Monday, December 21, 2009

Life Isn't Fair, But God Is Good

Ok, so I stole that title off a book I saw in a bookstore the other day. It caught my attention. I didnt' really even have to pick up the book to look at what else it wanted to say. It was enough to get my wheels turning about weather I can really say that and mean it. I think we all can say the "Life Isn't Fair" part and believe it, but how many times do we say the "God is good" part and actually believe it. It's become very cliche to say it. Though our actions will most often prove that we believe differently.
I've been dealing with some attitude problems when it comes to the whole fairness thing. Yet my head tells me all the time that God isn't trying to make life fair, just to offer grace...and unfortunately, we may never understand completely that til we are in heaven. But we are to receive it.
Like, why do I have to constantly pick up after 4 other people in my house only for them to turn around and mess it up again? But when the house isn't kept nicely, who gets the blame for not doing their job? At least I feel I get the blame. Ok, so that was me venting a little but it's just what goes through my daily...and I don't know a mom out there that doesn't think the same way often.
But truthfully, I have been really asking the Lord to take over my heart about this because that attitude makes me miserable, and I'm sure I make my family miserable too. I have still felt so incredibly sinful and ugly when it comes to the spirit that comes out of me in regards to this. Like today, I was having one of my episodes again, "How can they expect me to keep up with their mess all the time?". "There's one of me and 4 of them". "How do I do this and not go insane?" I went in my room and began to weep. I was so mad but more than that, was so mad at myself for still being so selfish and bitter still. "Really, God? Is this who I have be the rest of my life? Where is the Holy Spirit that is supposed to take over when I need it most?"
Then the Lord stopped me in my tracks. First He spoke to me about what I was basing my love for Him out of. We usually only like to spend time with God when we expect something from Him or want something from Him. Ouch! That is not love at all!! So when it comes down to it, how many can truly say that we love God for who He is? That we want to be with Him because of His character. Because we really just like Him and nothing more.
And sadly, the only way I was to relate to that was by thinking of some friends that I love being around because of who they are. And I really don't expect anything in return from them. I just love to be with them because they are a joy to be with. Yet God is so much more, at least that's what His Word says. He will always bring out the best in us. He will always be enjoyable. But more than that, He will always have the character that we long to have and be around.

I confess that I have fallen short of that not only toward God, but toward my family. I have fallen into this trap of only thinking of what's in it for me, and not loving them simply for who they are. Yes, they are gonna treat me unfairly, as is anyone we know, yet I have based my feelings toward them on that. It pains me to think that I have fallen that shallow toward the ones who are to be nearest and dearest to my heart.
I am not falling under condemnation here, just seeing a revelation of how caloused my heart has become. I also realize that it is only by His Holy Spirit that my heart can change. That I am but dust and He is the only one with any hope of me changing. Only through His love, can I love unconditionally again.
So even if life isn't fair, people aren't fair, or we don't think God is being fair, are we gonna believe He is still good...and that those around us are worth the love we are to give to them?

I feel like a hypcrite typing that last part. Because I know I still am processing it all and can't give the "good" answer. But I pray that the Lord will work out what He has stirred up in me. I know I can't do anything on my own, but there is hope, because He says, "All things are possible with God."

Sunday, December 13, 2009


Confidence....this is an area that I have struggled with my whole life. It is very easy for me to believe myself as one who can't possibly rise above a daunting situation, whether big or small, or be capable of believing that my opinions, decisions, or whatever are the right ones. I don't know where this all started in the 34 years I've walked this earth, but nonetheless, I easily fall into a trap of low self-worth and not feeling I amount to much when it comes to worth. The enemy knows that this is something he still can easily knock me on the floor about. I hate it but it's true. And I want to find the root of it but I can't.
Right now, I'm hurting. For some reason, I have fallen into a mentality that once again what I think or believe don't have much merit to those that mean the most to me. It's easy to speak these things to people I don't know or those out there that I know will encourage me in it, but to be vulnerable to those who's opinions mean a little too much to me, when you know there's a chance they might be in disagreement or be quick to crush your confidence, is sometimes too painful to brush off and still receive the grace that God gives.
There are scriptures after scriptures about only having confidence in Christ who dwells within us, but I can honestly say I haven't come to grips with how that plays out in my struggles. I need to know that what I have in my heart matters, that what is stirring up inside is worth hearing, or that decisions I make will be the right ones at some point. My decision-making skills lack because of all of this. I just need to know that there is still grace attached no matter what I think or do, right or wrong.
Jesus taught grace, plain and simple. And I have no doubt that he gives it to me every breath I take. I'm just still working through how to respond when grace isn't given by people here on earth. And am not sure at this point if I can handle the possibility of being given judgement throughout life in areas that I need grace the most.
I'm sure the enemy has a lot to do with where I'm at right now, but God wants to reveal something through it. I know it! I just don't have eyes to see it just yet.

