Wrestling

Yesterday was a rough day. I wrestled in my heart and with God for the thousandth time about some frustrations that like to creep up on the days when I have to sit down and look at finances.I dread those days. It's not as intense as it used to be but there is still some frustration there that I am working thru. More times than not, the projected budget doesn't always turn out like I'd like. Meaning, we are usually going to be under somewhere by the end of the month due to some financial set-backs we've been experiencing over the past few years. I am a left-brained person who likes things to match up and look how they are supposed to look. I don't do well with the unknowns and nor do I like open-ended situations that I can't fix. I like things to be tied up in a pretty bow and have a conclusion to come to so I can make daily decisions accordingly. So because of that, finances will steal my peace in a nano-second if I think about them too much because I don't remember the last time we've had that assurance that things are all gonna come together perfectly on paper and I'm sure I've said before on some past blog post, I like 'PERFECT' a little too much.

I've also had to face the fact over the past 24 hours that I am nothing short of a spoiled brat when it comes down to it. I'm like a 3 year old who is always discontent. And most Americans are spoiled brats in some way because of our high-society living for so long. If we don't have all the extras, we feel God is holding out on us or that we aren't doing enough to make our lives happy and fulfilled. And that we need more, more, more. And that is called "the love of money", my friends. And also "lack of faith" in who God says He is and what He is doing. And I've had to face the fact that my love for the things of this world is still way out of control and my faith in God is not where it should be. I mean, what is ALWAYS dictating my inner peace or lack of? It seems to come down to discontentment in finances all the time.

I also know in my head that if I take the world's perspective on things, it will always look as if we are not being provided for and I'll always feel as if God is not taking care of us. And a lot of times it's because I'm angry that I can't get all the "extras" that the world expects should be handed to them. I want to travel more to see new places, have nicer things like a new couch to replace our old smelly, kid-stained, dog-smelling one. Or I want new flooring to replace the now stained carpet that was actually brand new just 3 years ago. I want a nicer yard. Heck, I could hardly enjoy spending $10 yesterday buying a few new towels for my newly-painted bathroom and I was mad about it. Anyways, you get the point. There will always be something out there I want. Even if we were millionaires.

But the Bible says, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess. 5:16-18

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Heb. 13:5

I can read these words til I'm blue in the face! I can say I believe them but my actions are still not following what I want to believe. I am really wresting with this and really have had to face once again that I don't get it yet. My heart is not following what my head knows still. I still want what I want, and when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, I throw a fit when I can't have what I want.

Lord, I know in my head you are working this out with me, but I really want once and for all to experience, wholeheartedly the freedom from this trap of discontentment. My heart is not free of this yet. I want to have the freedom to love You wholeheartedly without having to strive to get there. I can't do this on my own. I am not pretending that I can be content on my own strength anymore. I am falling flat on my face every time I try. Take this heart of mine and make it beat for yours and yours alone. I can't do it as long as I let the world's ways get in my way. I am not my own or the world's. I am yours. Everything I have is not mine. It is yours. Oh to live this out wholeheartedly experience the freedom of it. You know my heart better than mine. So help me to give it over completely to you daily so I can see your providential hand like never before and be content no matter what.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen