Saturday, August 28, 2010

Wholehearted Trust

Some who read this may already know, but a week ago today, I found out that I was pregnant. It was a big surprise to us. Then, within 24 hours, I began to have complications. I went to the docs last Monday to do the usual tests and ultrasound. Though things still seem to be in tact, there has been some fear that things may not be progressing like they should from one of the tests they ran. Now we go back Tuesday to do more of the same to get a better idea about what is going on. It has been a roller coaster for me over the past 6 days. I've had every thought, fear, doubt, faith, hope, more fear, you name it going through my mind and heart all week. But as I have been praying and and have had many many others praying for us, the peace that surpasses all understanding has fallen on me the past 36 hours. It's been amazing. I feel good about the outcome and am just having to wait til Tuesday to find out what is going on for sure at this point.
All that to say, I want to share this prayer that the Lord gave me yesterday that I am praying daily, even sometimes multiple times daily, and I'd love to have others join me in prayer if you would like. I am standing on His promises and trusting Him in this, even though I may not feel it all the time.
So here it goes:

Dear Lord Jesus,

I am asking for your manifest power and love to be evident during this time. Thank you that you have set the path before me and that my eternal pleasures are in your right hand. Thank you that you go before and behind me as a shield of protection and as my Shepherd when I am lost and confused. Especially now. I proclaim right now that You are my rock that I can set my feet firmly on no matter what happens or how I feel. Thank you that this life inside of me is in Your arms no matter what.

Father God, I thank you that you love your children and that you love giving good gifts to your children. I will say with an honest heart that I want this baby to survive in my womb and that I want to meet this child face to face while we are still here on earth. But if it is your will to take this child into your arms in heaven, then I will choose to trust that your plan is better than mine, even if my heart breaks, even if I get angry, even if I feel despair, and even if I lose my grip on You or lose faith. Thank you that you never lose your grip on me and that you will ultimately use this experience to reveal yourself to Tim and I in a mighty way. We want your will and your plan over ours, even if we don’t feel it. That is the heart you gave us…to ultimately fulfill your plan and your will.

Lord, I need you now more than I can express and you know that. Help my eyes to be fixed on You and that any other things that want to get me distracted or discouraged, that you will put your hands square on my shoulders, look at my face and give me the strength, courage, and faith to walk forward and seek you no matter what happens. Bless this life in me, bless my friends who have been praying for me. And as a little extra prayer, if it’s your will, make my hormone levels skyrocket to where they should be to sustain this life. And give the doctors and nurses wisdom and a more compassionate and sensitive heart toward me to give me a peace that I am in the right hands with them.
I ask all these things in the name of Jesus,


Psalm 16:8

"I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."

Monday, August 9, 2010

The Divine Conspiracy

My husband and I are probably quite comical to God a lot of the time. Sometimes I wonder if our little life here just entertains Him. We are a piece of work sometimes and yet God knew exactly what He was doing when He put us together, even if sometimes I wonder what in the world He was thinking on those rougher days that couples go through. I am just going to list the differences in Tim and I individually and see if you can relate at all:

I am an extrovert to the inth degree.
He is an introvert to the inth degree.

In my perfect world, I would sit and have a two hour conversation with him every day.
He can go a few days without any communication and not skip a beat.

He is a physical touch guy.
I am not a touchy-feely person at all.

He loves words of affirmation.
I never have been good at giving them or receiving them.

I love quality time with him.
Must I remind you again, he is an introvert.

I love to do things outside the house and be adventurous on my free time.
In his free time, he just assumes read a good book for hours on end at home or sleep.

I am the people-pleaser.
He says what he says and well, to Tim, if it ruffles feathers, it's not his problem.

I am impatient about getting things done.
He's the procrastinator.

I want to be pursued and desired.
He many times just wants to be left alone (not meaning this negatively).

I am a woman.
He is a man.

And God knew all of these things when He put us together before we did...well, except that we knew the woman and man part. I had to clarify :). I heard recently from John and Staci Eldredge that marriage is a "divine conspiracy" designed my God to make us not only become more like Him but also to make us need Him more than we would ever otherwise. It's also defined as something that joins two broken people who love each other but also desperately need Him to keep them together and to create one-ness that can only come thru and remain in our Savior. Because if we do things our way, we are sure to keep ourselves in a pile of broken pieces.

Some days, I think I can't go another day with the differences we have individually. Some days, I feel lonely. And some days, he feels like I am too needy. Some days, I nag too much. And some days he probably wonders where the woman he first married went. But the fact is, we are both changing through our journey together and I've noticed that in some ways we are slowly taking on the others' traits sometimes... God is funny that way. Yet one thing we are both becoming more and more aware of is that because of our stark differences, our pursuit of Christ and His pursuit of us are the only thing that are going to keep us glued together.
I still question how to not depend on my husband for things only God can provide me with. I still struggle with waiting for God to bring revelation to both of us at the same time about certain circumstances. But one thing I don't think often enough about is that our relationship is for eternity, and that God is creating a love story between us within a larger Love Story. It may not always look like that romantic movie on the screen, but it is perfect in God's eyes because He sees the outcome. And for that I am truly thankful for the man that He has blessed me with to share that with here and for eternity.