Thursday, February 18, 2010

Purging...and Filling

I've been trying to figure out where to begin with explaining where I am at this week emotionally and spiritually. Tim and I went to our second phase of Discovery last weekend, a.k.a. D2. This time it dealt with our present obstacles in life. Last month dealt with our past.
Let me just say that this was my major breakthrough weekend for me. MAJOR!! Last month was great, but I knew this past weekend would probably be even better for me as I really do struggle more with my present circumstances than I ever did my past ones. And I was right. There was some "heart surgery" that still needed to be done obviously and that is just what happened. And it really did bring some healing for me.

So I'm just gonna share the two hilighted experiences that were defining moments for me:

To start off, in one instance, we were asked to think of one relationship in our life that we needed the most healing in. I was torn between two different ones. I prayed for the Lord to tell me which one He wanted me to address. And before I knew it, I was speaking my heart out to my 5 year old daughter. I didn't see that comin' actually.
I knew I had been dealing with some frustration and disconnectedness toward her and had been defeating myself as a mother in general for a long time. She is such an amazing little girl. And she brings so much joy to my life. And yet I've been finding myself just being so distant from her emotionally...and also butting heads with her way too much lately. I know many parents deal with this. But I had beat my head against a wall too long and I had had enough. And I kept saying to myself, "she's not getting younger, she's only gonna get older and even more difficult to reach out to". Yikes! And I knew that this precous gift from God, as well as my other 2 precious gifts, deserves a whole mother, not a self-defeating, insecure, and frustrated one. And until I was able to speak from that dark place in my heart the way I needed to, there was no way I could have known what was down there. So out it came. And wow! Little did I know what was in there. I wept so hard. Tears were a-pourin' like a waterfall. But it felt so good to get it out. It was so healing. Like flushing out the toxins so things could flow freely again out of my heart. Then after I got it all out, the person I was speaking to just held me while I wept some more. That's where the filling came in. My heart felt whole...and I could see clearly again the love for my children that God meant it to be. And needless to say, I couldn't wait to get home after that point and just hold my girls. And that is just what I did. The second I walked in the door Sunday night, we sat on the couch and all cuddled for a very long time. It was a defining moment for us.

So backing up, the other highlighted moment that day, after all that weeping...ha...was when Tim and I had the opportunity to speak into each other's lives as well...straight out of our hearts. It was unexpected yet so timely. This is the short version as to not give too much away of the details in case someone reading this decides to ever go to Discovery, but really and truly, it was a beautiful moment in our marriage...and once again, we were ultimately weeping on each other like it was the last time we'd ever see each other. Really a defining moment for us that I will never forget. And I'd say that was the best Valentine's present a woman could ask for. Talk about filling up your heart!

Now back to reality here, we've already had our bumps this week. But will I choose to live with a free heart still or let the toxins back in that clogged it up before?

"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery". Galatians 5:1

"You show that you are a letter from Christ, a result of your ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts".
2 Cor. 3:3

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