I am feeling discouraged right now. I feel everything that I touch here at home just falls apart before me. I'm very ADD (literally)and it shows in every area of my life it seems. I'm unorganized, my kids are walking tornadoes, it makes me irritable and cranky, my mind is exhausted from it all, my flesh feels very strong all the time, and the things I want to do I don't, and the things I don't want to do, I do. I can't respond to conflict or affliction the way I'd like. I pray, pray, and pray more about the things that are heavy on me. I want to yield it all to the Lord but I still very much get in the way. I am very selfish with my time and am very weary at home and my husband and kids are suffering because of it. Yeah, I can choose to not be, but will that really be the answer? Really? Because I'm still ultimately selfish and weary.
There's desires I've had for a long time that are not being met still. I give them over, take them back, give them over, take them back. I don't want them anymore but something in me just can't let go no matter how hard I try. It's eating me up. I acknowledge that the enemy is coming at me, that I live in the flesh still and this is all pride talking...bleah, bleah, bleah. But where is the POWER that God promises? I want to carry that power with me and I just don't see it anymore!!
People talk to me all the time about the encouragement I give them, and I'm so glad to know that God is using me somewhere, but I still feel that when it comes to my home envirnment, I am falling oh so short! I don't want to hinder my children from growing in God's love because of my mistakes, or my flesh that wants to come out at any opportunity. I am always walking around with too much burden around here, and it's wearing me down minute by minute. I'm not experiencing the joy still that the Lord promises. I guess I've forgotten how to live that in this part of my life. It used to be there. Where did it go??? All I wanted to be was a wife and mommy when I was young. And God blessed me with an amazing husband and 3 beautiful girls. So what has happened?
I have friends who are hurting so bad right now through the worst circumstances anyone can ever go through. There's people I love dearly who are going through health issues that I can't fix nor make them fix. My children have a very large lack of respect for me right now and though they love on me and want me to love on them, they completely don't respect my authority or the boundaries we try to set before them. How long will I be beating my head against a wall in the areas that I want to experience victory in or where I want my kids to have victory? Will I have to always sit back and watch others want to experience victory where there isn't, even when I pray fervently for it?
That song "How long will you forget, Oh Lord", by Michael Card keeps coming in my head by the way.
So moving on, another thing is, Tim and I have felt convicted about wanting to love others as ourselves more, to go out to the world and be Jesus in skin to others, to shine Jesus light to those in the darkness, whether its family, friends, neighbors, or strangers. Well, the truth is, I am scared to death still about sharing Christ with the lost, with developing new relationships that I feel I don't have time for. I am overwhelmed already at the things set before me in my own home. Yes, once again, these are all things the enemy wants for me to continue to feel or believe so I won't be effective "out there". And yes, they are lies, but they are so real and feel so true in my life right now. The real Truth seems so hard to grasp. Like I hold it for a second, then it slips right through my fingers. Why is it so much easier to believe lies than Truth? Why?
Hope is still a word that I grapple with. The Word says hope never disappoints. Well, I wish I could believe that truthfully. Hope seems to always be paired with expectation to me, and I can't seem to separate the two. And if I am to put my hope in the Lord and nothing else, what does that mean? What am I hoping about Him? He has already accomplished everything, right?
Like I said, I'm being brutally honest about the things that go through my mind these days. These are the questions that pop up as I read Truth, or try to believe it. I'm tired of kidding myself and others about the things that still entrap me. And I'm tired of feeling entrapped by them. I've had glimpses and real experiences of freedoms in my life, but why don't they remain? I need to find where the Bible talks about that exactly. I'm sure it's there, but if anyone has some places to guide me, let me know. I need help there.
I just read the "faith" chapter in Hebrews, where it talks about all those who walked out on faith and were counted as righteousness because of it, but then at the end, it says they never actually saw the promises that God spoke to them or us about. What?? I know we are still living out some of the promises God has spoken of back then, but honestly, my reaction to that wasn't that great. I know we are a microwave society that wants instant results, so maybe that's just my impatience is coming out as unbelief. But that's just what stirs up. One more thing I grapple with!
For anyone reading this, please lift me up in prayer if you will. I need my brothers and sisters in Christ to rise up and battle with me. I don't want to give up, but part of me has nothing in me left. But maybe that's right where God want me right now. I don't know. Just please pray for me.
"You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry..." Psalm 10:17