Monday, September 20, 2010

Joy in the Midst of Sorrow

I've been putting off updating this because truthfully I haven't really known what I want to say. But maybe as I write, it will come together.
I'm sure many who are reading this have already heard that we did have a miscarriage after all. I opted to have a D&C on Wednesday of last week after the doctor finally came to the conclusion that what I had was a missed miscarriage. Sometime over the course of the month, the baby stopped developing even before there was a heartbeat, but my body just hadn't figured it out. So, to not prolong the already 3 weeks of agony, I wanted to move the "miscarriage" process along as quick as possible, therefore for opted the surgery.
My recovery emotionally and phyically was amazingly easy and quick. And truthfully I was just so thankful to not have the anxiety and rollercoaster of feelings anymore that I was having for 3 weeks during my pregnancy that left me sleepless, restless, and practically nonfunctional on so many levels. It was easier to know how to feel, even in sadness, than it was to not know how to feel at all. And I am experiencing a pretty big sigh of relief right now and enjoying the fact that I can actually sleep again, and think straight.
And by the Lord's hand, He also had prepared me a few days in advance for the outcome we ended up with. I knew before the doctor even said anything last week, that this pregnancy wasn't going to go on much longer. It just took me surrendering my wants and desires and accepting that God was going to do what God was going to do to find peace about it. And I truthfully didn't think I had it in me to carry on in the state that I had been in during the pregnancy much longer. Don't get me wrong, I would have done it if that was God's will. But I may have been a vegetable the whole time with the anxiety that would have come with it. But I guess we'll never know. All I know is that the 3 weeks I just endured was probably some of the hardest 3 weeks of my life! And at this point, the aftermath feels like a piece of cake comparitively.

And today, by God's grace, I am feeling thankful and at peace to know that the Lord knew exactly what I would need to endure everything during and after. And He has shown up mightily over the past month in so many ways. I can't deny that I have experienced Him probably the most through my friends, my parents, my husband, and even through people I hadn't met that were praying for me this whole time. He is so good that way.
He's also been evident through the fruit of what has come out of me despite my circumstance. I was still able to attend a party and dance with joy on Saturday night with my whole heart in the midst of what should be a time of sorrow. I was able to celebrate life and love with my prayer warrior friends on Friday night over dinner and fellowship. I even cleaned and organized my garage on Saturday for goodness sakes! Who does that after a miscarriage?
I was able to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday yesterday by making her favorite dessert and blessing her with our love and hospitality.
And last but not least, God answered a very specific prayer I prayed on Friday. I prayed that He would give me the opportunity to pay forward what many had done for me over the past month by showing sacrificial love to someone else in some way. And He answered greatly! I ended up babysitting a friends' two sweet boys all day Saturday so she could go to work when her sitter bailed at the last minute Friday night. She prayed for God to answer her prayers for a sitter Friday night and she said about 5 minutes before she was going to call into work and risk losing her job, I returned her phone call (not even knowing what she called for). Wow! Is that God or what? So I want to give an extra shout out to God for answering both our prayers so faithfully!

I do not give myself any credit for what I just shared in regards to how I am handling the miscarriage. It's kind of flooring me that I am not in a puddle of tears every day. In fact, I really haven't shed a tear since Sunday of last week before I even saw the doctor to get the final bad news. Not to say I have this great strength because of it. I think God is just giving me a break from the emotional trauma that I had faced for 3 weeks. And I'm gladly taking the break. It is all God and His faithfulness that weaves together these things within what should be a devastating and sorrowful time. He is using this circumstance to build my character, my ability to love, and mostly my ability to know Him more intimately. And I hope that time will not let this part of my life fade out as a distant memory, but that this will all become another tool that God can use for His glory for the rest of my days.

I know sorrowful days will come, as I'm sure the emotions will go up and down as I heal from all of this, but God is my constant and I trust that He will be faithful through it all as He as already been thus far.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

New Life

Well, after a grueling week of being tossed around emotionally by some really incompetant nurses at my OBGYN office, having tears of sorrow and loss after being told we lost the baby, then having hopes risen up again for 4 days in fear of them being squashed again while the nurses tried to figure out what the heck was going on with me, it turns out that we indeed are still having a baby..phew...and I'm still exhausted!

This has been a huge test for me of whether or not I can really still stand on what God was putting in mine and my plethera of friends' hearts about the outcome of this despite what the nurses were telling me. There was something deep inside that still wanted to believe that there was a baby still there and I held out until I got the right answer. It all came to head when I prayed desperately for God to grant wisdom to these nurses who were perplexed by some inconsistencies of the medical side of it. On big factor in this fiasco is that my doctor has been out of town this whole time so there hadn't been an actual physician overseeing my case this whole time, just a nurse flag! But after I had prayed for wisdom, the NP finally consulted another OBGYN in the practice on Thursday about the situation and that's when things started finally coming together and we learned that the inconsistencies were only due to lack of judgement on the NP's part in this.

We should NOT have had any ultrasounds until my hormone levels had reached 2000, but they had given me 4 prior to that which was completely unnecessary. And the NP made the wrong diagnosis Monday based on the ultrasound. So when the doctor got wind of my levels going over 2000 on Friday, lo and behold, we went in for an ultrasound again and WALA!! A BABY! They also confirmed that I am not as far along as my dates say I am, which was throwing the NP off as well. She for some reason wouldn't take that into consideration, but the doctor confirmed that I am only 5 weeks instead of 7 and everything is right where it needs to be for 5 HALLELUJAH!! We're having a baby!!

But to be truthful, my heart is still working up to the rejoicing part. I am having shake off the emotional roller coaster that I have been through the past week. Everyone around me is rejoicing with us, but I have some things to wrestle with still for sure. I am thankful, I am. But I am actually having to ask the Lord to put my heart at ease and bring out the rejoicing that He wants me to have. Because my flesh is still fighting some fears of what is still to come.
But He is so faithful because He has confirmed to me today through a Bible Study that I am doing currently, that it in obedience and trust that my rejoicing will come! And that He delights in our glad hearts. He has given the wisdom and discernment to the doctors that I totally asked for...and has brought new life back into my heart and has sustained a little life in my womb that I could not have made happen on my own!!

I also don't want to forget to mention that this baby has been bathed in prayer by countless prayer warriors over the past 2 weeks and I have no reason but to walk in thankfulness and a glad heart for what God has done thru this. The amount of love and support that has swelled up around us by our dearest friends and family and from people that we don't know as well but are friends with through's just a humbling thing and something we hope to never forget or take for granted. I only hope that we have the opportunity to pay forward to others the unconditional love and grace that was poured into us by our loving Father and by our amazing friends and family, because we could not have gotten through this week without it.

We serve an awesome, living, breathing God who wants to live and breathe into our lives at our deepest time of need...and that is when the "new life" He promises really takes root!

Today is the first day of a new chapter in our lives...let the rejoicing begin!

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" Isaiah 43:18