Ok, so I stole that title off a book I saw in a bookstore the other day. It caught my attention. I didnt' really even have to pick up the book to look at what else it wanted to say. It was enough to get my wheels turning about weather I can really say that and mean it. I think we all can say the "Life Isn't Fair" part and believe it, but how many times do we say the "God is good" part and actually believe it. It's become very cliche to say it. Though our actions will most often prove that we believe differently.
I've been dealing with some attitude problems when it comes to the whole fairness thing. Yet my head tells me all the time that God isn't trying to make life fair, just to offer grace...and unfortunately, we may never understand completely that til we are in heaven. But we are to receive it.
Like, why do I have to constantly pick up after 4 other people in my house only for them to turn around and mess it up again? But when the house isn't kept nicely, who gets the blame for not doing their job? At least I feel I get the blame. Ok, so that was me venting a little but it's just what goes through my head...like daily...and I don't know a mom out there that doesn't think the same way often.
But truthfully, I have been really asking the Lord to take over my heart about this because that attitude makes me miserable, and I'm sure I make my family miserable too. I have still felt so incredibly sinful and ugly when it comes to the spirit that comes out of me in regards to this. Like today, I was having one of my episodes again, "How can they expect me to keep up with their mess all the time?". "There's one of me and 4 of them". "How do I do this and not go insane?" I went in my room and began to weep. I was so mad but more than that, was so mad at myself for still being so selfish and bitter still. "Really, God? Is this who I have be the rest of my life? Where is the Holy Spirit that is supposed to take over when I need it most?"
Then the Lord stopped me in my tracks. First He spoke to me about what I was basing my love for Him out of. We usually only like to spend time with God when we expect something from Him or want something from Him. Ouch! That is not love at all!! So when it comes down to it, how many can truly say that we love God for who He is? That we want to be with Him because of His character. Because we really just like Him and nothing more.
And sadly, the only way I was to relate to that was by thinking of some friends that I love being around because of who they are. And I really don't expect anything in return from them. I just love to be with them because they are a joy to be with. Yet God is so much more, at least that's what His Word says. He will always bring out the best in us. He will always be enjoyable. But more than that, He will always have the character that we long to have and be around.
I confess that I have fallen short of that not only toward God, but toward my family. I have fallen into this trap of only thinking of what's in it for me, and not loving them simply for who they are. Yes, they are gonna treat me unfairly, as is anyone we know, yet I have based my feelings toward them on that. It pains me to think that I have fallen that shallow toward the ones who are to be nearest and dearest to my heart.
I am not falling under condemnation here, just seeing a revelation of how caloused my heart has become. I also realize that it is only by His Holy Spirit that my heart can change. That I am but dust and He is the only one with any hope of me changing. Only through His love, can I love unconditionally again.
So even if life isn't fair, people aren't fair, or we don't think God is being fair, are we gonna believe He is still good...and that those around us are worth the love we are to give to them?
I feel like a hypcrite typing that last part. Because I know I still am processing it all and can't give the "good" answer. But I pray that the Lord will work out what He has stirred up in me. I know I can't do anything on my own, but there is hope, because He says, "All things are possible with God."