experience what He did. So here I am still left with this discontentment. Though the Word says that we are to be content in all circumstances, I don't believe we are to be content with the status quo if it is leaving us lifeless, heartless, and loveless. Jesus taught outside the box and I want to live outside that box. But I also have to accept that just resting in Him is as outside the box as you get in this world. Because the world tells us to do the opposite and keep trying until we succeed. But if resting in Him makes our heart open, loving, and full of Him, when the Lord says, "Go be my disciples", we will be ready and willing to go wherever He leads without abandon...and with His love and power...and that is when we will have all we need. So now I must rest...sigh. Again, so much easier said than done.
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. 1 Corinthians 13:1-7 (The Message)
For example, this whole issue of our finances and not hardly being able to pay our bills month to month. Yet still thinking that if I just had this or that extra thing, it would bring satisfaction. If we could just get our debt paid off, or if we could just go on a nice dream vacation debt-free and with not a worry in the world. Though I believe God is capable of fulfilling this desires, He is obviously trying to accomplish something else beyond my grasp or understanding because those desires just aren't being met at the moment and all I can come up with is that He has to be enough for me. And He is whether I feel it or not.
So the only thing left to do is rest in Him. Rest in His perfect plan that is currently in process, even if it doesn't feel perfect. So much easier said than done. I am to rest when I feel stuck when all I want to do is just get out there and do something that feels useful or productive, or that I have some worth to give to someone (disclaimer: not my own worth but Christ's worth in me) and also move me out of the rut I feel myself in a lot of the time lately. The more of a rut I feel in now, the more I want to get myself out of it. But then I usually find myself back in it. And God just simply says, "Rest"?? How, Lord, how?
In January, the Lord made my heart come alive again thru Discovery. I was able to receive and give love like never before after that weekend and God's love was more real to me than ever. My receiver had been broken for a long time and the Lord repaired it. And by March, I was able to find some direction and purpose out of all of my life experiences that had left me broken for so long. My heart felt free and I was given this driving force from that to love without limits, help others' lives be changed through what God had shown me and love the way Lord has so freely loved me.
But I'm learning more and more that to find a place where people can receive that is few and far between. So many people are still walking around with their "receiver" broken. And I am lately finding myself trying not to let mine break again. Because I am letting words and actions of man leave me disoriented and confused when their responses don't come out like I'd hoped...and at times I just want to shut my heart down because it hurts too much to keep it open. I'm also finding that receiving from others in my time of need can be just as difficult. Lately I've been tested with that greatly and it was tougher than I thought it would be. But I really can imagine now how Jesus felt when it came to giving to others who wouldn't receive it. What a humbling place to be to experience what He did. So here I am still left with this discontentment. Though the Word says that we are to be content in all circumstances, I don't believe we are to be content with the status quo if it is leaving us lifeless, heartless, and loveless. Jesus taught outside the box and I want to live outside that box. But I also have to accept that just resting in Him is as outside the box as you get in this world. Because the world tells us to do the opposite and keep trying until we succeed. But if resting in Him makes our heart open, loving, and full of Him, when the Lord says, "Go be my disciples", we will be ready and willing to go wherever He leads without abandon...and with His love and power...and that is when we will have all we need. So now I must rest...sigh. Again, so much easier said than done.This verse really spoke to me last week. I believe it applies to my post because we are nothing and useless without His love flowing through us. And learning to rest in that love is vital.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
It is Done!
God is clearly working overtime to purge this spirit of guilt that I have allowed to consume my life for too long. I think our finances has been the main thing to expose this false belief in me even though I've claimed over and over that I don't live by this lie. But I am here to attest that today that victory is mine! Yesterday, the enemy came in roaring at me through some very unwelcome sources in regards to this whole issue of our finances. The enemy tried to steal what God was doing in me, but it didn't work. In fact, God turned it around on him and used it as an opportunity to help me personally to rid of this false sense of guilt once and for all!! And today, I am claiming victory. After the lies hit me hard yesterday, it was revealed that there was still a part of me that couldn't find the freedom that God has so graciouslly given me in all my areas of sin. And today, God is drawing me to Him closer and closer as to find that freedom I so desperately have needed and didn't even know it.
So I want to share this in hopes that someone out there needs to know that God is a God of love, forgiveness, peace, salvation, and hope. He does not use punishment to bring his children to repentance. He uses love...and Truth!....NOT FEAR. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18.
