Confidence....this is an area that I have struggled with my whole life. It is very easy for me to believe myself as one who can't possibly rise above a daunting situation, whether big or small, or be capable of believing that my opinions, decisions, or whatever are the right ones. I don't know where this all started in the 34 years I've walked this earth, but nonetheless, I easily fall into a trap of low self-worth and not feeling I amount to much when it comes to worth. The enemy knows that this is something he still can easily knock me on the floor about. I hate it but it's true. And I want to find the root of it but I can't.
Right now, I'm hurting. For some reason, I have fallen into a mentality that once again what I think or believe don't have much merit to those that mean the most to me. It's easy to speak these things to people I don't know or those out there that I know will encourage me in it, but to be vulnerable to those who's opinions mean a little too much to me, when you know there's a chance they might be in disagreement or be quick to crush your confidence, is sometimes too painful to brush off and still receive the grace that God gives.
There are scriptures after scriptures about only having confidence in Christ who dwells within us, but I can honestly say I haven't come to grips with how that plays out in my struggles. I need to know that what I have in my heart matters, that what is stirring up inside is worth hearing, or that decisions I make will be the right ones at some point. My decision-making skills lack because of all of this. I just need to know that there is still grace attached no matter what I think or do, right or wrong.
Jesus taught grace, plain and simple. And I have no doubt that he gives it to me every breath I take. I'm just still working through how to respond when grace isn't given by people here on earth. And am not sure at this point if I can handle the possibility of being given judgement throughout life in areas that I need grace the most.
I'm sure the enemy has a lot to do with where I'm at right now, but God wants to reveal something through it. I know it! I just don't have eyes to see it just yet.
Lord, open the eyes of my heart so I can see you.