The past week has been an on and off week. There seems to be a little more of a battle going on within me than there has been in a month or so. Right now, there's a lot of just willing and choosing going on when my heart doesn't feel into keeping the fellowship with the Lord each day. I've found though that I shouldn't ignore my feelings though as they do help identify that there is something off and I need to go to the Father and ask Him to reveal that to me. He knows me more than I do in every moment I take a breath and there is nothing to hide or be afraid of...in fact, quite the contrary. I should find rest in Him alone when nothing else gives me rest. He is my Refuge, my Comfort. Even when my heart isn't where it should be, He is there waiting to welcome me back with open arms.
I came out of an incredible time of prayer and worship Monday night with my prayer "sisters" that felt like it should have kept me filled for days. Yet, the next day, there was a sudden emptiness that didn't make a lot of sense. How could I be so filled then so empty so fast. I really haven't figured out where the "filling" went. I could throw it out there as the enemy, the flesh, anything that is NOT God trying to hinder the flow of the Spirit in me. And there is Truth in that. I've felt a sense of apathy about some things that have come out of nowhere too. But at the crux of all of this, I've been hearing this voice in my mind and heart asking me over and over, "What is it you want today Bethany?" It's a still small voice that I know is from the Lord. Because it really gives me pause about what my prayers have been to Him. "Lord, I pray for a financial miracle". "Lord, keep my marriage moving in the right direction". "Lord, give me the right heart toward my children". And they are good things to ask if they are asked with the right motive, which begs the question, "If these things are not answered when and how I want them answered, would I be content with the unbroken fellowship that the Father desires more than anything with me." If these things weren't falling in line with my prayers, yet my relationsip with my Father was growing in leaps and bounds, would He be enough to sustain my heart even in disappointment?
Mainly, it's the finances right now that come to mind when that question enters my mind. Because I feel He is answering the other prayers in leaps and bounds. My parenting approach is changing, not without some slip-ups of course, but all in all my heart is changing toward my children just as I have asked. And it's great! My marriage is better than it's ever been. My husband and I are both growing in the same direction with the Lord and it's exciting. But if he decides to hold back on the financial blessings that we are asking for, but in that holding back, we in the end stay closer to the Father because of it, can we stay content with that? And truthfully, at this point, I probably am not discontent enough when I feel a distance from Him. I do feel lost and know I need to spend that time with him, but it usually takes a point of desperacy finally to make me run back into His arms.
Now on the other hand, at this point, if I were to have to choose between a huge bonus check in the bank or unbroken fellowship with my Father, my heart wants to choose the latter. And that is not said because it's a church answer. And I used to not be able to say that in all honesty. I truly am starting to believe that God is enough. Now He may test me with other things in my life besides money that will ultimately make me doubt, be afraid, get mad, and have some fits I'm sure of it because we still live in the flesh that likes to rear it's ugly head. But I love that I am at this place where I know deep down in my heart that the sweet love, peace, rest and joy that comes from living in His presence is something money or earthy goods will never bring. So I am changing my prayers to "My soul finds rest in you alone, God. For my salvation comes from you". "As the deer pants for streams of water, my soul pants for you God." Will I still ask for a financial miracle, sure, because that is a faith prayer knowing He can do it and I don't think He wants us to stop asking for miracles? But if it comes in the place of what God is accomplishing in our relationship with Him, than no thanks! He can hold off if that is what it takes.
This is that surrender and reckless abandon that God wants us to get to so that we can finally know through experience, growth, and wisdom that He is our true, deep desire. He has always been our desire. It's just that a large percentage of the population just doesn't realize that. They are filling it with everything else they can find. And if He so chooses to bless us with earthly goods, wonderful, but we are to understand that He will give and He will take away, only so we can find Him again...and have unbroken fellowship with the Father once and for all.