God is out to make us perfected in love...not fear! So if there is anything in your mind that is making you feel fear, guilt, condemned, or like you can't come to God boldly with who you are or what you've done, rebuke it! It is the enemy. God wants relationship with us. Jesus came so that we can have that and come to Him boldly despite our sin. Christ died so sin can't separate us from Him anymore. He knows we will sin before we do it, but He also knows that He has already paid for it...and He wants us to live free lives!! I know it grieves His heart when we think we have to still pay for our sins. Because many of us still live as if we are! But today, I'm done with that!
So, how do we live by that Truth? This is what His Word has spoken to me. If we come before Him daily, know Him, seek Him first and His kingdom, I think we will be astounded at how our sinful nature will literally melt away. The truth is, we can't make ourselves not sin or bear our own good fruit, but HE CAN...and He has!! He will change us from the inside out in order that the Spirit-man will become strong so that the flesh becomes weak. We just have a choice to feed the Spirit, not the flesh with our daily choices. What we feed ourselves with will be revealed by our fruit. What goes in, must come out. So which is it?
"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4.
The lie that enemy wants to tell us is that we are still attaining or earning something from God that is actually already ours...only to leave us chasing the wind. And the scariest part is that many don't even realize they are still living this way. If we are living the Christ-centered life, we will reflect the finished work that brings Power and Love to and from our lives...not the continual cycle of guilt and condemnation.
It was done on the cross, now will we believe it and live like it?
So I want to share this in hopes that someone out there needs to know that God is a God of love, forgiveness, peace, salvation, and hope. He does not use punishment to bring his children to repentance. He uses love...and Truth!....NOT FEAR. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18.
God is out to make us perfected in love...not fear! So if there is anything in your mind that is making you feel fear, guilt, condemned, or like you can't come to God boldly with who you are or what you've done, rebuke it! It is the enemy. God wants relationship with us. Jesus came so that we can have that and come to Him boldly despite our sin. Christ died so sin can't separate us from Him anymore. He knows we will sin before we do it, but He also knows that He has already paid for it...and He wants us to live free lives!! I know it grieves His heart when we think we have to still pay for our sins. Because many of us still live as if we are! But today, I'm done with that!
So, how do we live by that Truth? This is what His Word has spoken to me. If we come before Him daily, know Him, seek Him first and His kingdom, I think we will be astounded at how our sinful nature will literally melt away. The truth is, we can't make ourselves not sin or bear our own good fruit, but HE CAN...and He has!! He will change us from the inside out in order that the Spirit-man will become strong so that the flesh becomes weak. We just have a choice to feed the Spirit, not the flesh with our daily choices. What we feed ourselves with will be revealed by our fruit. What goes in, must come out. So which is it?
"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4.
The lie that enemy wants to tell us is that we are still attaining or earning something from God that is actually already ours...only to leave us chasing the wind. And the scariest part is that many don't even realize they are still living this way. If we are living the Christ-centered life, we will reflect the finished work that brings Power and Love to and from our lives...not the continual cycle of guilt and condemnation.
It was done on the cross, now will we believe it and live like it?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Oh the Pitfalls
Today I fell into a trap. I went shopping. I talked myself into taking Hannah to get a few new pairs of clothes know we had less the $200 to our name for the rest of the week. Not to mention I had my other two children in tow…who I’m sure would lure me into buying them a few things too. I justified it by seeing it still as a need and not a want. After all, my husband even said I need to get some new clothes for Hannah. All 3 of my kids’ clothes are getting shabby too and I figure a few cheap new outfits won’t hurt especially cheap ones. And my friend tells me last night that this particular store is having a huge sale and she got all kinds of things for $2-$3 apiece for her daughters. So I thought, “wow!” I need to go check that out.
So this morning it was on my mind and figured it would be something to do….even though I just told my husband this morning we have very little money in the bank and I watched him come home for lunch in order to avoid spending money. Nonetheless, I still move forward with my plan of shopping. What kind of idiot am I to not use such common sense? Ok, I know. Enough beating myself us. I’m good at that as you can tell.
I’m on my way to the store, and I keep thinking, “What are you doing?”. But yet I still tell myself that it’s just to check things out and if nothing is within my price range, I won’t buy anything. Whatever!! I get there and of course there’s a plethora of options, clothes all over the place to sort through, sift through, check prices for. Then the kids of course don’t help with their distracting behavior and also Hannah looking so happy shopping with me and looking for clothes. So I just kept looking, and looking, and looking….