Lord, open the eyes of my heart so I can see you.

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Wife's Role

I feel this is a good follow-up to my letter to my husband I posted last week. God just gave me a neat picture last night of what my role as his wife is supposed to look like and used something that I love to do the most, to show me clearly.
Over the past several years, I have been given the privelege of being part of our praise team at our church as a background vocal. Worship thru music is something that my heart beats to and it really is a passion of mine. And I love singing harmonies with our worship team the most. I have never felt very comfortable singing solos which also kind of falls in line with my point I'm about to make.
All that to say, last night as I was singing back-up for our band during the evening service, I felt the Lord speak to my heart thru it. He said to me "As a wife, this is really what your role is to your husband". To be specific, I am to be in harmony with my "lead man", my husband, but in a way of support, not a way being out in lead with him. We can hold hands together in our journey, but I am still to let him be the lead. The word says that we are to come up under them, to lift them up and support our husbands, so that they can fulfill their role as the leader of our families.

On the contrary, what does it look like when I am not in harmony with him? It's like "the fat lady singing" behind a lead singer, trying to be in charge where it has not been given, or sounding like a clanging symbol where it is not to be played. This, as we know will only throw off the band leader, and the same goes with our husbands. We play a important role to give our husband an environment where they can feel confident and able to lead out as God has called them. If we try to beat to our own drum, or be in charge where charge isn't given, it then throws him off, along with the rest of the "band" (or family).

We are simply to follow their lead and find a harmony that works with what they are doing, and that applies even if we don't always agree with what they are doing. And in both cases, thru music and thru our marriages, if we can find harmony, we are worshipping our Creator wholeheartedly as one and able to move forward together into His perfect plan.

In reality, I know like probably most women will say, I have fallen so short of this time and time again. This can easily make you feel like it's a standard you can't meet. But the truth is, it's a heart issue. What is your heart beating with today? Is it trying to beat to it's own drum or is it in line with the position God has put us in. This is not a way to make anyone out there feel inadequate or less than me or anyone else. It is just simply a picture of God's purpose in a marriage, something worth praying about and allowing the Lord to work out any "wrong notes" that we may be "singing" as we are living out our marriages.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A Letter to My Husband

To the love of my life,
I know I have not always been the affirmer that you need me to be or the support in ways I should be, but that doesn't mean there isn't a day that goes by that I don't love you more than the day before. I don't know why I can't show it the way I want. But God is working on me about that. But the truth is, my love for you has truly grown in leaps and bounds because of who you are and who you've become through your love for Christ. And I know God isn't finished with us yet in our life together as one flesh and followers of Him.
You have grown into the Godly husband that I began to pray for several years ago more than I could imagine. You have a passion for Christ in a way that I never dreamed possible. And because of that, my passion for Him has grown as well. I am the woman I am today because of your willingness to stick it out and stand by me no matter how difficult I am or what the sacrifice.
We may have our ups and downs, and we will always have hurdles and obstacles that want to get in the way of the growth that Christ is accomplishing in our marriage and relationship with Him but I think those things are exactly what are molding us into more of His likeness. I know I have failed you when it comes to the unconditional love that you've needed from me, but yet you still have loved me despite that, and have never given up. And for that, I am forever greatful. It truly humbles me. I know that the Lord has put us together to sharpen and strengthen each other. You were born to be my husband and my children's daddy. God knew what He was doing when He made you. And His plans yet revealed for you are huge! I know it!

I am thankful to have a husband who has sacrificed dreams and desires to work at a place of pure misery, so that I can be home with my children. I am thankful that you see something in me that most of the time I can't see myself. I am thankful that you always have words of wisdom and encouragement to give when I need it. You are an awesome daddy who's children cherish their every moment with you. Your love for us is evident in your words, your actions, and once again, your sacrifice that you give every day in a workplace that makes you miserable. Not every man is willing to succumb to that for his family. But you have been willing and I am so thankful. This is just the tip of the iceburg when it comes to the love I have for you. But I hope it will give you a little sunshine today to know that I have your back no matter what, and I hope and pray that God will continue to grow me into the wife that I should be for you.

And my prayer for you today is:
Lord, reveal your love for my husband today and every day in a way that he can grasp how intimately involved You are in his life. You love him so much and I pray that he sees You in every part of his life, even the miserable parts, like at work. We don't know what our future holds, but you do, and it is part of your perfect plan. Remind him that You have not left him nor forsaken him. For you are there with him. May you bring him favor and blessing even at work, give him a heart for the lost around him, give him a larger love for You and others that would ultimately bring his joy back into his heart. Show him his purpose there. And may this Christmas season be the best one yet for Tim and for our family. You are enough, Jesus! You are enough! Thank you for blessing my life with a man after your own heart. He is your son and your friend and he is my best friend. And I look forward to walking the rest of our journey along side each other and with You. I wouldn't have it any other way. In the powerful name of Jesus, Amen!