I'm sure many can relate to this, but I tend to be the type who is really quick to want to escape from reality of my responsibilities. This is where addictions happen really. I know my husband and kids can attest, the computer is the number one thing I run to as a source of escape.
But I'm also the type who is very aware of the wrong choices I am making each moment I make them. So I'm not completely ignorant to what I'm doing. Actually, I am aware so much that I am really good at beating myself up about it, self-loathing in my own pit of my own yuck really well until I finally tell myself to buck up and get over it. But that isn't fixing the problem obviously. It's still just avoiding it only to see it happen over and over.
As I've been reading through a book called True-Faced, which is about taking off our masks that we think are covering our sin, and trusting God and others with who you REALLY are, I have been made aware, as recent as yesterday, that I really don't let God tend to me in my sin areas like I should, hence my escapist tendencies. That's a mask really. I know the sins are there, but if I can just escape from the things that bring it out, then I can pretend they aren't there and not have to feel bad about myself and maybe no one else will see it either. Because that's about as far as I've gotten when I face my sin areas, just feeling bad about it. So I escape into things that enjoy to make myself feel better. Ugh! This is the world's way of doing things. And we know where that gets you. Right into more sin and the hands of the enemy!
So today I finally got real with God on a whole new level. It didn't feel good but I had to do it. Granted He knew it already, but I had to get real with myself and confess it to Him so we could work on this TOGETHER once and for all. I finally faced something that hurt really bad to have to say but knew it had to be dealt with. And that is the fact that I don't really enjoy spending time with God. Oh I am quick to run to Him when I need Him, but just enjoying His presence at any given time? I'm still not there. Because if I was, my actions would show it. Really, He is usually never the first thing I run to. It's usually the computer, or getting out of the house to escape from the reality of my responsibilities, being with friends, eating out, or spending money I shouldn't...blah, blah, blah. God is usually my last resort....ouch! But there it is...out in the light. And guess what, I didn't get struck by lightening?
But I also had to confess that I don't enjoy spending time with my kids like I should. To many, that may seem proposterous to not want to be with them. Or maybe you can relate. But in reality, who can quickly bring out our sin nature more than our own kids? See, our kids mirror us when you think about it. So if we are sinning in some areas, they ultimately will follow. Truthfully, I never lost my temper until I had children. It completely threw me for a loop. I didn't know I was capable of such thing. And I never really dealt with it the right way by letting God take a hold of that part of me when I was aware. I just kept letting it happen hoping God would forgive me each time and ultimately and unkowingly was blaming my kids for my temper. Now THAT is proposterous. So now 11 years and 2 more children later, I'm good to make it through a day without lashing out at one of them for some rediculous reason.
And this is where I had to confess that for the same reason the "escapist" comes out, I have also put the "victim" mask on. The temper flies out when I feel wronged in some way. It happens in my marriage too. So that victim mentality is one more thing that ultimately keeps me from facing my own sin. It makes others look like the sinner, not me. I've been wearing that mask for way too long but this one I didn't even realize it was a mask. I just thought being hurt was being hurt and it was rightly there. But when you think about it, who really wants to walk around feeling hurt all the time? And on another level, does God want me to walk around like this?
So the good news is, WE are made in GOD'S image, so we can come boldly into God's arms, so He can lovingly care for our hearts the way they need to be cared for, and walk us through the sins that want to keep us in bondage. And if we say we can't go there yet, confess it, face it, and let God help you deal with the lack of trust you feel toward Him. God is just waiting for us to come to Him JUST AS WE ARE so He can reveal Himself to us and transform us into His likeness.
For me, I need to stop escaping from him, but to Him, start trusting Him with my own sin and stop playing the victim all the time and just face the fact that I am a broken, sinful person, who needs Him as much as anyone else in every moment of every day. I can say it all day, but will my actions reveal that I truly believe it? I hope one day they willl. He wants to help me face every part that is broken and work on it with me, not to overwhelm me and condemn me, but to heal and renew the real me and ultimately help me find freedom and joy in every part of my life.