…and an hour and a half later, I walked out spending $40 on 12 things. Not too shabby by most standards. Good sales! But that $40 feels like $400 now. I don’t even know how we’ll get groceries for the week and I went and did this? I feel like the scum on the bottom of someone’s shoe. I’m asking God for forgiveness but am feeling so sorry for myself I can’t even fathom receiving forgiveness. So I’m waiting for the shoe to drop, for my due punishment…for my husband to completely light into me when he finds out. Do I go ahead and tell him? Do I wait for my kids to talk about their new clothes only to get caught? I want to run right now…but the thing is, I don’t really want to run from God. I want to run from my husband. I want to crawl in God’s lap though, and I want Him to tell me it’s ok and that my mistakes are not gonna change how much He loves me nor will they change His provisions for us. But the hard part is, accepting and believing that will happen. Will He punish me? Will I get yelled at for this from Tim? Will I never be trusted again? I don’t trust myself, how can anyone else trust me?
Well, as I’ve been typing, God has been speaking to me about this. But before I go on, it's amazing to me how one little slip-up can take the rest of your day on a downward spiral and have you grasping to get back on your step. I wish I could just rewind the tape and have a do-over but here's what I'm learning from this already. I guess nothing goes wasted, huh?
So how would God want me to address this if it were my children? And how does God see me as His child in this? Was He surprised I did this? No. And He will probably see me do it again. This is stirring up a lot of things that I don’t really know how to sort through. When you do something wrong deliberately, but are so scared of your punishment that you can’t face the one who might be punishing you, what lie are you believing about them or you? And what has God done that would make me think he would bring unjust punishment that would affect our relationship? I guess I still don’t know God enough. Does God want to do something that will ultimately cause our relationship to suffer? No. So what is the right response here? God knows I’m beating myself up over this. That’s no secret. What if he doesn’t want to hear me say another word about it because it is already forgiven and forgotten? Because it sounds a whole lot like I’m making this more about me than Him. What if this is so minute in his mind already that He can’t even figure out why I’m still mulling it over and over? But if I accept his forgiveness so easily, doesn’t that just make me feel like I just got away scot free and that I’m accepting cheap grace? Do I deserve punishment? Yes. But God doesn’t use harsh punishment to bring His children to repentance anymore. The word says that He uses the careful instruction and guided discipline of the Holy Spirit. He knows we don’t want to do it again. And He knows we probably will make more mistakes. So it comes down to this. I guess I just need to be willing to accept what it takes to not let this not happen again. And trust that whatever that is, is good…even if it’s hard.
So my response is this:
“God, we have hashed this out enough. I want this offense to be wiped clean and in your Word you say ‘that we can come boldly before you and are washed clean by your blood because our sins are forgiven. They have been cast as far as the east is from the west.’ I just don’t want to accept cheap grace though. I want to accept the grace that is necessary for pure repentance and change in the area of spending habits. So today, I will give over my rights over the finances to You. You are in charge. I simply want to be obedient. So guide me through each day as if this money is not mine to manage…but Yours. Help me change my mind daily to realize that everything comes from You, through You and to You. And please protect Tim and me when this comes up. Prepare us somehow with the grace needed to prevent the enemy from getting between us with our finances. All that we are and all that we have is Yours. I want us to live our lives in that way in all that we say and do. May we give over whatever rights we think are ours that you never gave us. This is gonna take a lot of major discipline probably but I don’t want to be subject of financial traps and attacks anymore. May we pass over the pitfalls that the enemy tries to throw in our path so that we will remain steadfast in Your will and plan. And keep us alert, and pursuing You daily so our lives my reflect You in every area."
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen
So this morning it was on my mind and figured it would be something to do….even though I just told my husband this morning we have very little money in the bank and I watched him come home for lunch in order to avoid spending money. Nonetheless, I still move forward with my plan of shopping. What kind of idiot am I to not use such common sense? Ok, I know. Enough beating myself us. I’m good at that as you can tell.
I’m on my way to the store, and I keep thinking, “What are you doing?”. But yet I still tell myself that it’s just to check things out and if nothing is within my price range, I won’t buy anything. Whatever!! I get there and of course there’s a plethora of options, clothes all over the place to sort through, sift through, check prices for. Then the kids of course don’t help with their distracting behavior and also Hannah looking so happy shopping with me and looking for clothes. So I just kept looking, and looking, and looking….
…and an hour and a half later, I walked out spending $40 on 12 things. Not too shabby by most standards. Good sales! But that $40 feels like $400 now. I don’t even know how we’ll get groceries for the week and I went and did this? I feel like the scum on the bottom of someone’s shoe. I’m asking God for forgiveness but am feeling so sorry for myself I can’t even fathom receiving forgiveness. So I’m waiting for the shoe to drop, for my due punishment…for my husband to completely light into me when he finds out. Do I go ahead and tell him? Do I wait for my kids to talk about their new clothes only to get caught? I want to run right now…but the thing is, I don’t really want to run from God. I want to run from my husband. I want to crawl in God’s lap though, and I want Him to tell me it’s ok and that my mistakes are not gonna change how much He loves me nor will they change His provisions for us. But the hard part is, accepting and believing that will happen. Will He punish me? Will I get yelled at for this from Tim? Will I never be trusted again? I don’t trust myself, how can anyone else trust me?
