A whole year and a half has gone by since I've put anything on here. To say that it's been a tough year and a half is an understatement. I don't even know where to begin, but as I type we'll see what my heart has me share.
Questions go through my mind often. See if you can relate to any of these.
God, are you allowing these things to happen to teach us something, is this all really set in play by your sovreign plan to go through these constant struggles and crossroads, or are these things in our lives that we are experiencing just all out of consequences of our own actions, and you are just sitting up there waiting for us to repent and return to You?
I have no idea the answer to this. And it's probably been the catalyst to my personal struggles. The big question for me is, How do I know that I am hearing from God at all regarding anything that I am experiencing in my day to day life?
Prayer is still a very regular occurance for me. I am trying to communicate with God constantly. I read His Word daily, and still struggle to understand some of it. But, most of all, I just want relationship with Him. But to get clear answers, to hear Him, or know He is responding to me, that is where my confidence wanes.
To change course a little, my marriage has been in a very rocky place for a little over a year or so, maybe longer, but my memory is starting to fail me a little. And through it, my fear of God holding out on me is constant. Tim is very introverted and can come across just "not caring". I take that to heart. I am an extrovert and find myself hanging on every response that I get from God or others once I have presented a thought or request. Therefore, there's a constant voice that says, "He doesn't care about you", if I get silence.
Communication is very strained with Tim and I these days. We have pockets of good unity, then back to residing in opposite areas of the home, hearts divided, just getting by, hoping when conflict arises, that we can maybe communicate about it without wanting to bite the other one's head off.
But you see, I am a loyal fighter, not with people, but for people. I hate conflict but when I want to fight for someone, watch out. So sometimes I want to just be an advocate for my husband without looking like I'm fighting with him. I get passionate about something I want to share or pull out of Him, and it comes across controlling. Maybe it is a little, but that is never my intention. Relationships are very vital for me, especially my marriage. And also, when I see someone in a hurting place, like my husband, I take on that hurt quite heavily too. It's the Senquin in me I guess. So when there is a problem, to me, either I completely avoid conflict, or I want to dive in head first to fix it, not gloss over it and hope it'll fix itself, or throw away the product altogether (or marriage in this context). And there is no other human in my life that I feel is worth fighting for than my husband nor is there anything I feel is worth fighting for (other than my relationship with God), than my marriage. For me to not care for him would deem me pretty much dead in my grave.
The problem also lies where I deal with a great deal of anxiety (which I have come to the conclusion is chemical and diet related, but still affects my spiriutal life greatly like it does my marriage, but this is a whole other topic). And it causes misconstrued messages to him that I am acting out of fear when I speak, when I take action to help him or our marriage. Well, there is some truth to that, but I also believe if we can use the darkness fear to motivate us to move further into healing, then so be it. But my proactive nature isn't always presented in the right way, or my heart for him isn't expressed clearly when I am acting out of fear, nor do I pick right timing to do so. Therefore it appears I am being controlling. But deep down, I just want unity, because I just simply care.
I have learned a lot though over the past 4 months about some deep rooted wounds that I had for years, that have affected the way I respond to certain situations. I have always had sort of a sense of feeling "overlooked", "under par", "not talented enough", "not smart enough", "unimportant". But you know what else I have learned? It's all true to a degree. And that's OK!! To the outside world, one or more of these things will get stamped on every individual that walks this earth. But that is by the world's view.
Because, deep down, the most important thing is that I put my faith in Truth of God's Word, and not the feelings this world brings. In Christ, all those things are wiped away. I have a HUGE heart that finds value in all of my relationships, even though I may not always be the most consistant or loyal friend. But I am learning to keep in check where my relationship with God stands, because I can easily put others first and find more value in what others say to me than what God has to say to me. And that's idolitry. And that problem there has hurt me more than helped. I just have to learn where and how to channel my heart, receive love, how to be vulnerable, but also keep boundaries. It's a tough ride. But as long as I can heed to God's voice, all these other things should be easy. Did I just say easy? Back to heeding to God's voice, if that's not easy, then this other stuff will be impossible. So I am back to the crossroad once again. Who's voice am I hearing? God's voice or the thing that really sweet friend said with all good intentions that may or may not be what God is saying to me. This is the constant crossroads I am in these days.
Am I getting too real here? Or is there someone out there that needed to know they are not alone in this discombobulated and complicated thing we call life.
Does it even have to be complicated? Jesus said it doesn't.
John 13:34 "Love one another as I have loved you."
"For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt. 6:32-34
"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."
Simple, profound, but yet so hard to live out...