Friday, May 29, 2009

The Battle Within

I know a few months have passed once again. It's been tough to put into words where I'm at these days. But I had a friend last week who I haven't seen in over a year ask me how my heart is through the things I told her I've been working on day-to-day. It really forced me to think and be able to put it into terms where my heart is. So I think a good way to put it is that there seems to be a battle raging for my heart right now. And it hurts a lot. And ugly things are coming out of me because my flesh is crying out from the pain. And my flesh doesn't want to submit to the things of God. But the pain still means that things are waking up again, which is good. God is waking up passions and desires I didn't know I had.
I just finished going through the book "Waking the Dead" a few months ago and it is all about waking up your heart from the "sleep" that our day-to-day routines of life can put us it in. We can easily forget what we're put on this earth for. And sometimes it is easier to not be aware that we are in a battle, whether we like it or not. I believe God is waking me up to that reality.
It stems from the verse in Ephesians 5 that says "Wake up, oh sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you". But as we know, when light is shed on the darkness, and it wakes us up, sometimes what we see or feel doesn't feel so good (kind of like the pins and needles when when our limbs are waking up from being asleep or numb) because it's just part of the process. But we know that in the end, there is purpose in it.
There is also an enemy trying to discourage me from walking out what God is revealing. And I have to choose not to believe the lies he wants to throw at me. That's where the battle is raging the most. I am also finding myself clinging to some of these desires at times more than I am clinging to God, and am scared that God will not fulfill them if I hand them over, which in the end, makes them an idol. I have to choose. I'm having to fight so hard not to take my eyes off the One who put these desires in me. Because it is only Him that I can fully trust with them.
But in the midst, I'm praising God for the grace to be able to still enjoy where I'm at. I know it's part of the journey and I must find peace in the midst. I can still laugh, have a light heart most days and focus on the blessing He has already so freely given, and that is God's grace on me. But the reality is, there is a war in the heavenly realm that is battling for my heart, because to God, my heart is worth fighting for. That concept is so hard to grasp. I have issues like a lot of people I've known with believing that I am worth fighting for. But that is the Truth that He has spoken over me and I have to choose to believe it even if I don't feel it. He wants our hearts fully so that He can make it just like His. And it is only by the power of Jesus Christ that makes that possible. I'm excited to see where God is taking me on this journey. It's tiresome at times, but it will be well worth it in the end if I continue to keep my eyes on Him.