Well, as I’ve been typing, God has been speaking to me about this. But before I go on, it's amazing to me how one little slip-up can take the rest of your day on a downward spiral and have you grasping to get back on your step. I wish I could just rewind the tape and have a do-over but here's what I'm learning from this already. I guess nothing goes wasted, huh?
So how would God want me to address this if it were my children? And how does God see me as His child in this? Was He surprised I did this? No. And He will probably see me do it again. This is stirring up a lot of things that I don’t really know how to sort through. When you do something wrong deliberately, but are so scared of your punishment that you can’t face the one who might be punishing you, what lie are you believing about them or you? And what has God done that would make me think he would bring unjust punishment that would affect our relationship? I guess I still don’t know God enough. Does God want to do something that will ultimately cause our relationship to suffer? No. So what is the right response here? God knows I’m beating myself up over this. That’s no secret. What if he doesn’t want to hear me say another word about it because it is already forgiven and forgotten? Because it sounds a whole lot like I’m making this more about me than Him. What if this is so minute in his mind already that He can’t even figure out why I’m still mulling it over and over? But if I accept his forgiveness so easily, doesn’t that just make me feel like I just got away scot free and that I’m accepting cheap grace? Do I deserve punishment? Yes. But God doesn’t use harsh punishment to bring His children to repentance anymore. The word says that He uses the careful instruction and guided discipline of the Holy Spirit. He knows we don’t want to do it again. And He knows we probably will make more mistakes. So it comes down to this. I guess I just need to be willing to accept what it takes to not let this not happen again. And trust that whatever that is, is good…even if it’s hard.
So my response is this:
“God, we have hashed this out enough. I want this offense to be wiped clean and in your Word you say ‘that we can come boldly before you and are washed clean by your blood because our sins are forgiven. They have been cast as far as the east is from the west.’ I just don’t want to accept cheap grace though. I want to accept the grace that is necessary for pure repentance and change in the area of spending habits. So today, I will give over my rights over the finances to You. You are in charge. I simply want to be obedient. So guide me through each day as if this money is not mine to manage…but Yours. Help me change my mind daily to realize that everything comes from You, through You and to You. And please protect Tim and me when this comes up. Prepare us somehow with the grace needed to prevent the enemy from getting between us with our finances. All that we are and all that we have is Yours. I want us to live our lives in that way in all that we say and do. May we give over whatever rights we think are ours that you never gave us. This is gonna take a lot of major discipline probably but I don’t want to be subject of financial traps and attacks anymore. May we pass over the pitfalls that the enemy tries to throw in our path so that we will remain steadfast in Your will and plan. And keep us alert, and pursuing You daily so our lives my reflect You in every area."
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen
Monday, June 14, 2010
Real Relationships
You'll have to bear with me with this one. The truth is, I just have so many thoughts and questions flowing through my mind day after day, sometimes minute by minute, I don't even know where to begin most of the time. I've been on a standstill with this blog 'cause I don't know how to get out what I want to say nor even have known really what I want to say. But maybe as I type, the clouds will clear a bit and I'll finally be able to come to some sort of direction.
I know I have felt very discontent with so many things lately and really, truthfully, I don't think it's all bad. But like many, I do struggle with the balance between discontentment from the status quo and just being still and enjoying where God has me, even if I feel he has me on a path where each step feels like more of a mountain most of the time.
Probably the number one question that comes back more than any is, "What is real anymore?" We have the obvious answer that Christ is real. And I'll get back to that. But really when it comes to my relationships with people and how people relate to me, how in the world do I be real without being too real with those that don't want to hear the good, bad, and ugly of Bethany's life? And how do I lay myself aside for the sake of others so that they know they can be real with me and find me to be a safe place to come for comfort, truth, and unconditional love when they need it most. I know I fail at this too often. And it frustrates the crud out of me. Sometimes it's just easier to be away from people altogether. Yet I know that is NOT the answer. I love people too much. Probably way too much. Which is why this is so hard for me.
But seriously, I have been thrust into this realization over the past few years...that just being superficial and sweet with everyone is just not bringing out what my heart's desire nor will it bear that fruit of what Christ's life was about. Keeping things at surface level will not get anyone anywhere. It may have to start that way to build trust or whatever, but it can't stay that way to actually have true, authentic relationships. And it has to go both ways. Both parties have to be willing to go thru some uncomforable things and sometimes the fire to find true authenticity in their friendships. It hurts but has to happen. I've experienced it thru my marriage and one other friendship and am now on the other side where the beauty is shining from it all...all because of what we went through.
Christ is all about this stuff...to go thru the fire with you, to let you stumble and fall but will be right there to pick you back up when you're ready to trust again...and ultimately He is about transforming lives and having an eternal relationship with them now matter how hard it gets for Him or for us.
So my question is...how in the world do we follow that example that He did? Well, unfortunately we WILL have our heart stepped on. Recent happenings have had me facing that to a degree and it hurt bad! But look at Jesus' life. Talk about facing the ultimate rejection. And to become more like him, we must face that too. It's just reality.
(wow, I think I just answered a question of my own? :) )
To add to that here's some specific things that I've run into as I've been pursuing more of authentic approach with people:
So as I look back and reflect on Christ's example, all I know to do is keep my eyes on Him, the One who wants the ultimate real relationship with all of us...and knows how to make that happen. He wants our whole heart. And that's a huge and hard thing for us to give away to him or others that we cross paths with. But that's when relationship really gets REAL! It can get ugly at times but I have to believe it's worth it. We see through the masks, the walls of our hearts and others' hearts, and can become authentic in our relationships...and experience something you can't put a price on. That's what my heart desires...and that's what God's heart desires with us. So if you haven't already, are you willing to get REAL?
I know I have felt very discontent with so many things lately and really, truthfully, I don't think it's all bad. But like many, I do struggle with the balance between discontentment from the status quo and just being still and enjoying where God has me, even if I feel he has me on a path where each step feels like more of a mountain most of the time.
Probably the number one question that comes back more than any is, "What is real anymore?" We have the obvious answer that Christ is real. And I'll get back to that. But really when it comes to my relationships with people and how people relate to me, how in the world do I be real without being too real with those that don't want to hear the good, bad, and ugly of Bethany's life? And how do I lay myself aside for the sake of others so that they know they can be real with me and find me to be a safe place to come for comfort, truth, and unconditional love when they need it most. I know I fail at this too often. And it frustrates the crud out of me. Sometimes it's just easier to be away from people altogether. Yet I know that is NOT the answer. I love people too much. Probably way too much. Which is why this is so hard for me.
But seriously, I have been thrust into this realization over the past few years...that just being superficial and sweet with everyone is just not bringing out what my heart's desire nor will it bear that fruit of what Christ's life was about. Keeping things at surface level will not get anyone anywhere. It may have to start that way to build trust or whatever, but it can't stay that way to actually have true, authentic relationships. And it has to go both ways. Both parties have to be willing to go thru some uncomforable things and sometimes the fire to find true authenticity in their friendships. It hurts but has to happen. I've experienced it thru my marriage and one other friendship and am now on the other side where the beauty is shining from it all...all because of what we went through.
Christ is all about this stuff...to go thru the fire with you, to let you stumble and fall but will be right there to pick you back up when you're ready to trust again...and ultimately He is about transforming lives and having an eternal relationship with them now matter how hard it gets for Him or for us.
So my question is...how in the world do we follow that example that He did? Well, unfortunately we WILL have our heart stepped on. Recent happenings have had me facing that to a degree and it hurt bad! But look at Jesus' life. Talk about facing the ultimate rejection. And to become more like him, we must face that too. It's just reality.
(wow, I think I just answered a question of my own? :) )
To add to that here's some specific things that I've run into as I've been pursuing more of authentic approach with people:
- Not everyone is gonna be honest with you.
- Not everyone wants what you have to give.
- Not everyone is yet capable of receiving Christ's unconditional love.
- Not everyone wants to know every last detail of your life or even to get to know you better even if you want to with them.
- Not everyone is willing to take risks and step away from status quo to be transformed into something better that God has for them.
- And last but not least (this one has been the hardest for me personally), not many trust your heart toward them.
So as I look back and reflect on Christ's example, all I know to do is keep my eyes on Him, the One who wants the ultimate real relationship with all of us...and knows how to make that happen. He wants our whole heart. And that's a huge and hard thing for us to give away to him or others that we cross paths with. But that's when relationship really gets REAL! It can get ugly at times but I have to believe it's worth it. We see through the masks, the walls of our hearts and others' hearts, and can become authentic in our relationships...and experience something you can't put a price on. That's what my heart desires...and that's what God's heart desires with us. So if you haven't already, are you willing to get REAL?
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